Suicide & Redemption

*shoots Rareitor* my pleasure, any time.

Haha, I've been there too. =)

When my sister told me that... well, she's my sister, my reaction was "oh, okay." Seriously. Of course, I'm ridiculously liberal and open minded, not to mention a bit of nonconformist. Along with the "I ALWAYS WANTED A BIG SISTER! =D" attitude, lol. Even still, there were no previous clues of this outside in the open... well, save for the whole trimming eyebrows and shaving body hair thing.~

Likewise, I can't say I was at all surprised when Vulcan told me and some others that she was going to transition. Because, hey, things like this really happen in life. All the time. And I don't judge people by what sex they are, as opposed to who they are.

I'm not sure how I'd react to something like this in real life. I'd like to say that my reaction here would be that exact same response, but I'm not sure. It is different when you talk to the person as a flesh and blood human being every day, rather than occassionally through the internet without ever actually meeting them.

But, I do know that despite my initial reaction, whatever it may have been, I'd offer up the same amount of support as I do here. It might have taken me a few seconds, minutes, hours, or days, but I'm pretty confident I'd find my sympathy sooner rather than later. I'm just not entirely used to the situation first hand.

Obviously, I think some ackwardness would have to be expected, even by the most accepting of souls. Transitioning from "hey bro" or "dude" wouldn't come overnight, breaking years of habit, and neither would referring to you as a "she" instead of a "he". That alone lends itself to a complicated situation that doesn't seem like it would be until you actually deal with it.

But...if anybody ever claims your situation is weird, just remind them it took billions of years of reactionary and coincidental changes to get to this point in our evolution, just to reach that very conversation. Let them think about that for a while, and suddenly, that's not the weirdest part of their day. That comes when they realize they've spent the last hour staring at their feet, wondering when we actually formed toes and why.

Unless, they're from the South. Then you're fucked.

I kid, I kid.

Or, you can also ask a random question like "hey, what the fuck happened to Stallone's face? He looks like a piece of granite that spent some time in a cement mixer."

There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said, but I'll try. Like everyone said, I'd prolly be stunned if you'd told me this face-to-face (well, moreso than I was here). Who wouldn't? But I like to think that when push came to shove, I still would've offered every bit of support I'm worth. I like to think I'm an openminded, accepting guy. Hell, my roommate senior year was a gay muslim of mid-east descent. If that's not a test in openmindedness, I don't know what is.

But as it played out, I may not have known how you always felt, but you had my support, even before I was done reading your very first post talking about this. It's no small wonder why'd you'd initially want to keep this to yourself, but I'm glad you were willing to tell me about it. I also feel like my horizons have broadened, if only a little, and I have a better understanding of why folks might want to undergo such a change. It wasn't until you spoke up that I had any idea how much anguish transgenders feel on a daily basis. Like I said, it sounded as though it was eatting at the back of your mind and burning a hole through your soul. And like Maks said, up until now, transgenders have always been sort of a mix between walking punchlines and Bigfoot. But now, I like to think I have a little more respect and appreciation what of this struggle transgenders feel within. And I'm glad to hear you're setting plans and putting them into motion. Best of luck to ya!

You know I don't mind at all about your change~! ^^ You can be whatever the heck you want to be, it won't change that you're my friend. =D

Though I still want to try cross dressing at some point in my life~ X3 Just for fun~

Think the two of you need to meet up and give that a go. =P

Dunno what good it does to mention but I guess I've made progress.

I had an appointment with my psychiatric yesterday for perhaps the first time since I graduated. When I told her that I'm still really determined to get on HRT and make transition, she promised that she would recommend me to a gender therapist in Manhattan once I'm ready.

Of course among many things to do before getting started there is my trying to date a certain someone and telling them about my situation in the process. More immediately I guess that maybe I should get to it with coming out to my brothers and explaining things a little better to my sister. *sigh* Life is such a hassle.

It sounds like you're already getting things on the right track~ I really, really wish the best for you Alice~ ^^ While I can't offer much help I can at least cheer you on and offer morale support~!

