Rocelyn's Diary

[Nautilus]

Dear Diary,

After spending a few days in the infirmary, my mind grew numb with boredom. Now only three days after leaving for the first time, I find myself back here, more painfully boring days of staring at the ceiling to come. So now, to pass the days I have decided to start another diary in these loosly bound pages. I was never good at keeping a diary though. The last time I had one, it had but a few entries until I threw it in the sea after my husband died.

I'll write more about my situation tomorrow, since Rosaline, the nurse is strongly suggesting I rest now... I get the feeling she is rather irriated with my presence. Though I don't blame her, I did stun the doctor on my way out... to get myself hurt... and end up back here. Well anyway, I'll put these pages down for now before she takes away the only thing I'll have to occupy my time here.

~Rocelyn~

Dear Diary,

A few nights ago there was a ballista tournament in Ru'Lude Gardens. I went in thinking to test myself, and also to watch the participants I knew. In the first round, I fought Vividikus and won. Then Brucey, then in the final round, Matra. Matra wanted to forfeit the match, but I told him not too. And near the end of the match, my damaged knee buckled under the pressure of his Tachi: Yukikaze. Matra won the tournament, and I was happy with that. I proved to myself that I was capable of fighting alone.

However, when we were leaving, I was headed back to the infirmary to rest my knee a little longer. Vividikus was sitting on a wall, with the crystal he stole from me... again. He freed the aura so he would become stronger. I don't remember what happened at that point since I was knocked unconcious... but I hazily remember Shiyami standing up to him, then I fainted again.

Later that night I woke up in the Infirmary. Matra and Vyren were there too. Vividikus' attack hurt them too. That, and the fact that Vividikus completely disregarded the fact that his father gave his life to make sure Vividikus could live, angered me. He goaded me into further anger then told me that he was in Batallia, still close by.

I ran out of there as fast as my knee would allow me, stunning doctor Monberaux when he tried to stop me. I went out into the Downs, I could hear Shiyami yelling at me to stop. And two strange voices I hadn't heard before were commenting the incident. The one called Angel, begged for bloodshed, and the other... I can't remember her name... I wonder if she even spoke it. She kept taking delight in the idea of someone's pain if I were to fall. I choose to ignore that comment for now. There is too much on my mind to think of those things.

I met Vividikus on his chosen battlefield... his cruelly chosen battlefield. The hill upon which he faught Raziell twice, the second time, my husband never left that hill. I tried to convince him to relinquish the crystal. But he was convinced that it was needed of him. It was in those few moments that I realized that Vividikus was still himself, he had not lost his mind to the aura. He was fully capable of his own thoughts, which made the whole situation worse. Vividikus is doing these things by his own choice. I realized there was nothing for me to save him from... except for himself. I tried to fight him, not aggressivly, I still wanted to give him the chance to stop it all. He would not. Eventually there came an audience. Alshiana, Shiyami, and the one I assume to be Angel were there watching.

I was doing alright, but when he readied his Tachi: Gekko, I prepared to brace myself for the hit. But as his attack came down, I stepped back and the decline of the hill caught me and I fell. My defense broke and his attack ripped through my cloak and grazed my chest. But the true pain was when I had fallen. My chest burned and I couldn't seem to breathe in any air, and for a time my entire body felt that it was completely void of it. I tried to right myself and get up, but Vividikus came up behind me and slowly cut down my back. At first I tried to hold in a cry of pain, but then as I tried to scream, nothing would come out. It took everything I had within me not to faint. Alshiana and Shiyami got involved at that point. And then so did Angel. She shot at Alshiana for interrupting the fight.

At that point everything turned to chaos and I can't clearly remember all that happened. I remember everyone leaving me there in the Downs, and as I lay there alone, by myself, I felt completely and utterly alone and betrayed. I wondered if that was how Raziell and my mother felt before they died; the helplessness and pain... I shut my eyes against the tears and let my conciousness drift, truely believing that I was going to die out there. *tear drops blurr the last paragraph*

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

It's been a couple days since my last entry... and a lot has happened. For a while I was certain that I was going to do this alone. I feel responsible for Vividikus and his actions, and I still feel that it is my duty to stop him. And after I woke up I found out that Shiyami and Elyn got hurt really badly confronting him... they were both hurt worse than me, and Elyn has gone missing.

