Lesbian Bed Death

[cdrdash]

I find the lesbian community to be pretty sexual in the San Francisco bay area. Over the years I found a worry among my acquaintances in the lesbian community of "lesbian bed death." That's where lesbians in a relationship stop having sex. I remember thinking at the time that I wanted to get in a relationship that met this fate . I didn't have the same reaction of my friends that this was an awful fate and something of great concern to be fixed in the lesbian community. I especially couldn't get why it needed to be fixed if both parties were happy with not having sex. Is this something peculiar to the San Francisco bay area or is the "lesbian bed death" a worry in other lesbian communities around the world?

[yogachick]

It's a concern in this area of the country too. (althought not to me!) Like you, I believe if both partners are happy, what does it matter? It is no one elses's business what their sexual activity frequency is. I need physical contact of a non-sexual nature and would deeply miss cuddling, handholding, kissing, if it disappeared. For me, those things help connect me to my partner.

[Cerridwen]

We certainly know the phrase in the UK as well; I've heard it referred to more as a joke than something really to worry about, but my friends are probably older.

I think 1970s lesbian feminism placed a low-ish emphasis on sex as a reason to choose a woman partner. (I'm reminded of this by re-reading oldish feminist books - "Contemporary women can have no such innocence. But the sexual aspects of their lesbian-feminist relationships generally have less significance than the emotional sustenance and the freedom they have to define themselves." That's from the end of "Surpassing the Love of Men" Lillian Faderman, 1981, which happens to be handy, but there were lots of other examples.)

Then a slightly later generation of lesbians needed to reassert themselves against that fluffiness, and say, hang on a minute, no, it is about sex. And it's there that the anxiety comes up, maybe?

[Orianna]

Obviously as an asexual I don't think sex matters as long as you love someone, but I think with two people who identify as sexual and have an active sex life that just fizzles out, there probably is a reason for it, like stress or something needs spicing up or what-have-you.

[lux]

"Lesbian bed death",I've never listen it.What does it exactly mean?.

[cdrdash]

"Lesbian Bed Death" means that when a lesbian couple gets together they have less and less sex until it they totally stop having sex. I assume it is called "bed" death because generally you have sex in bed.

Cathy

[lux]

Ooohhh,I see...thank you,it is really curious.

[Rex]

I've heard of it...I think its a big thing in the lesbian community. My ex-wife even expressed that she hoped it didn't happen to us meanwhile, I was awaiting it with great excitement!

The situations I've heard it referred to in is if they married or moved in together. I think it might be just that, eventually sex is just unnecessary. There are other things going on and they just don't feel the need or don't have the time.

[cdrdash]

Welcome Rex.

So ... did you suffer lesbian bed death with your ex-wife or not?? Good to hear that someone else sort of hoped it would happen. Didn't happen with my ex. She wanted more and more not less and less sex.

Cathy

[Rex]

Thanks cdrdash ^^

We didn't get to the point where that happened - she always wanted it. And when it got to the point where I started confusing, that was around the time our relationship started failing. I guess the good thing to come out of it though was me not having to have sex anymore

[Sputnik]

Well, I think that for relationship be that successful it is needed to be harmonic almost in everything. Sex is the most important part. If there is no harmony in sex then there will not be healthy relationship.
So only if both are agree to have or to do not have sex then any "bed death" is no an issue.
On the other hand I do not have such experience to judge, if all lesbians come to the point of "Lesbian Bed Death". And there is no statistics I believe... So it's really questinable if that is some kind of a rule and fate for all lesbian couples or not.