Courage, And family/friends

I think this is more of a rant than a question, but kind of both. ...So a discussion!

Lately I've been thinking about the "courage" it takes to be yourself. Some people have it in abundance. Maybe after you've revealed something about yourself once you can do it a million times over. I had a bi acquaintance that, I swear it was the first time we really talked, she went: "I'm bi! Some people act awkward around me because of it, but I won't do anything [to you]." There was actually good reasoning on everyone else's part to act awkwardly, but I wasn't put off by her straight-forward bluntness and now kind of admire that ability to go up to anyone and just be yourself.

I find that, in some ways, I lack that "courage" to openly be myself. I'm still "in the closet" er... I guess. I've got one foot out the door! (Some people know, through funny circumstances) Part of my problem is that I'm not the sort that needs the world to know my sexuality. Whereas some people are comfortable and want everyone and their mom to know. So I don't think my lesbianism is worth bringing up on its own like it were discussing a new boyfriend amongst a ring of girl friends. "So I met this really hawt guy!" ... "So, I'm totally lesbian <.<; " Doesn't seem quite the same. But I don't want it to be... secretive or something I have to hide. I don't want to care what others think.

Two things. How did you find/are still finding the courage to be yourself? To be open about your lesbianism and/or asexuality? And, is it really important for family and friends to know? I battle with this, and sometimes have to remind myself just how important family and friends are. I have good family and some of the best friends in the world. I love them to death. I'm just kinda afraid of letting my (Christian) dad know who I am and don't think its all that important my friends know at all.

I don't have a problem being myself but I'm not going to bother people with the fact that I'm ace or lesbian unless it's relevant - if we're talking about sexuality. I have never been asked i.e. many people don't know. When they find out they ask "why didn't you tell me?" I just say "well, you never asked."

Family doesn't need to know if you don't want them to know but if they're the type who meddles in your life and keeps trying to find you partners, then it works to your advantage. The only person/people who have a right to know is a potential partner. Unless you can fake it for the rest of your life (and that's a LONG lie) and feel like you can't be yourself around them - I would say it's best to let them know.

But look at het. couples. They don't sit down at a table and say "I'm straight!" when they introduce themselves. Imagine a guy sitting at a table with a woman and saying "I'm Bob, I'm straight but don't worry, I won't do anything to you."

I don't know too many straight people who feel they have to walk around with 'straight' t-shirts (except in context...like at the Pride parade they had t-shirts with the rainbow flag that said "straight but not narrow".) It's entirely what you're comfortable with. You're going to meet opposition no matter what. I had a "Make Poverty History" t-shirt and a guy told me that it was stupid. The kids that were hungry were because the parents were stupid and had too many kids, if they stopped having kids it wouldn't be a problem. I never thought such a t-shirt would raise such controversy but I'm not going to stop supporting the cause.

On the reciprocate, I don't often see same-sex couples dry humping on subways and giving each other tongue every two seconds while I'm trying to eat at a restaurant or food court.

Show your Christian dad this: http://crt010304.wordpress.com/2010/06/28/...rinthians-78-9/

Only a few people know about my asexuality too, and as much as I want to be open about myself on the outside as I am on the inside, I just can't seem to be. I think I'm waiting for like, some kind of "right time" to come out about it all, you know?
But honestly, I'm still finding the courage to be open on the inside fully aswell. I've actually been around some not very nice people in my life for many years, and just moved out of home to get away from it not so long ago, but yeah, there were two people in my life that made me feel horrible about myself and that wasn't even connected to the fact that I like girls and don't want to have sex, so I'm still healing from that whole scenario.
I guess until I have the courage to be openly free about myself fully, this site is a good place to start. Kinda like baby steps I suppose.
Also there's the whole phobia of labels too. It seems strange to think that when I think of myself, "lesbian" and "asexual" doesn't come to mind. I'm just a girl like everyone who likes girls and doesn't want to have sex.
So I feel that when I come out, I will also be accepting these labels into my life, and nobody likes labels XD, so yeah.

Thank you for the article, Cijay. It was interesting but it's more the lesbian part than the asexual part my dad would have a hard time with. I'm pretty blunt about the fact I don't want to get married or have kids and that I'm not interested in sex. I just have a word for the not-having-sex part now. It's just... in the mind of many Christians homosexuals are sinners and thus, if they do not turn from that sin, they are doomed to Hell. Of course, I have no intentions of laying with another woman.

I think of those "labels" more as guides. Sometimes it is nice to fit into a label. Just don't feel constrained by it. "Asexual lesbian" is the quick-n-easy way to describe me, but in reality it could take a good power paragraph to actually explain my sexuality in depth. Or at least few bullet points. Don't let anyone bring you down. Easier said than done, I'm sure. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

I don't know what changed in the past couple days. Maybe musing over courage or the events leading up to creating this topic helped. Since then I've had two in depth conversations with my two really close friends and it just kind of happened naturally. It was really interesting talking about it with the friend that didn't know at all. She reacted in that same way. "Why didn't you tell me!?" and I responded in the same way, "You never asked!" But she thinks she might also be asexual, and I can totally see that.

What a jerk... In some cases that might be true. Not everyone that is poor and starving fits into that scenario, though! What about war vets? Layoffs?

I think of those "labels" more as guides. Sometimes it is nice to fit into a label. Just don't feel constrained by it. "Asexual lesbian" is the quick-n-easy way to describe me,

I agree. I don't think of calling myself blue eyed as a 'label' or Scottish as a 'label'. It's part of who I am.

Another late post from me here..... I've been troubled by labels, and dwelling on 'courage' a lot recently too. The instances for both seem to change a lot, with the situation and the people one is dealing with! I know I'm not all that I want to be, living back home, and it's frustrating. Sometimes it takes time to move those walls between people. Other times, radical change is good! Thanks cijay for your final post there, it's really helpful! Wish I'd thought that sooner... don't even need to label all parts (English, blue eyes, psychedel-acoustic guitar rebel, hahaa...), it's just who I am! :D

Hi aspire2be,

This is veeery late, but i've not been on here this year, so i'm catching up. I wanted to reply to your post because it really resonated with me.

I think we have to ask ourselves the question, "What is courage?" .... I don't think it needs to mean 'being open with everybody'. Because, as you and others have mentioned, telling people about our sexuality (or lack of it) isn't always relevant. I think courage is mainly about being true to yourself. Allowing yourself on that journey of self-discovery and accepting what you discover. What you discover doesn't need to be shared with the world, unless you feel that you want to or that the other person needs to know (such as a partner).

Like you, i've often admired people who can be so straight-up about their sexuality with whoever they meet - and, to some extent, I can be like that myself now. I'm comfortable telling people about being asexual/lesbian, but still feel a bit awkward using those words because I have such a rocky relationship with labels. I prefer to tell people about how I experience things, rather than saying, "I'm an asexual lesbian!" Partly because not many people would understand what that meant. I have to explain.

In reply to the question, 'Is it important for friends and family to know?' - Not necessarily, no. However, i'd say that 90% of mine know. It's taken many years, mind you, because I prefer for it to come up naturally rather than doing the whole, "I have something to tell you" thing. I did have to do that a few weeks ago when I came out to my parents, and that wasn't easy and took a hell of a lot of courage.

I wonder how you feel now, as it's been a year since you wrote this!