THE PICTURE WARS: BATTLE OF THE WITS
By Rita Skeeter

Hogwarts is once again the center of scandal, though this time it does not involve the questionable activities of Laurienta Flentowock. Several days ago at breakfast, every student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was sent a copy of the same letter. It depicted Sirius Black as either a homosexual or a girl, and once the letters were delivered the Great Hall erupted into giggles and rumors immediately started to spread. With the continuing of the letters that have now included Alice Meadows, Evan Rosier, Lily Evans and James Potter, often depicted almost nude or in very seductive or inappropriate poses, more rumors have spread among the student body. So many tales are frankly ridiculous, but how is a student to sort out the truth from the lies? That's where I, Rita Skeeter, come in. I have sorted through every tall tale and truth that has circulated through the halls, and after doing a little homework, I believe I can answer your questions. As a columnist for the Hogwarts Twaddler, it is my responsibility to bring you the news and shed some light on the real stories that are affecting our school.

The first question that anyone will probably ask relates to who started this malicious chain of nonsense. Many have speculated on the origins and the mastermind of such an entertaining and disturbing prank, and the story usually can be traced back to Evan Rosier. Dahlia Gough, a seventh year Hufflepuff, swears that "Evan Rosier is exactly the sort that would start something like this. He's got a crude sense of humor, you see." While Rosier can be viewed as a likely suspect, his closest friends swear that Rosier is not the culprit. Gilderoy Lockheart, a sixth year Hufflepuff and one of Rosier's close friends, "doesn't believe it for a moment." Said Lockheart about the incident: "Evan just isn't funny enough to come up with such harmless humor. He may have had some contribution later in the chain, but there's no way that he thought it up." Upon interviewing students and studying the "picture wars," as the collection of photos and letters is now known, I have come to the conclusion that Lily Evans is the most likely culprit, despite her appearing innocent in such matters.The collected evidence points to Evans, whose last name could be the reason that Evan is suspected, as it can be assumed that the names "Evans" and "Evan" were mixed up and misunderstood as the story passed through the student body.

The next question that is being considered is whether or not these inappropriate photos are real or simply distortions. While there are so many photos of students like Alice Meadows and Lily Potter that some assume to be fake, all sources point to the legitimacy of the photographs. While the girls have a spotless reputation academically and used to have one socially, many of the students who have attended parties with Gryffindors that included popular pranksters James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and the two seventh year girls admit to Evans and Meadows engaging in unacceptable activities such as drinking. "When those two get a few firewhiskeys in them, they'll do anything, " claims a seventh year Gryffindor that wishes to remain anonymous. He continued on to explain how the photos were all taken at such parties, and Miss Evans and Miss Meadows were likely intoxicated and unable to make clear decisions on their actions. While there were also some extremely inappropriate photos of James Potter, no one has denied that he was willing to pose for pictures while in a clear state of mind. "Potter? He likes that stuff," explained Miss Bletchley, a fifth year Slytherin. "No one doubts that those are legitimate pictures."

After listening to many sides of the story and sorting through the lies, it is safe to conclude that the photographs are legitimate (though a photograph of a pregnant Lily Evans is still under speculation) and the mastermind of the "Picture Wars" is Miss Lily Evans. Despite an extremely unhappy staff, the wars appear to rage on, with new sets of scandalous photos released every so often for the embarrassment of the victim. Students are cautioned and encouraged to not allow any photographs they don't want the entire school to see to be taken, as that is a risk many seem to be running when using cameras on and off the Hogwarts campus.

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If any student has further information regarding this article or another topic, please send a letter containing the information to Miss Rita Skeeter, fourth year Ravenclaw via owl. Both signed and anonymous letters are welcome.