I still think I should do this alone. I'm going after Vividikus, and I'm going to stop him. But when I voiced this, Matra protested vehemently. He said everyone needs help at some point in their lives. I told him that I didn't want anyone to get hurt... but that was only half true... How am I supposed to trust anyone anymore? Raziell, my own husband went mad and tried to take my life. Then, I stupidly fell for Vividikus when he protected me. Even after he killed my husband, I forgave him because he said he only did it for me. And he too, betrayed me. However, I know Vividikus refuses to kill me, not while that old part of him still lingers. So I'll use that to my advantage and keep fighting him. He can defeat me all he wants, but as long as I still live, I'll keep coming after him. That is another reason I must go alone. I know he wont kill me, but I'm not certain of the others. And Elyn is missing now.

Why did Elyn confront him? I don't get it. She hates him, yes, I know. But she has never been forward or active on that hate since the incident in Rabao. I have to go find her... I need to make sure she is alright... I need to tell her that I do listen to her, and I do appreciate her. She's been the only one who stuck beside me through everything. Even when I betrayed her in order to save my... Elyn has always been there for me. I can't let her down because of my stupid decisions...

I sometimes wonder if all this is my fault. If I had not faught Vividikus in the tournament and beaten him, would he have not tried to seek more power? Would Shiyami, Matra, Vyren, and Elyn be safe? If I had not gone out to meet him at the hill, could I have at least tried to stop Elyn and Shiyami from getting hurt? I feel like it's all my fault. I know I promised to not go alone... but I just can't trust anyone anymore, mostly myself. I always get other people hurt. And... I don't want to get hurt anymore... If I'm alone no one can hurt me... right?

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

Why am I so weak willed? I try to appear strong in front of the others, but I'm sure they can see me break. Matra refuses to let me go alone. But I did promise him that I would help him with his problem before I left on my quest for revenge. So I understand why he wants to help me now. But he's done enough. He's already saved my life. And now even more, I don't want him involved for... many reasons.

Elyn is dead... the wounds Vividikus inflicted on her were too much and she passed away a few days after she was found. I feel like Matra is the only friend I have left. I don't want to lose any more. I don't know what I'd do. I don't want to lose myself again, and go away, leaving on another self-destructive path like last time... but if I have nothing left, then what else is there for me to do. I can't let Vividikus hurt anyone else. I'm going to stop him.

Furthermore on the topic of Matra. He is confusing me greatly. But then again, I've probably just been confusing myself this whole time. I know he cares about me, thats evident. But he's my friend, and a dear friend. But it's made Miss Vyren incredibly jealous. I suppose that is because they are together. Though when I asked him about it he seemed upset by my question. I'll not lie, I do are about him, but I'm not going to be selfish, not after all he's done for me. If he cares for Vyren and he wants to be with her, then I'm happy for him.

... Thats a lie. I still am happy for him in whatever he chooses to do, and I don't want to be selfish, but it makes me sad at the same time. And I don't know why and it's frustrating me.

Right now I'm with my mother in the Northlands. Matra came with me. I left and went to retire, so I could think. But I heard them talking about me... just now. He believes I don't trust him... I do. I'm starting to be able to trust again... and its only with him. Its just... I'm too confused about him right now to show it. If I show him I trust him, I'm afraid I'll show him that I'm sad. And I don't want to do that to him, its unfair. And right now I don't even know where I stand with my feelings. I keep telling myself to stay away, I need to stay away. That way people can't hurt me anymore. But again... I'm afraid that I'm starting to care too much for the hero who's always there. But that scares me... Raziell and Vividikus were once those heroes who tried to protect me and now look.

And again, I continue to confuse myself more... this is going no where, so I'll stop for the night.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

I was wrong about Vividikus. He has completely lost every ounce of who he was. He does want me dead, but his excuse is that it is only because I am adamant on stopping him... Well thats stupid to think I wouldn't. He's already killed Elyn and an innocent adventurer, I won't let him harm anyone else. But what makes me truely angry is that he sent some pawn to kill me...

The audacity and nerve he has... I took much of it out on that troublesome Nautilus. But I refused to kill him. I gave him multiple chances to walk away, and even after my Spiral Hell technique hit him, he persisted. I had to paralyze him with my Shiva's Claws in order to get him to leave me be. I'm now spending the night in the infirmary again, and I sent Rosaline out to fetch him. Nautilus may have tried to kill me on Vividikus' behalf, but he's still just a pawn in his game. My goal in all this isn't to take any life... but I will take one if I have to, and thats Vividikus', and I will show no hesitation when the time comes.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

I am now taking care of my mother after our people revolted against her. They chose to follow Vividikus. She tried to get them to think otherwise, but they refused and drove her out. I am in hiding with her now in Ranguemont Pass.