And that doesn't sound like a bad idea Proto X3

Hey! Any progress is good progress and never sell yourself short.

Maybe for a chuckle or two I suggest finding some clips of Eddie Izzard on YouTube. He's a known crossdresser, describes himself as a "lesbian stuck in a man's body", and is fucking hilarious to boot. A little laughter can go a long way.

Writing out my feelings is yet again easier than vocalizing my agony. I just got done sending an email to my brothers explaining my situation. We'll see how it goes from there, cross my fingers and hope for the best. It just amazes me though how I choked up over the phone and how easily I could articulate myself online. I suppose that the send button is impulsive but faithful.

Well, I can't really say much else other then what's already been said here, but I admire your courage and I wish you luck as you open up to the people in your life.

I feel sick. It is taking all my strength to open my inbox. I know this is what I wanted but hesitation is human nature. I never said a word of this to them beforehand, no hints whatsoever. I don't know what to expect.

Avi, how did your family take your sister's coming out and her transition? I know you were fine with it but what was it to everybody else? I know you're a little private about offline matters but I'm genuinely curious.

I shall use this momentary lull to interrupt the ongoing discussion in regards to gaming jingoism and ergo bring attention to myself. I know this shit's hard to relate to, but please do humor me.

My brothers seem to be accepting of my decision. The dispute is now with my mother who literally isn't capable of even comprehending my struggle. Here's how I know that she is blisteringly stupefied by the concept: she assumes that it has NOTHING to do with getting up in the the morning and being able to function.

Perhaps if I lived every day of my life HAPPY with that fake, bitter asshole in the mirror, I'd be more than happy to make a living. I can't do fucking ANYTHING when I wake up. I just either want to go back to sleep or in more extreme cases I fantasize about being able to cut myself without retching at the sight of my own blood.

But thanks to the delight of hemophobia my arms are rather smooth and silky, no scars in sight... Yay for irrational fears keeping me from slicing an artery! =D

Anyway, goddammit... I wish I could be more descriptive about the relationship I have with my mother but its so fucking complicated. Most days it just feels like a fucking ball and chain. I should probably just move out or something. Maybe once I find a job it'll work out.

While I'm only vaguely familiar with the kind of relationship you have with your mom from non-related past conversations, I do feel justified in giving the following advice.

Your mom was just hit with one hell of an atom bomb. Its gonna take her some time to get comfortable with the idea, if ever.

She's known you as her son for almost twenty years. Its gonna be hard to think of you as her daughter. Of all the people in your life, she's gotta be the one with the closest connection to you as a person, even if you feel differently. Up until now, she probably had a pretty firm idea of who you were, but now she's likely questioning everythng. Gender is a pretty big deal for most people.

I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic; just trying to relate to what she's going through. You've got to admit that this would be one hell of an announcement to be on the other end of. A sense of denial on her part is probably the most natural reaction she can have, and will probably be followed up with a sense of guilt as she questions "where she went wrong" in raising you. Her main struggle is going to be to reach the conclusion that she didn't go wrong anywhere- that you are an individual, seperate from who she wants you to be. Her conclusion is going to shape the relationship between you two.

Your struggle is now her's. She's going to have just as hard a time figuring this out as you have. It'll be important to try and work through it together, and not be militant or combative. She'll try and convince you that you're wrong, but your job is try and get her acclimated to the general idea without shoving it in her face, making things hard for years to come. You're gonna need her support, so its in your best interest to work with each other, rather than cut her out of your life entirely.

All I can say is that it'll probably be really rough for a while. I'm sorry, but that's probably the truth. But you're going to have to stick with it, otherwise you will regret it later on, after the damage has been done. I'm not blaming you for being who you are. This is just an uncommon situation that most parents probably never think about, and are thusly ill-equipped to tackle such a situation.

She's pretty liberal so I'm not afraid of her rejecting me. I just find it hard to deal with all the posturing she sometimes does instead of being honest with me about HER feelings on the matter. It's better than being kicked out of the house like a ton of transgenders get but this is still pretty frustrating.

Well, is your mom talking to you?

