i wrote abt my self in short version saying hi to everyone in welcome section now im sharing my story with u as i hope u that u comment on it and guide me with
sharing your thoughts abt this..
its a little bit long but read it as story so it wont bore u but if u started to feel bored,just take time out then carry on reading^^
so ill begin from the very beginning for u to understand me and visualize with me
note: ill try not to write out of the topic as i can cuz sometimes i get excited :)
i was 9 years old when my feelings changed towards women,in fourth grade i felt there has been major change in me by the way i felt and saw things from my perspective,as u can prescribe it as "more mature and aware of my surroundings"
i had my first crush on my arabic teacher but i didn't stay long tell i had my first period by reaching 11,i was different from all kids in my age more isolated from others as i was growing up with no one can really understand or explain why i feel like this towards women???
from period of 9 tell 17 i was extremely confused abt my sexuality and sexual orientation,reading all frustrating homophobic none helpful subjects abt homosexuality it self and thinking abt it over and over made me question my faith(this is one topic)made me isolate my self from ppl(this is another topic)not to mention that i had faced illnesses that even made things worse for me..(again a third topic)
now im this lesbian-but-homophobe who hates to talk abt lesbians(refusing to consider myself as one of them) but not until i fell in the trap that changed all what i used to believe in.
by hitting age of 18 my destiny is to study in riyadh city leaving my family behind, wondering what ill be facing through my journey to the unknown,,,
reaching the apartment, after long trip i had to sleep cuddling my teddy bear closing my eyes but i couldn't really sleep i felt restless since it was my first time without actually being with my parents and siblings,as i was laying on my bed i felt someone is coming with heavy steps opening the door:it was a girl but i couldn't tell her face..
don't get up from your bed! she told me with smile on her face,i could tell she was smiling because of thin light coming out of the bathroom inside our room..
we exchanged welcoming & shaking kisses while i was still on my bed.
she asked me if she can turn on the lights and i approved..
now just now i can see her clearly with my own eyes!
i was stunned by her charming beauty and her honey colored eyes with her fair skin, i felt like im in front of mermaid not human at that time,i really couldn't forget those feeling..
i said to my self:why is this happening to me??am i..in love or somethin??
i didn't take long after i realized that i actually fell in love forgetting my homophobic ideas replacing them by new ones:marriage!
yes! i started to imagine her as my wife and mother of my kids who live in my large castle(now im a teenager! lol) that's what crossed my mind at that time..
but of course every story must have happy or sad ending and i was sure i ended it up with sad one(the detailed story will be told after at least having one comment at this topic)
after 2 years from getting over her entirely not to mention even forgetting her name i started to understand my self lot better than i used to before plus;i understood that i was going through changes of different kind but u could never understood them..
during that time i was angry, depressed and frustrated and still isolated with no reasons to mention(not that i knew abt)
1 year later;i noticed that i don't desire women any longer and my attraction started to lower gradually until i felt that i lost my feelings entirely but still didn't know there any name for it yet..
u might think yes because of depression but im like anyone who gets pleasant and unpleasant moments after all;i forgot that woman and i carried on living..
in fact;its abt religious reasons that had impact on the unexpected sudden changes on my desires ,,
by the age of 21 i now know who i was and what i am right now so i defined my self as: butch lesbian ( since im the tough type, preferring manly styles) lol
and by googling:ppl who don't want to have sex or don't enjoy sex now;now its much clearer to me i am asexual romantic butch lesbian and proud!
i tried to sign in multiple asexual dating sites but most of members there r inactive;posting one time profile and leave..
so i came up with this:what abt if i go to lesbian chat to find out???even tho i never been actually in chat room in my life before(too many warnings abt it when i was young)
but i took the step and went to lesbian chat room for the first time of my life
i was new so i was taught several stuff and i began to become and expert of whats coming and going,whos regular whos not etc..
for abt 4 months i was desperately looking for at least one who is in right state of mind to talk but i hadn't got any luck tell that day..
it was abt Nov 26-28 when i was bored, entered chat room then started talking to that nice girl who kept asking me why abt anythin lol
so she was direct in her request which really frighted me( many of them r male pretenders)
so she wanted to see my pic then i gave her mine with me wearing veil out of cautiousness and she sent me hers,when she saw mine her reaction was:you have beautiful eyes
i went happy to hear such a complement..
