Jokes, I love MJNet

[I love MJNet]

I love MJNet
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2005 8:56 pm Post subject: Jokes Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
Do you have some jokes to share?

Here are a couple I got sent tonight to get this thread going.

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


Even the men need to read this one!

We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find out that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are),we
learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,"Please stop screaming", Mrs.HEAR ME ROAR. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (More like 10) ,warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking,jabbering, wet,gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then... come their teen years. Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his some where around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void.

So we progress into the grand finale:"The Menopause,"the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So,while I love being a woman,"Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.. but not too hard or they may pee their panties.
And send it to all the guys you know so they understand.

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause.

Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 5:21 pm Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
This isn't a joke, but still amusing imo. Friend emailed me this but don't know how to put it on the board so have to retype it. Genuine article from "Housekeeping Monthly" 13 May 1955

THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE
Have dinner ready. This is your way of letting him know that you care.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup and put a ribbon in your hair.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter and run a dustcloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months, light a fire for him to unwind by. Catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Encourage the childern to be quiet.They are little treasure and he would like to see them playing the part.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him but let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes.
Dont ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment.He is the master. You have no right to question him.
Finally, a good wife always knows her place. Shocked
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MJNet
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Joined: 07 Jun 2005
Posts: 153
Location: The Holte End, Villa Park

PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 5:57 pm Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
Quote:
his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Dont ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment.He is the master. You have no right to question him.
Finally, a good wife always knows her place.



Were they wives or slaves? My God thats soooo scary. And to think some cultures now still act this way. Confused too
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 9:59 pm Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
Yeah, I know!! There's a part of me that wants to laugh, it is so unbelieveable and a part of me that thinks SCARY!
My friend and I agree we can't believe they ever published that. I can't imagine my gran following those rules! She would have bashed my grampa over the head with a frying pan! Laughing
Angers me that some people in some cultures still have those rules.
Right, I'm off to think of a joke. Confused
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southernkiwi
Sweet Fanny Adams


Joined: 10 Jun 2005
Posts: 214
Location: NZ in body, Salford in spirit

PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 3:44 am Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
I'm crap at jokes, but I do groaners quite well. Smile Hence...
-----------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the sportsman looking for love at a seafood bar?

He pulled a mussel.
-----------------------------------------
Boom boom. Razz

SKiwi
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:26 pm Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
I will give you some clean jokes (probably heard them b4) and leave the unsavory ones to CB! Wink
Why was 6 afraid of 7? .... because 7 8 9!! (seven ate nine)!!

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? .... because the parrotts ate em all! (paracentamal)

Not a joke, but...

Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon
one thousand volts shot up its a**e
and turned its wool to nylon!!
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NZ Bad Girl
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:35 am Post subject: Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
What did the 0 say to the 8?


Nice belt.


Rolling Eyes
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I love MJNet
The reverse side has a reverse side


Joined: 10 Jun 2005
Posts: 434


PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 10:17 am Post subject: For the animal lovers here Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post Delete this post View IP address of poster
How Many? (The Lab description cracks me everytime),
How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned

out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? ! Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb"

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

[mandanalover]

telephone rings

child picks up the phone " Hello"

Hi darling, this is daddy is mama athome?

No, daddy. She is in the bedroom with uncle Frank!

After a short pause daddy says "but you don't have an uncle Frank darling!

O yes, I have one and he is upstairs with mama in the bedroom!

Oh.....okay then, I want you to do something for me, lay down the phone run upstairs and knock on the door and say that daddy's car just stopped for the house!
Okay daddy!

a few minutes later the girl comes back and said "I did what you asked daddy"
And what happened?

Well mamma was very afraid and jumped out of bed without clothes and she fell over the carpet and flew through the window outside and now she is dead!

Jesus??? what happened to uncle Frank?

He jumped out of bed also without clothes and was afraid and jumped out the window at the other side into the swimmingpool, but I think he forgot that you emptied the swimmingpool last week so he fell on the floor and died too!

Long pause.............

Then daddy says Swimmingpool?????????? Sh*t wrong number!

[I love MJNet]

Ooppsss

[I love MJNet]

Farmer has problems

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

[southernkiwi]

Shamelessly thieved from another Board, a brilliant reworking of the lightbulb joke. Loved it.

SKiwi
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many BBC7 Message Board members does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 71:



1 to change the light bulb.

1 to witness the changing of the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

1 to declare how much he disapproved of that particular method of changing light bulbs.

7 to share their experiences on the field of changing light bulbs, and to suggest how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

2 to say that they think that particular method of changing light bulbs is politcal correctness gone mad, and amounts to censorship.

3 to reminisce about a different method of changing of light bulbs 15 years ago on Radio4.

1 person to lament the fact that he did not witness the changing of the light bulb.

2 to argue that, this being BBC7, the light bulb’s bound to be changed again soon.

2 to state that the idiot at the BBC responsible for throwing away a lot of first class light bulbs many years ago ought to be shot.

1 to point out spelling/grammar errors in the previous posts.

1 to attack the the spell checker.

1 to defend the spell checker.

1 to find spelling/grammar errors in the previous three posts.

1 person to quote an extremely long passage from a previous message, even though it is in no comprehensible way relevant to their own comment.

1 person to ask how to quote from previous messages.

1 person to explain how to quote from previous messages.

2 people to correct faults or misunderstandings in the previous explanation.

3 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 2 to condemn those three as stupid pedants.

1 BBC-employee to inform the group that the proper BBC term is “lamp”.

2 non-BBC-employees who insist on knowing better.

1 person to recall that there was indeed a thread about the changing of light bulbs on the old BBC7 message board.

1 to argue that this particular thread on changing light bulbs is not relevant to BBC7 and that it should instead have been started on the Radio4 Science message board.

8 to defend the posting of this particular thread on the BBC7 message board, since we all, including the actors in shows broadcast on BBC7, change light bulbs from time to time – thus making this thread relevant to BBC7.

1 to ask where to find information about different methods of changing light bulbs, or indeed, light bulbs in general.

2 to post URLs where one can find extensive information on light bulbs as well as on the changing of light bulbs.

2 to post that the URLs on light bulbs were posted incorrectly.

1 to post the corrected URLs.

1 to explain hat the original URLs were not, in fact, posted incorrectly, but that the reasons for them not working is of a complex technical nature, the explanation of which is so long it has to be divided into two different posts.

1 to manage to find a connection between the subject of changing light bulbs and a BBC7 employee, which in some way he turns into an opportunity to attack or insult that particular employee.

1 BBC7 message board host to reprimand the previous poster for breaking the house rules.

1 to ask what a light bulb actually is.

1 to paste in some bit of information they found on the web which – apparently – somehow proves that a thread about changing light bulbs is indeed relevant to BBC7.

1 person to post a URL with a drawing of a light bulb which they consider in some way funny.

1 person to ask how to post URLs in a message.

1 person to explain how to post URLs in a message.

8 people to post exactly the same explanation given by the previous poster.

1 person to miraculously come up with a totally empty message window.

1 to inform the community that there’s sometimes a changing of light bulbs on Oneword, too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

[southernkiwi]

SKiwi
---------------------------------------------------------------------
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never a ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[Lisa289]

I went to the zoo yesterday.
There was only one dog in it.
It was a shit zoo.

[I love MJNet]

Had this emailed to me - and did snigger, so thought I would post it here.

The Credit Crunch!

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.