If so, you have that much going. My mom and my sister are no longer on speaking terms. They haven't been for over a year and a half. And from the looks of things, I don't know if they'll ever speak to one another ever again. My sister tried time and again to reason with her, but ultimately without success.

I am not trying to deter you - just showing what other transpeople have to go through, which you may be aware of, but, sadly, is truly the case.


Sure, if I had a kid who wanted to transition, I'd be fully understanding and compliant to their wishes. Even still, I try to do what Rich does and try seeing it from another's point of view. While I'd be fine with a transkid, I wouldn't be fine with a kid who, say, wanted to join the army. I'd always love the kid, but it would be hell for me to think about my baby wanting to fight and possibly die in a meaningless conflict that I am totally against all the way.

Looking at it that way, there is hope that despite initial reactions, the parent will still love the child, such was the reaction of my dad. But on the other end, we'll have parents who will turn out to be complete bigots who will, oh, associate their trans-child with the "lowest of the low" due to being blinded and brainwashed with draconian ideals all their lives. It's sad, and I wish humanity would just evolve and understand already, but this is the way of things.


I wish you the best; and here's hoping your mom comes around to you eventually. From the sound of things, you might not be off to a bad start, honestly. =)

It sounds like things are getting very complicated now... Some parents can get pretty crazy when they hear these kinds of things...

I actually was pretty nervous when I told my parents about having a boyfriend. At first it was pretty silent, however over time as they got to understand Scott they started to accept it more. In fact my mom even said "Even if I find it a little strange, I'm still happy for you that you found someone" She was really sweet about it. Even my dad eventually came to terms about having a boyfriend.

When your family accepts you for who you truly are, it's a really liberating feeling. ^^ All I can say is to never give up Alice.

Peppy: Never give up! Trust your instincts!

Hey, Vulcan. Don't know if you remember me... it's Duck. I'm transitioning in the opposite direction, how bout that! Just wanna let you know you have a friend and ally in me if you need one. God knows how hard it is.

Never give up the dream. Never let anyone tell you that you're not who you feel you are.

EDIT: Just noticed this hasn't been posted in since September. Hard to tell when it's still on the first page. Sorry about that.

It's okay when things are on the first page. It's bumping things on other pages that's really necroposting ont he forum you know?

Holy crap, it's Duck! Life is just fulla surprises! How've you been, man?

Pretty good as of late.. you know, since accepting that I was trans and all. I'm not on hormones yet but I want to start some time next year, if possible.

This place, whoa. The memories! Are teams still a big thing here? I don't see a lot of recent threads about them but they're in people's sigs. I probably won't get back into that... starting college soon so I'll be quite busy.

Other teams are sorta taboo here. There was an incident that really shouldn't be brought up.

Yeah, more or less this place has become exclusively dedicated to the teams hosted on the Mechanical Maniacs server and nothing else (MM3, Sinister 6 and AXE). There's another place out there for all the rest but Gauntlet will bitchslap me if I say anything more :x

I sure hope I'm not overstepping by inviting it publicly like this, but if you feel like venting about or going into any detail on the self-discovery and coming out processes, please don't hold back! This whole thing has already kinda served it's purpose as far as I'm concerned so why not turn it into a generalized "Transgender Discussion" thread? =]

Found the other teams with a bit of Googling. I won't ask what happened.. still, it's cool to see that something I was into forever ago is still around.

Well, yeah, here's one thing about coming out that has bugged me. My mom insisting that I liked dresses when I was little, as if that invalidates me or something. It's also untrue and now I have proof. We recently went through all of our old family photos, you see. There are pictures of little me in dresses, but all of them are from when I was under 5 years old. As soon as I started picking my own clothes I stopped wearing them. SHE liked to dress me up, I DID NOT. I have memories of her begging me to wear dresses, or to let her braid my hair. Thinking about it kinda makes me want to scream.
Oh yeah, and earlier today she came with me to look at an apartment, and kept calling me a she in front of my potential landlord. She then TOLD the landlord than I'm trans to explain her slipups. I try to stealth if I can so this is an issue.