She refuses to let me leave. Even at the expense of others. Others like Arkane. She went to face Vividikus in Kazham. Something was wrong with her. She wouldn't listen to reason, she wouldn't stop. But she seemed so strong. I don't understand it. When the battle was over she was gone. Vividikus said that she was dead. And that twisted hume, Angel pointed the blame at me, that I couldn't control my friends, and just like Elyn she too was dead.

I have no control over my own life. How could I possibly have stopped them? Should I have control over them? What right is it of mine? No, I can't control them. It isn't my right... But I do have control over the events that have happened. I have been well enough to face Vividikus for some time now. I should have gone all those times before when I had the chance. Maybe I could have spared Arkane from her trouble and pain.

It is my fault... all of it... It's because I'm weak of will, that they're dead. I should have showed no compassion up on that hill. I should have killed him right then and there. I knew he was making the decision to act that way of his own volition... I should have seen the signs. I shouldn't have given him the chance to continue. I can't believe I could convince him to stop. All I did was give him time to grow worse. It's all my fault... I could have stopped this sooner... I should have.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

Why is it that everyone I love abandons me? My own mother.... Epillieve, Vividikus' little sister, and my friend, has been trying to protect him, even in his wrongs. I never raised a hand against her, never uttered an ill word towards her... I tried to walk away. We couldn't see eye to eye about Vividikus. So I walked away. I didn't ask for her to grab me by the arm and slap me across the face. Whats worse, after I left my mother stayed behind. She stayed with the sister of our enemy to consol her pain... her pain! She's the one choosing the let Vividikus control her life, not me! I loved him. He turned on me. I wonder if he even waited a whole day before he took to that Hume. With Raziell, he was obsessed over his dead lover, Enore. With Vividikus... I don't think he ever put anything above proving himself better than his father. .... My own mother didn't come to see if I was alright as I stumbled through the snow and tunnels... Forget all of this, I'm leaving. She can figure out everything on her own. She was given leadership of the clan, she can deal with Vividikus. I'm just going to walk away. Leave it all behind... and... everyone with it. I don't care anymore. They can continue to fight against him and get hurt. I don't care! I'm going to leave the passes and head for San d'Oria. From there, my path is my own, and I will keep it to myself. I'll never let anyone in again. I'm tired of loving those who will hurt me, and falling in love with those who's heart I don't deserve.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

Everytime I pull away, drawing into myself, he's there. Always there. Its as if he just knows when my heart is pulling away. I couldn't make it out of the Pass. I stumbled and fell into one of the shallow pools. It was there that I let everything out. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. The anger boiled inside of me and just burst out all at once. If I had just gotten to my feet and kept running... I would have been free. Free from betrayal, free from my past, from Vividikus, free from love.

Yes, its true. I wasn't confused. I just wouldn't allow myself to believe it. I've fallen in love with him, my shining hero who always comes at just the right time, Matra. I was so angry with myself. I thought that he loved Vyren, she certainly cared a great deal for him. I saw her kiss him, I saw her wake one morning in the Infirmary wearing his Gi. And when I tried to talk about it with him, he danced around the subject. Believing this, I thought it would be easier for me to run, and leave everyone behind. I felt as though Matra would be the only one who cared if I left, but what would it matter, if Vyren would be there to make him forget? If I had just gotten up and kept running... things would have been so different.

He found me, huddled against the wall, cradling my cheek in my hand. He knelt beside me, and even though in my heart I wanted him to reach out and touch me, I pulled away. I wanted him to leave, I wanted him to forget. Because I loved him, I was afraid. I loved him, and even if I left I would still, but at least then, I thought, that love wouldn't be ruined with the pain it would eventually bring, just like the others. I was conflicted between desires. I wanted him to love me, but I believed he loved Vyren. But at the same time, I didn't want to hurt anymore. My mouth kept moving, and I kept speaking of being alone, but my heart yearned to be loved, to be cared about, even if it was only as a dear friend. He kept telling me he wouldn't abandon me. And as he kept talking I knew my arguement became more and more pitiful.

