Poetry

[IceFarie]

We had Poetry on the other forum so I thought we should have one here too! Just post poems like last time!
~~~~~~
Breath

Breath in

Have you ever stoppe breathing
then realize you have forgotten how?
do you realize that the Sun keeps rising
The moon keeps setting
The Earth keeps turning
regardless that they have left

Breath in
Breath out
Breath in

You want to follow don't you?
I know that you do
You know that I won't stop you
but you won't so you don't
You stay here with me
And you keep their memory alive

Breath in
Breath out
Breath in

Please look towards the sky
For a new dawn approaches
And I want you to be here with me
Please take a deep breath
a very deep breath
and be thankful you remeber how

Breath out

~~~~~~

So? what o you think?

[AndSoSheWrites]

It's pretty good. Need some work, but I like it.

And it's kind of confusing, I need to read it again

[Kitten]

This poem gave me the impression that someone had died, with the repetition of "breathe". "Breathe in, Breathe out" made it seem like it was being thrust upon another person, but that it was being shared between two people, one who wants something so much more out of life, and then there's the other who just wants the beforementioned to stay and keep things the same. "Keeping their memory alive' can be interpreted in many different ways, but it really ties in with the ending of knowing how to breathe.

It's a little confusing, though; it still needs some work, but I think it's a great start. It has potential to become something beautiful, but your lack of imagery, diction, correct spelling (you might want to consider changing "breath" to "breathe"), and clarity make it not as good as it could be.

I would consider revising the stanza with the symbolism of time (sun, moon, earth, etc) and clearing up the stanza about following and deciding not to. What is the point of it? Who are they following and why have they decided not to?

Just some things I think should be cleared up a little. Change the things mentioned before, and I'm sure you'll have a masterpiece on your hands. :)

[FishStick85]

It was confusing... but the concept is good. I had the same thoughts as Kitten on what the poem came across as- someone had died or someone was thankful for not being dead, not forgetting how to breathe. You have good ideas, Ice, you just need to work on expressing them in words. (I'm the complete opposite, which is in some cases worse. XD)

[IceFarie]

your words are too big -.-; they confuse me greatly but basically my spelling needs work and some of the stanas need changing right? (this poem was basically something I did for school so it's not that good I know)

thanx for your opion though

[Kitten]

What vocabulary confuses you? Maybe Fish can add it to her "Word of the Week" thread. :D

It's interesting that you wrote it for school. I wrote a poem for a class once. I tried to read it outloud, but I ended up crying. xD

And.. You don't have to change it, it's all up to you. But I think it could become something really great and motivational. *trying to be inspirational* :P

[AndSoSheWrites]

It's always good to have a large vocabulary and spell right when writing. It makes you sound more mature. w00t.

[IceFarie]

thanx

[FishStick85]

Don't get me wrong, Ice; it's a great poem, and you don't have to change it if you don't want to. I'm just giving a suggestion when I say some of the stanzas need work. =)

[IceFarie]

mah it's okay I know it sucks

n-e-way what about you guys? I want to read ytour poetry too!

[AndSoSheWrites]

I can't remember the whole thing....ugh...

The marks on her wrists gets everyone talking
And she stops walking
But no one can thing that a person so kind
Would actually have a problem on her mind

But over there no one is surprised
That Bitch is sitting, crying out her eyes
[two lines about her getting what she deserved]

Did you ever wonder
Why there's stars and thunder?
Something about one is kind one is mean....living the same life....blah blah

yeah....*runs away*

[KillerCircus]

I like the first 4 lines a lot. Not so sure about the rest.

Isn't it supposed to be 'think' not 'thing' in the 3rd line? :)

[FishStick85]

The first time I read it, my mind skipped over it, but Sno is right.

I like it so far. When you find the rest of it, can you post it? Please? =3

[IceFarie]

yes please do

[Alky]

*Giggles* I have a poem called "Breathe" too. ^.^ Only mine goes like this:

~Breathe~

The sky had been unbelievably blue,
I still remember...
When you whispered to my ear,
I forgot to breathe...

Eyes went wide in pure amazement
As you came so near...
My heart skipped a beat,
As you breathed...

When suddenly it was all over,
I felt a rush of blood...
Colors danced before my eyes,
And you smiled...
*whisper* Breathe...


I know it's pretty short, but hey I like it. Tell me what you think!