The following letter and picture are sent to every student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at breakfast:


"Sirius Black: Secret girl? It sure would explain the need to fix his hair so often."

The following, along with the previous letter, is mailed to Sirius:
Happy hunting. You should really be more careful of where you fix your hair.

"No, they aren't there, titless."

Like the previous letters, this is sent to the entire student body.


"Oh, look! The Sex God of Hogwarts is actually... Gay! Sorry girls!"

Shown to one Sirius Black:

You're good. But not good enough.

"Evan Rosier? Really? I'm surprised he touched you without a ten-foot pole. How wasted were you? By the way, Evans, desperation is not a good look for you."

"Don't you look pretty? Oh... wait... oh! And is that lipstick? Unbelievable! The Sex God of Hogwarts wears lipstick, too!"

Sirius Black:

Fuck you.

"Who's baby is that? Rosier's? And no, thank you, Evans. I don't want you to fuck me, as cute as you are when you get all pissy."

"Disgusting, really."

"Now I know what James sees in you."

"Girls, boys, and... Cows? Oh, la la."

Sirius Black:

Keep it to actual pictures of me.

"Cute costume, Evans. I like a sexy nurse.

And don't deny it, Evans. That was ALL you."

"You were an awkward looking child, Sirius Black. It explains some things now, doesn't it?"

"Right back atcha, Evans."

"Awh. Sirius Black is the sweet, puppy-holding kind of guy! He's such a softy."

"Yes, Evans, my penis really is that big."

"The real Sirius comes out."