He's been there, all this time. Ever since I left to see my mother in the Northlands a few days after I got out of the Infirmary, he's been there with me. All that time... Even when I was cooped up, hiding in that cave, he stayed. I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so terrible. I apologized to him, trying to get him to stop telling me how he wouldn't leave. I apologized and said I knew he'd rather be with Vyren, then stuck here. He looked at me, confused and, for a moment a look I thought was hurt, he lowered his pearl and spoke to me in a hushed voice.

He said he cared about Vyren, but he cared about me too, he cared dearly for me. He said he was confused since he'd never had any experience in such feelings. At that moment, he seemed to transform. His eyes, his face, to me he looked young and innocent. If not for the fear inside me, I would have wrapped him in my arms, as you would a love of younger years, but instead I looked down at the stones at my feet and battled myself over telling him the truth.

Eventually my heart won over, and I told him the truth. The truth about my fears of being betrayed, especially betrayed by those I care deeply for. He promised me he wouldn't be like Raziell and Vividikus. And for the first time, I really, truly trusted him. I looked at him, and all at the same time he seemed young and old, innocent and wise, humble and strong. In my heart, I knew at that moment, my confusion was a lie I fed myself so I didn't have to face the fact that I had fallen in love with him. I wanted so much to tell him this, to tell him I loved him and not just cared deeply for him. I wanted to make it clear, and not dance around the word for the fear of being hurt. I wanted him to reach out and hold me, I wanted him to kiss me. I desperatly needed to touch him, hold him, so I reached out and hugged him. I wish I could have stayed there that way.

As I was falling asleep, with him sitting against the wall next to me, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I really do love him. I just wish he could get beyond his confusion and find somewhere in his heart to love me too.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

I can't believe it... He's alive. After all this time of thinking... believing he was dead. Raziell's alive. My husband is still alive. I don't understand it. Vividikus said he had killed him. I'm such a fool for letting myself believe him. And here I am, with another man, falling in love with him, not even sure he loves me back. Now that Raziell is back... is he going to try and claim me as his possession again? Or is his mind still warped and twisted. Goddess, I don't know what to do if he tries to come after me again. Last time I have Elyn, Blu, Astron, Exevier, Wolfwood, and Celimene there for me. Now most are gone. What am I supposed to do? Run away again and hope someone will save me from him? It won't be Vividikus this time. Not for me at least. The two are still fighting over an old fued. Raziell is still in love with Enore... will always be... he never really loved me, he just loved the idea of not being alone.

No, if he is still the same as last we met, I will stand up for myself this time. I've trained many seasons in his absense. I am strong enough to face him. And I will. But what do I do when Matra tries to follow me. If Raziell still wishes me harm, Matra will surely get involved. And even if he doesn't... I fear his jealous wrath... I can't put Matra in harms way for this. He's still asleep, so while I have time I'll sneak away and find Raziell. Last I heard he suffered a defeat in Qufim. There is where I will go.

Even though the others and I thought him dead for so long... does this make me unfaithful...?

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

It is true, being out of that cave has lightened my mood considerably, but there's much more than that. As I wrote, I intended to leave. I was ready to find Raziell and put a stop to things. But as always, Matra was there. I told myself I was going to be strong this time and not let him persuade me otherwise. I told him I was leaving, and I tried to explain to him why. He felt there was more need of him to be there. And true it was a battle in my own heart. I wanted him to stay safe, away from the angry judging eyes of my husband. But, oh, I longed for him to be with me. However this time, I was firm against my desires and was going to put my foot down.

He followed me to the entrance, trying to get more information out of me, why I didn't want him to go with me, and why I felt so terrible. I am married... married to a madman... one who's vengeance I fear when he finds out that I love another man. And I said that to him. I can't believe I let it slip. I wasn't ready to tell him yet, I wasn't ready because I didn't feel he was ready to hear it. I was so scared of him recoiling from me, afraid, or unable to return my love, so I ran before he could do or say anything.

And much to my surprise he ran after me. I rambled on and on, apologizing, feeling stupid. I found it no surprise he didn't understand me. Finally I decided to just get it over with. If he wouldn't accept me, then I had to face it so I could move on. So I stood there, unwilling to meet his face, his eyes, and I told him the truth, that I loved him. I stood there, seconds that felt like minutes went by, and he finally embraced me from behind. It was different from his friendly arm around my shoulders, it was real, and gentle, and compassionate. I was so stunned, I couldn't do anything other than fold my hands into his arms the locked in front of me. And he whispered to me, and told me that he loved me. He finally understood what it was he was feeling, and he really did love me. I couldn't believe it. Then he kissed me. I couldn't move, for all at once the desire to touch his lips that had built up in me had overwhelmed me completely. I had never felt such a thing before in my life. I had loved other before, but never like this. And just like Matra, I was experiencing this feeling for the first time.

