Is YOUR child a goth?, OMG

http://www.mk-magazine.com/news/archives/001567.php

Wow, they sure as hell did their research, eh?

...

My favorite:

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

"Uses internet excessivly and frequently makes time for the computer."

Oh no! We're goths!!!

But the weirdest ones...

"Expresses an interest in sex"
"Masrubates"

It seems that the church that came from is near Annapolis. Why is all this weirdness happening around me...

Wait...


-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible,
prayer, church or sports.
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Insists on spending time with friends
while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a
few examples of this.
-Eats excessively or too little
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (COUNT CHOCULA.... is yummy)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media
sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may
watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-violently shakes head to music.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately.


Am I a goth?

Okay, so they spent their research budget on designing the website or something?


Yeah, you can tell what organisation compiled that little list. I mean, most the stuff on that list would apply to another group of individuals. Some are goths, most are not. This group is known as teenagers.



Hold on a moment there....I didn't really read it properly the first time.

Now let me get this clear in my head. "Requests alone time and quietness(This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)"
....Wow. That right there redefines the meaning of the word bullcrap. I like a lot of alone/quiet time. You know why? It's not to talk to evil spirits, oh dear me no. It's because I want to think about things! I'm an overimaginative person that needs his quiet time so he can think about stuff.

Evil spirits....bah!

"Is homosexual and/or bisexual.": That's just plain wrong. Seriously.

"-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,
Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism."
Hold on now....philosophy is a dangerous cult religion? Yet once more this one article is determined to push the boundaries of bullcrap even further. I'm too pissed off to even rant specifically about how stupid this is.

And of course, if all else fails:
"-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases:
"I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth."

Okay, that's just too easy to make fun of...So let's:
"Dear, I'm worried about our son...I think he might be a goth!"
"Well, does he claim to be a goth?"
"Yes. Yes he said he was yesterday."
"Well, we'd best check this article to be on the safe side...."


Idiots.



This post has been edited by Drekal on Apr 20 2005, 02:48 PM

My favorite would have to be;

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases:
"I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

So...when's the last time you guys seen a goth kid with advertising?

Uh....Yeah, I made a big edit after reading through that again.

I see that all the time.... thats probly one of the only REAL goth warning signs on there. Actually Goths seem to be more religous than most churchgoers from what i've seen. They just have a weird way of showing it.

Lets see...

-Frequently wears black clothing.
I'm onto those evil corporate businessfokuls! Evidence of wrongdoing at last!
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
And I'm nailed. If bagpipes aren't anti-social, I don't know what is...
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
OH NOES something not boring!
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
I'm amused that sports are on here and learning or reading isn't...
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
Cause y'know, nobody's interested in religious or mythological history...
-Complains of boredom.
OH NOES^2! AN ANSWER ABOVE CONFIRMS IT!
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
OH NOES^3! I am are a college student!
-Is excessively awake during the night.
ARGH I MUST BE GOTH!
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
But I LIKE me more than everyone else...
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
It's because other people smell bad...
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
Evil is the only one who understands me...
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
God forbid! They want privacy!
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
But authority figures are usually idiots...
-Eats excessively or too little
Yes and yes.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
But Frankenberry is sooooo gooooood....
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
I had no idea Nickolodeon was so dangerous!
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
I'm about ready to stick this guy to a wall with my Ogre-Slaying Knife...It's got +9 against ogres!
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
I'm boned....
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
OMG head-banging!
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
So much for teenagers...

OMG NOES GUYZ EVERYonE EYE KNOWES IS A GOTHH!

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. (Looks at Dropkick Murphys teeshirt.)

-Associates with other people that
dress, act or speak eccentrically. (Hell yeah, those guys are hilarious.)

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. (Shit, I'm trying to write fantasy. That stuff is my bread and butter. Also, Harry Potter is wonderful.)

-Drinks alcohol. (I'm sorry Mom, I can't hear this one over the sound of you drinking your screwdriver.)

-Complains of boredom. (I lead a boring life, so sue me.)

-Sleeps too excessively or too little. (It's called college.)

-Is excessively awake during the night. (See above.)

-Spends large amounts of time alone. (Some of us don't like listening to morons 24/7.)

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to
evil sprits through meditation.) (It has absolutely nothing to do with just wanting some PEACE AND QUIET!)

-Insists on spending time with friends
while unaccompanied by an adult. (BWAhaha!... oh, man... seriously, what's the problem with that?)

-Eats excessively or too little (How much am I supposed to eat, praytell?)

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (First of all, it's Count Chocula, you dumb fuck. Secondly, Marshmellowy Goodness ™ is not particularly angsty.

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe
this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be
stopped immediately.) (Hm. I think I'll have the Blood of Christ this week at Mass. I've been meaning to try it.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media
sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may
watch.) (I... I can't even mock this. It mocks itself.)

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature. (Right. Hear that, kiddos? Final Fantasy is the gateway to SATAN! Satan, I tell you! I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. My sanity meter in Eternal Darkness is low, and a floating head is reciting Hamlet's famous soliloquy.)

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. (Actually, that's more of a geek thing than a goth thing...)

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. (Um... whoo? Headbanging is Satanic?)

-Expresses an interest in sex. (It's called BEING A TEENAGER.)

-Masturbates. (Um... see above?)

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,
Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. (... Now, I can understand why Scientology is a dangerous religion... but Hinduism and Buddhism are perfectly mainstream peace-loving religions. Philosophy, on the otherhand, is assuredly Satan's handiwork. STOP THINKING FOR YOURSELVES, DAMMIT!)

20. WOW. And after five, it's time to seek help for your kid? So, I'm what? A Goth x 4?

People SUCK.

nataS liah.

Why, oh, why couldn't they have picked a more mainstream religion, like Oprah-ism or voodoo?

Philosophy. PHILOSOPHY. I don't think you folks are seeing that part.

If you have five of these, you may be a Goth?

Hell, this list is so huge and full of so much crap, I think it actually considers my whole family Goth...

Mine too, and my dad leads a freaking church choir...

*looks at the list*

CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL...

Well that just means he's a closet satanist Big. It's a wonder you weren't sacrificed at birth...

You know, people make a big deal about that being THE quintissential goth song, and I don't think I've ever actually heard it sung...

Is it a goth song? I've never heard that.

I think I have. Once.