2 weeks later she started to reveal her feelings and be open abt them: i don't think u r asexual u just haven't met the right person she said and i replied:no i have my plan and ill stick to it:ill marry a man knowing my true identity that im asexual but i accept my fate..she replied:u lie to yourself and marry with man???
i said:yes at least im honest with my self
she said:but i don't wanna lose u
at that moment just that damned moment i was weak and i fell into that trap of innocence why? because i didn't want to lose her too planning to make her as my friend with little bit none sexual but emotional feeling for her i asked her and i wish i didn't: why? do u love me???
she said: i think yes i do..
why i said so?
1-she was so sincere telling me everything honestly abt herself(later i learned she is virgin)
2-she represent physical and personality qualities that i wanted
3-i believed her cuz i wasn't thin to begin with:so how can a beautiful,perfect girl like her would fall for and overweight girl like me??
this is so good to be true..
4-we both share same goals in our lives:we both wanna get married to women and have kids of our own,living abroad,have good jobs etc..
and now u might be wondering;how comes that u cancelled your plans so easily for someone u just met in 2 weeks??the answer is above:
there is always plan b for her kind of girls!
i swear to u if u met her u will always change your plans if u aren't careful enough..
our new life styles:
come after school,pray,eat something and go to bed then wake up and open cam to talk if we have nothing to talk abt she stares at me with eyes filled with desire then she ends up with getting h****y over me and i responded to her twice..if she doesn't;she wants me to wait for her tell she falls a sleep
(as what i see and know)she was unemployed until she got a job in feb 14th
during that time;she used to wake up,eat,help her mother out,having friends besides her,cant wait to see me and there she comes waiting for me anxious to see me again and we open cam etc..
after she got employed what changed is that she comes at 7 pm to msn waiting for me to come and so on..
but what changed only that she doesn't have time to help her mom so she gets tired and just talk to me also;she stopped asking me to watch her to fall sleep..
as for her weekend;she stayed at home 3 weeks in row the she finally got out
not until she tarted changing..
1-in abt march 15th she rarely sent me messages as she used to do then started sending me again( almost in row)at the beginning of june
2- when we open cam she barely look at me and keeps ignoring me until she closes cam
3-she doesn't talk abt anything any longer and she keeps only staring at me if she wants and then closes cam and go comfortably to bed
4-she stopped saying i love u, honey,sweetie etc.. when she faces me on cam ( only she wrote them in msgs
at almost the end of march i told her that i want to leave her for now because ill be busy studying for exams and ill talk to her once im free for a while
i send her messages from time to time but she doesn't reply at all until i request it,i started to notice that she rarely signs in anymore in msn(like she couldn't believe that im finally gone) and just when i told her im free now i want to see u AFTER ALL THAT TIME ALMOST 3 WEEKS ;she opens her cam and start to ignore me making me surprised,confused and shocked!!!!!!
note: i cant send msgs always cuz its too expensive and she understands that pretty well
as i thought she will embrace me with welcoming smile i see nothing but prejudice
after that she rarely sign in msn or send me msg and when she does here is what happened:
1-her dad shouted at her as usual so she kept running away form everyone including me and she doesn't want to talk abt it
2- i ask her anything she replies by i dunno,im tired, something changed in me,im not good(she means by that im not well),i fed up with everything..
3-she said she had low blood pressure and she had lost weight (she looked pale at that time)
4-her cousin was going through divorce so she had to help him so she got busy from me
5-new illness (worms in intestines )so she had to go to clean up sessions
6-another cousin of hers killed his 19 yo wife and she went sad abt it
7-after nearly 3 months while she kept acting like this;she comes to me to complain abt her dad again in fb chat!
then she goes on disappear again with no explanations! just msgs telling me that she loves me and wont forget me etc..(those were stopped at 1/7/2011)
up to the day when she coldly put smiley face(on thoughts box of msn) and i was surprised for the change?!
i asked her what is this?
and what did she say???
i found new bitch to play on(by the way she loves to scold bitches and poorly doesn't know shes acting like one of them now)..