Looking back at these pages, I find it a foreign emotion in which I had written them. I have never been so happy before in my life, that now the sadness of just a day past seems to far away. I can hardly believe that someone could ever have that effect on me. It's an entirely new feeling, but I'm enjoying it completely.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

I have been spending some time in Matra's home, still afraid to return back to my old home. Much has happened. I met with Raziell and returned the ring... after I left, I do not know what happened to him, though I would also rather not think of it. I tried training in Ninjutsu, but my mind wasn't in it and I got myself hurt. I was back in the Mog House in San d'Oria, trying to rest and recover when I was visited by Solracht. He asked me to bring Elyn back, in a series of ways... I was terrified. He finally left me, telling me that he would be back later for my answer. I pray to Altana he never comes back.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

How I find myself the strength of will to even write seems a miracle to me. I offered to help Ninurta get away from Nautilus, so I helped him sneak away and I gave him refuge in a Rent-a-room, where none would know him. Of course, when Nautilus goes asking, Vividikus tells him everything. Nautilus was on the boat heading for Selbina, so I decided to talk to him face to face, and so I waited in Selbina for him.

To my surprise and such... overcoming joy.... Vividikus and Angel were with him. I fired a warning shot from my Expunger near his head. Then met him on the stairs in front of the ferry docks. I tried to convince him to leave Ninurta be, but he wouldn't listen, and presumed to walk right past me. I grabbed him by the arm, but he looked at me and asked me what I intended to do, since he knew I would never kill him.

I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the pain in my head, reminding me of Sol's visit, but I was filled with such fear. Fear of Sol coming back to visit me again. I threw Nautilus back down the stairs and stabbed him in the shoulder... It was only after I stabbed him that I realized what I did, and I couldn't believe it.

Nautilus didn't even seem to care though. I can't remember the words I said to him while I was crazed, but whatever it was, it set him off. He spoke of cleaning the world of it's sins, by wiping out all of Altana's Children. Zhac spoke something of loss, mentioning a woman's name I had heard before. Maybe she held some importance to Nautilus.

I then added, speaking of how we all have lost something, and my eyes drew to Vividikus in a cold stare. He knew what he had done. The only ones who knew of my precious secret are now dead, or presumed dead or have simply forgotten. How Vividikus knew I will never know, but he took advantage of me, so that he could use me to stop Elyn, so long ago.

It was so long ago... yet I will never live past that day. The day he used me for his motives against my friend, Elyn, then when it was over, took that which he threatened me with. I'll never know how he knew I was with child. I only told three others of it, all three of which would never breathe a word to him. But he knew... and he took that away from me.

But why did he feel that he should bring that past into light, and think to blame me for my loss? How could he do such a thing. That was wrong, even for him. And to top it off, he tells Nautilus to kill off those who have been getting in his way. He, now, actively wants me dead. Was it not enough that he took my husband, life and sanity, and my child?

Where has Matra gone...? I wish I did not have to depend so on another, but I must see his entrancing eyes and hear his kind words.

~Rocelyn~


Dear Diary,

I can hardly believe what I have done. My only goal in going to that battle between the clan and the corsairs was to make sure none of the clansmen were injured, and to get that crystal back from Vividikus. I fought to the corsairs, trying to protect the members of the clan. I was shot in the side in the process, but it's nothing serious. I can just wrap it up when I return home. Some were lost... and for what? To save Vividikus, who brought his own troubles on himself. We found him in a cave, where the band of pirates were hiding. Vividikus was chained to a wall, I thought he was dead from the appearance of it. Their boss stood over him, and in his hand was the crystal, and he was trying to use it. I rushed over to fight him, but the fleeing corsairs were regrouping and pushing Brucey and the clansmen back. I cut off the boss' hand from the wrist and took the crystal, but I was surrounded by his men, all aiming their guns at me. I slipped the crystal into my bag and felt the crudgel within. The boss was laughing, saying that he no longer needed the crystal. In truth, he was right. I could already feel the air growing heavy and dense. If I were fighting Vividikus I would have expected a huge explosion to soon follow. Then it hit me, that was it. I looked over at the stores of ammunition. I turned to Brucey and told him to order a retreat. Then I turned back to the laughing imbecile. I glanced over at Vividikus who had not moved at all. I was certain that he was dead. I discretly readied the crudgel within my bag, and mumbled the words to my spell. I looked over at Vividikus and saw him breathe, but it was too late now. There wasn't anything I could have done. I was surrounded and only had one way out, and I wasn't about to let that corsair get away with using the aura. I finished my fire spell aimed for the ammunition. And as the fires raged around me I used the crudgel and found myself, moments later back in Al Zhabi.

