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 Eduard Heir: Alive, Dead, or both?, An Exclusive Interview
Posted: Apr 14 2009, 10:12 PM

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Eduard Heir: Alive, Dead, or both?

An exclusive interview with Unibot’s favorite playboy billionaire after his supposedly “life-altering” experience with torture and enslavement.

Contributed by Shelia McAdams, reporter.
Associated Press – Unibotian Sun


McAdams – “Let me just start off with it’s an honor to meet Unibot’s president, and loyal diplomat – I’ve heard so much about you in books… and….”


McAdams-“Of course (blushes). Now first of all, I must ask you about your new appearance and wardrobe – before your um…stay, in New South Hell, you were a big fan of power suits, sports cars, clean shaves and notoriously an advocate for um…alcohol, drugs and according to Stardomer magazine, you were - and I quote “a wild crusader of sexual encounters”. So I must ask you for all of us here in Unibot, why the sudden change?”

Heir-“You can’t see the stars at night in Unibot anymore, I like the stars.”

McAdams-“Um…how does that relate? I’m sure you can still catch your favorite celebrity gossip on Ebot news every Wednesday night.”

Heir-“That’s not what I meant.”

McAdams-“DON’T YOU THINK the PEOPLE deserve to KNOW the TRUTH (flustered), Mr. Heir. Why the mystery, today you’ve come to the studio in a robe, sporting a foot long beard, a walking stick and barefeet – what happened in New South Hell, why the transformation from playboy to philosopher?”

Heir-“Truth is only the reality we believe in.”


Heir-“That the stars are only there for those that wish to see.”

McAdams-“Enough about the fucking stars will you? You were on a diplomatic mission to New South Hell, over a week ago. We heard rumors of you being eaten by lotuses, and swallowed up by the land – your advisors claim they saw your dead body. What do you say about that?”

Heir-“They didn’t follow the stars. No one did.”

McAdams-“Why this fixation on the stars?”

Heir-“Because they led me home.”

McAdams-“Where did you need…leading, from?”

Heir-“A land without stars, where men need to be their own guiding lights. I had annoyed the government of Hell, and therefore punished to imprisonment in a starless cave.”

McAdams-“In this ‘starless cave’ – what happened?”

Heir-“I was beaten by my own guards, raped by my own prostitutes, shot by my own war victims, shouted at from my own drunken anger, hit repeatedly by own car and watched the love of my life die everyday because of my lies, my materialism and my betrayal.”

McAdams-“The love of your life – do you mean the Fatatatutti woman we’ve been hearing about in the tabloids. You took time off work, to cope with her leaving you, correct?”

Heir-“Those were my darkest days, in my own personal hell they played on those memories too - I saw myself on that very bridge, unshaven and misunderstood trying to commit suicide. Every time I failed to do it, she died – once I even pushed myself off the edge, and she BEAT me for it.”

McAdams-“So in this personal hell, your memories came back to haunt you like some bad Christmas special?”

Heir-“A haunting would not be an accurate portrayal of the events. They were not livid nightmares that I experienced. Healing does not come from haunting someone. Believe it or not, I did not willingly leave my personal hell. At some point you begin to understand – you WANT to be punished, and at that point your old self ceases to exist and you’ve won the battle over yourself. Your personal hell is no longer purposeful.”

McAdams-“Can you return to there?”

Heir-“I could return to New South Hell, but with such tribulations of my past gone, my prison could not form itself – banishment would be nothing more than banishment”

McAdams-“One thing I don’t really understand is how you grew a beard and all of that in a week’s time”.

Heir-“My imprisonment lasted a thousand years, age or time are not concepts in the spaces between the walls.”

McAdams-“And how were you rescued – you mentioned something about “following the stars” earlier?”

Heir-“I rescued myself, by finally looking hard enough – I awoke in a realm of rejected souls no longer a misguided human being. I remember looking around at the stars of the realm’s night sky; they were the first thing I saw with my fresh eyes – so beautiful.”

McAdams-“What do you see yourself doing in the future?”

Heir-“It takes time for the light of stars to reach one’s eyes, but I’ll be on the lookout.”

McAdams-“Well, thank you”

Heir-“No, thank you.”


I'll fill it in more as I get ideas, this is a pretty rough sketch of the interview.
Posted: Apr 14 2009, 10:29 PM

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If you can, bold the questions... so it's easier to tell them apart.

[23:48] <Preston> I am an idiot of the highest power
Posted: Apr 14 2009, 10:39 PM

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Posted: Apr 15 2009, 02:00 AM

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We heard rumors of you being eaten by lotuses, and swallowed up by the land – your advisors claim they say your dead body.

Found one! biggrin.gif

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