Why were the police called to the Heart's house on Valentine's day?
Neighbors reported threats of domestic violence, saying that Mr. Heart yell "I only beat for you!"
A man walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now his curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" he asked.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
The Broken-Hearted Blonde
On Valentine's Day, a lovely young blonde was making her way through Seaside Town. She's humming her favourite love song (it's sugarly cute) happily. It's been the perfect day. She got some fancy (but probably evil) chocolates, picked a few tiger-lilies with minimum scratches, and got some Supernova Champagne and two glasses. Everything is set for the perfect romantic evening with her sweetheart. However, the door is ajar when she gets home. Curious, she goes up the stairs quietly. To her horror, she finds her adventurer boyfriend in bed with the Naughty Sorceress! In despair and fury, she grabs his discarded sugar shotgun, and points it at her own head. Her boyfriend sees this, and cries out: "Honey, no! It's not worth it!"
She retorts: "Shut up, you bastard! You're NEXT!"
She said she only wanted to know his name
He introduced himself
She said she only wanted him near her
He spent his time with her
She said she only wanted his eyes on her
He watched her all the time
She said she only wanted commitment
He had her committed
There was a couple, Jack and Diane. Diane was constantly worried that Jack was cheating on her, but she was surprised to see a bouquet of flowers waiting for her on the morning of Feb 14th. There was a card attached, and with much joy, Diane read the card: Happy VD Diane! Diane jumped up and down with joy, until she felt an itch down below...
A list of v-day'ish poems of different types of relationships and situations
Roses are red
violets are blue
I just arranged
Your marriage for you
Mario wears red
Swordsman Link Green
In my heart, you've the best score
that i've ever seen
We know what we're doing
so we ask you kindly
give us all the power
and trust us all blindly
(12 year old girl on facebook)
rozez r red.
vilets r blu
im despreate for a date
assk meee out wont u?
(response to 12 year old girl on facebook)
Spellcheck lines are red
stop using shorthand
you're 12 you dont need a date
youre the most annoying in the land
you are so nice, eh
i really like you, eh
even if you dont want to date me
i will be your friend, eh
(doctor to patient)
You don't have diseases
but take this vitamin pill
and before i forget
here is the bill
(awesome college friends (based on a true story))
Not looking for romance
oh nice pun, WUDDUP
thank you S. M. B for
sharing your pudding cup
Edward is sparkly
Jacob's fur's the way
youre no wolf or vampire
so go away
rose thorns are green
your blood is read
is officially dead
My pal Jane said you're nice
and you have a huge rack
i guess i misheard her
she said you want a snack
if you have sex before you marry
you will never be with jesus
so dont you dare fornicate
did i mention you should love jesus?
(cat to human)
you have to feed me
now i sleep on your face
tee hee hee hee
tis work of a mage
if you dont love me
exit the damn stage
sores are red
violets are lube
you are loco
can i have oy number
What's better than a cute angel in the day?
A hot devil at night. Buh-dum chhh
A man and his date walk into the fancy restaurant where they have their Valentine's reservations. The man is pretty nervous since this is their first Valentine's and he doesn't know what she expects of him but really doesn't want to blow it. He was so nervous about the date, in fact, that he'd gone to a fortune teller the day before to predict how the date would go and to get some advice. The gypsy-looking woman behind the ball told him that he would know the date was going well if he saw the following three signs, hearts, candles, and cupids. However, he was quite distressed when they got to the restaurant and saw none of those things. Despite that, things were going smoothly until he leaned in for a kiss and bonked his nose on her face, starting it bleeding. This horrified him until he saw that the drops of blood formed a perfect heart on the white table cloth. Things went downhill again when their shared dessert came with a sparkler instead of a candle on top, which proceeded to singe her hair. Things could not have gotten worse except that when he got up to leave, the man tripped into the waiter and his server platter crashed onto his head. Sure enough, he saw little cupids flying around his head as he came to. Needless to say, his date ended poorly, despite the management's best efforts to make everything up to him. He stormed back into the fortune tellers the next day and told his story, frustrated that things went so badly. The gypsy looked at his bruised and bloodied face, grinned and said, "whoa whoa whoa. You have a SPARKLER at dinner? What more could you have asked for?" The man, clearly not amused, said "A second date..." The fortune teller retorted, "Well, we're both free next Thursday and Saturday..."
A man sleeps on his deathbed. His wife prays beside him in silence, and he finally opens his eyes.
"Martha," he says. "I have something to confess to you."
"No, Stewart. It doesn't matter now. Please just save your energy."
"No, this is important!" he insists. "I have to tell you now, or I know I'll never get into heaven. I cheated on you, Martha."
"Oh, I know that! I poisoned you."
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
ENTRY#11(that's ridiculous. that's not even funny.)
So I was at the jewellers when I overheard the following:
"Sir, do you want me to write her name on the bracelet?"
"No, write 'to my one and only love'"
"Oh, how romantic of you sir!"
"Nah, just being practical. That way, if we break up, I can give the bracelet to someone else!"
Round 2 attempt at getting the winners posted. I did this last night but when I hit "post" stupid chrome went all off-the wagon on me.
Honourable Mention: 6-Pack Candy Heart
Runner-Up: 6-Pack of Love Songs
4th Place Winner: 100,000 meat
3rd Place Winner: 250,000 meat
2nd Place Winner: Radio Button Candy
#2- KoL Miners Daughter
1st Place Winner: 1,000,000 meat
Grand Prize Winner: A Cute Angel
#3- The Kestrel