A part of me felt guilty for leaving him behind. But Vividikus had done many wrongs. I knew one day he would have to face death for his crimes. There was no reason I should have saved him, after all he's done. Yes, it was my hands and my words that lit the fire, but it was Vividikus' actions that led him to that point, and to that place. I feel like a monster, feeling no remorse for causing his death. Afterall I had known him most of my life. But no, he was different than he was before, so long ago. Now I must try to look over Epillieve, if she'll ever forgive me. The clan is hers, and she is still innocent. Many changes are about to take place, and I hope for the better.

~Rocelyn~

[Rocelyn]

Dear Diary,

Again I find myself in the Infirmary, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about the past and hating myself. I was right in the beginning. I should have listened to my own self and not my heart while it was polluted with wishes of a little girl who was far from reality. I was right.

Everyone would eventually leave me, stop caring, or just go away. Even those who promised they wouldn't... Matra is gone. He promised that night in the glacier that he would stop pushing me away, promise to let me stay by his side and help him. But again he disappeared, this time for much longer, and no one has heard from him, or at least they wont tell me they have. This is just so wrong. I thought that, for once, I could have been happy. I thought that because I had loved him that I could see through it. I thought that I would prove my mother wrong when she tried to judge me, judge him. I left my mother behind, separated her from my life, the woman who raised me, the woman I thought was murdered and spent the past years of my life trying to avenge. It's all gone wrong.

Raziell, Vividikus, Matra... those are just the ones who have mortally wounded my spirit. There are others, those I called friends, those I believed were there to help me. All of them turned on me, and even those who don't know it yet, they too will turn on me. All of them, every last one. Even Alshiana, though she refuses to believe that. "I will never abandon my friends." When she said that to me the other night, I could almost hear it as though Matra was saying it himself. Why not... he said it so many times before. Even if he hadn't wanted to, I should have known it was coming. I should have known... I should have seen it. They all leave me in the end. My mother, my father, everyone I ever loved.

I heard Alshiana crying as I made my way here. I heard her crying and it tore me up inside. Why do I still care? She'll turn on me too eventually, they all do. Maybe... I've just tried to hard at caring, caring for everyone, that it'll take some time... some time to stop caring. They're better off without me anyway. Why didn't they just let him kill me? They all would have been better off. There's nothing left for me anyway.

Now I'm alone. Nothing else, but me and the nagging weight of the lives of those who faught beside me. We all thought we were doing something great, something noble. As we sat on the deck of that airship we were in high spirits, discussing how we would continue to go about our lives, watching people grow and live in peace, watching their happiness at never knowing the dangers out in the world, never knowing that it was a group of unnamed heroes who saved them. It was all so stupid. We had no idea what we were even getting into. And I led them. I led them, and then I lost them. The failure of the mission is on my shoulders alone, they should not have been punished, but also their blood is on my hands.

Funny... everyday, people like me kill and kill, either to save themselves, or training to grow stronger, or make life better for those who cannot fight. Then they go home and wash the blood off their hands and go about their lives as though nothing had ever happened. I look at my hands... they are so unclean. I see the blood of all those who have died or been injured because of me. I see the blood of those Vividikus has killed because I did not kill him when I had the chances too. I see Elyn's blood on my hands, Shiyami's, Matra's, Vyren's. Those who were hurt because I was not strong enough. I see the blood of my companions, Akius, Dib, Bek, and Ori, their blood is on my hands. And for the past few days, I've sat at my bedside, scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing and it will not go away. Rosaline keeps telling me that there is nothing there, that I just need rest, but she doesn't know. How could she know? She hasn't done anything to put the blood of another on her soft, unscathed hands. She doesn't know what goes on while she lives comfortably in the city, while others are dying to make it so that she can go about her day without worry. She cannot see because she cannot understand. It won't come off, it will never come off. They will never come clean, I will never be clean, and seeing the blood... everyday... I fear I will lose myself in my guilt. They won't come clean... They are dirty, always dirty. I am dirty.

They won't come clean.