She preferred having a daughter. :(

Of course there is much more to being trans than just not liking the stuff that society has assigned to your sex. I'd prefer not to go into detail about how I feel about my body, especially certain parts (or lack of parts). It's not a positive feeling, I'll leave it at that.

Just something that occurs to me:

Although I can't directly relate due to going in the opposite direction, I have tremendous respect for FtM transsexuals. MtF's have the luxury of being able to get hormones on the internet fairly easily without a prescription, but testosterone is a controlled substance, no thanks to steroid abuse. Not only that but their shade of the spectrum is often underrepresented even within transgender communities. Support groups are a fair amount of bullshit for young people due to the late bloomers, but I'd imagine it's like being the only black guy in a Japanese high school if you're FtM.

tl;dr: I feel your pain, bro. I might not understand directly but all I need is to think in "Opposite Day" logic and it all becomes another flavor of the transgender experience. =)

As for teams... incident or not, I'll just come out and say that they're pretty dead at this point. ;)

But getting back on topic, I'm amazed at the amount of transpeople coming out here. That makes, I guess, three on this forum? I'm just simply queer, but nonetheless I offer my unwavering support to my trans brothers/sisters/siblings. To say nothing of the 82934732984 other gender identities... I feel slightly androgynous although obviously more on the feminine end, going from girly to tomboy and back again as the mood sees fit. Or maybe it's just my pan(a)sexuality, Idunno, I try not to think too hard on it. ^^;

Sylvester, be very thankful your mother is even interacting with you and acknowledging the fact that you are trans. That's... saying a real lot. She could ostracize you from the family while wallowing in denial over the fact that you are a boy, which as I know well, DOES happen, unfortunately. Happened with my (MtF) sister. So seriously... be thankful for this much. And for those who are accepting of transsexuality, note that it can still be hard for some to break the force of habit using the wrong names and pronouns. They might not mean ill, they just have a hard time grasping it. Well, whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck!

Oh yeah, I know I could be much worse off. Most of my family has been wonderful and accepting. All except my older sister, but truthfully I was never close to her anyway so I'm not too sad about that. I still can't shake the feeling that my mom isn't happy with the 'new' me, but at least she's trying.

I gotta say, major respect goes both ways. I especially admire the courage of MtFs transitioning when they've already reached adulthood. Many of testosterone's effects are permanent (esp. once you're past 30) and no amount of HRT is going to change them. T has done its foul work on these older women and many will never 'pass,' but do they let that stop them?

Meanwhile, a FtM who's been on T for a year is indistinguishable from a regular dude. It's unfair, really.

One other question. What's with Dr. Light and peaches?

I'v actually wondered what was up with the peaches myself, just never though to ask.
Anyway, hi Sylv. I'm a MtF. And yeah, be thankful that your families this accepting, i doubt my folks will take the news well when the info inevitably slips out. I also think your mother may just be finding it hard to accept and means well but is just finding it really awkward to consider you a boy since for a large chunk of her life she's known you as a girl.

Um... Shift, I thought you were MtF? >.>;

Peaches? Oh yeah! It started during one of the IRL Mechanical Manics meetings. Something about them playing Megaman IV on Game Boy and coming to the conclusion that the "P-Chips" that Dr. Light needed to make items sounded like "Peaches" when you said it right. The guys decided that everyone who was at the gathering would create handmade signatures alluding to Dr. Light's supposed obsession with peaches. Nobody was to acknowledge the phenomenon, they just silently attached the signatures and waited patiently for everybody to ask WTF was up with it... which ironically took a couple months before any public speculation began XD

And yeah... testosterone has so much raw power that it's actually somewhat terrifying. I'm probably a bit luckier than others. I don't have an Adam's apple and my facial hair is pale blonde, fairly hard to notice at a distance until it grows out long enough. My frame is the real issue. Outward characteristics can be altered but... I believe them bones are me =/

^Huh? *Looks at post.* *Facepalm.* How did i miss that? That's gotta be my dumbest typo ever. XD
And ditto on the bones crap, ugh stupid shoulders.