(i try not to mind life she says when i asked her) like if she was strayed whore in some street with no where to go & no one to turn to and i was hurt and humiliated by that
she never apologized for her disappearance(real apology not a msg one) just carried on her life with no feel of shame and guilt of what so ever..
her attributes:good listener, unbelievably honest abt what she wants,generous,slightly good,caring for others..
her fatal flaws:cruel,cold,self-centered,shes always right(rarely apologizes for her mistakes),blind hearted and minded,mentally unstable,runs away if she does mistakes,high aspirations with no actual work,good actor and pretender,never honest abt your flaws,hyper sensitive,making others probs as if they were hers and hypersexual(possible discussion)
her responses when i tell her that im worried abt her r:
_u don't deserve that,u most not worry abt me i don't deserve it(and she was right abt that)lol
her responses when i ask her abt the disappearance:
_im in journey of discovering my self and if u see me hiding from everyone know that im in the journey(i asked how long will u take;replies:i dunno!!
_ i get summer mood swings??!!(once i told one of my pals abt this he said u made me laugh like i never laughed like this is in long time :D )
and im the fool one who believed her lies behind her phonie mask of innocence...
true i do mistakes but i end up apologizing for them..
the fake picture must be ripped:
1-she posts on new pictures of her in msn showing that shes happy and denies that with big fat lie in her mouth??????
2-she goes on fb everyday posting and talking to her friends?????
3-she told me that she goes with her friends after work then she returns home at 10??????(notice she was talking to me from abt 8:30 pm and when she said that it was abt 10!!!!!!)
4_she met algerian married woman and made friends with her considering she said( i hate to see ppl)
note: she liked this woman and interacted with her cuz she was having some troubles having children
what do i have to say????
that's what it was
she exposed herself to while she doesn't know,runs away by signing out of msn and leaving me tired and confused...
to me right now shes just a pathetic strayed animal that isn't able to survive by its own..now for the final thing abt her...WARNING SIGNS
early warning signs:
_she loved me less than a month????
_she used to look at me with eyes filled with lust not love& her hypersexuality????
_ unreasonably controlling my life like im her some sorta puppet?????
_ she started 2 jealousy fights and i had to apologized for her highness instead of her apologizing to me and not to mention that she was ready to forget me when i told her ill leave her
late warning signs:
_ignoring me with no particular reason/s
_stopped telling me that she loves me (only in her msgs & when i confront her i c no signs indicates that she does)
_she writes:i wanna die i cant take it anymore while forgetting im here for her
_answering me with cold responses
_stopped even looking at my face
(all of this happening without telling me why)
1-she never loved me she was just wanting someone to talk to and getting h****y over them that's all( which i highly believe)
2-she got bored of my me and my face and wants to try new things(considering the fact that shes fun loving saying she fed up of too much of me)
3-she has low faith and diseased mind and soul and has no sense of guilt or mercy( she lives in free world)so she could do whatever she wants
4- she had too many conflicts in her family,by finding me upon that time when she needed me,she found me a good listener & understanding but i couldn't clearly solve her problems, deciding that im no use( considering she still want to die)
5-she was so ill that she made her illness control her making her misjudge everything( but this isn't an excuse for her actions from my perspective)
now im done writing abt her wondering:
is it a women thing,once u go far they start cheating on u?or..
was she manipulating me all time long just for teasing fun?or..
did she expect something from me that i didn't know of??
if she appreciated me as she said:she wouldn't have done that to me..
and i swear to god if she told me to come everyday or send me daily msg, i would
do it with no hesitation ,but she has no rights to blame me for not expecting or
knowing what she wants because i tried & i was blocked..
as the proverb we have says:who doesn't want u don't want them
i know..i know she is so weak & fragile physically & emotionally,looking all pale& ill BUT she had to stop her vicious jokes at least for her sake, i might chose the wrong time, wrong way to break up yes,but this had to end..
im patient person but she left no patience in me..
im sure if she carried on with other girls,she true will hurt herself and hurt them and this mustn't continue this foolishness has to end!
so from now on i decided to stop fakers and pretenders while i can
once she wrote me msg that said:i am sorry hurting u :( i never want hurt u, believe me!!!!!!!
but she did and left me severely damaged & confused...
even after what she did to me i ask god to forgive her and help her to stop hurting herself and her mother cuz shes her only mothers daughter..
ill pray for her and wish her good luck in her life now she wants to head to turkey hopefully to receive her master degree
i uploaded some of her quiets, fb & cell phone contradictory msgs then her final attitude showing her latest (heart sign) in the little box of thoughts in msn( this is mainly left for diagnosing the problem by professionals)
im just asking u ppl to tell me what u think and feel free to ask me anything because im confused like u and even more..
that's all folks just tell me what u think by posting comments
thank u all for reading and im sorry to make it long
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Alleged_Love.txt (5.22 kb)