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Group: Slytherin
Posts: 75
Member No.: 69
Joined: 4-July 06
I've been wanting to write something like this for a long time. I just don't know if it written well, or if it makes any sense. I know that there's a lot of grammer that needs to be fixed, which I will do before I even think about posting it anywhere. But yes, help in any way, shape, or form would be nice.
This scene takes place right after she got off a plane and is baggage claim, just so you know. She is visting her dad in Boston for winter break.
QUOTE
As I walked through the airport that I would soon know like the back of my hand, I saw him. I don’t know who he was, or why it mattered, but I felt some connection with him. He was looking at the wall opposite me, so I didn’t mind staring at him. His black hair covered his eyes. I could not be sure about the colour but they looked to be black, just pure black. It sent shivers down my spine.
And then he looked at me.
His eyes didn’t seem surprised that they had found me staring at him. They just seemed to want to return the favor. I couldn’t look away. His eyes were like some black hole that I knew I should stay away from, but would end up sucking me in anyways. And then he laughed. I wasn’t sure if it was really him or if I just imagined it, for his eyes seemed to hold no joy or laughter within them.
I looked around to see if there was anyone else that had noticed our little staring session, but everyone was too preoccupied with their own life to notice two teenagers looking at each other.
It was hard to tell how long we had been looking at one another. I was afraid to blink, thinking that when I opened my eyes that he wouldn’t have been really at all. For reasons unexplainable, he was the most gorgeous person I have ever seen. Maybe it was his pale skin, or his pitch black hair, or even just the shape of his face. But no. It was his eyes that held me captive.
I was tempted to look down at my watch, but removing my eyes from his seemed like a death somehow. A dilemma was running through my mind, and I heard him laugh again.
This time I could tell it was really him. The joy leaked into his eyes, like the sun on a cloudy day. Slowly but surly. I felt my heart skip a beat as he took a steep forward. This was the first movement either of us had made. I tried to step backwards, but my feet were glued to the floor. I was trapped.
He laughed once more, the joy and laughter flooding into his eyes. I couldn’t help but smiled, no matter how much I feared for my life. I bit my lip as it curled into a simple smile. I wasn’t paying much attention to anything for a moment, so when I looked up, there he was right in front of me.
It was at this moment that I realized that I had just been staring at him for no apparent reason. He probably wanted to come over and ask me what my problem was, then again, I could just as simply ask him the same. Maybe he wasn’t here to accuse me.
He didn’t say a word. For a while I thought he might be a mute. Then again he might not even want to talk to me. Maybe he just came over to see what would happen, see if I would say anything. But I wasn’t going to say a word til he did.
I was so happy that Willaim worked the night shift, so when he got home would go straight to sleep, not bothering to check for me. I was so happy for that. I could be gone for an extra three hours and he wouldn't know, and even if he did, I would tell him that I was touring the city.
"Andromeda," I said, sticking my hand out. He looked down at it and then at me almost as if he didn’t know what to do. I smiled and bit my lip once more.
"Jamison," he said, shaking my hand. His hands were like ice; then again, I'm sure I was simply an ice cube.
Neither one of us said a word, nor did we let go of one another's hands. It felt so weird, as if the world had stopped just for this awkward moment. I was tempted to look and see if the world really had stopped, but his eyes were what still kept me imprisoned.
I was biting my lip so hard that I wasn’t surprised when it started bleeding. I licked my lips, thinking nothing of it. But Jamison's eyes had grown wide. More blood was realized from my thin lips, but I didn’t lick it away.
Jamison seemed to be struggling with something. I wasn’t sure what would have caused his eyes to go wide, or for him to start fidgeting. He lifted his hand and wiped my lip of blood. He put his finger in his mouth, enjoying the savoring taste.
Now my eyes had turned wide, and I didn’t know what to say. He looked like the world was ending, and I felt horrid, even though I didn’t do a thing. More blood tricked down my lip, I reluctantly licked it away, half wanting to feel the smoothness of his skin upon my lip once more.
"I'm sorry," I heard him whisper. I wasn’t really sure if he was talking to me; his eyes were everywhere but on me.
"F—for what?" I choked out. Maybe he would explain something to me.
"For being what I am." And then I had to sneeze. At the worst moment possible I had to sneeze! I removed my hand from his, and sneezed, causing my eyes to close. When I opened them he was no where in sight and I felt lost.
Thanks once more for any help that you might offer me! <3
What you have here is... odd. I have to ask you what the message is. I think it might really inflict a strong emotion on the reader if you make it clearer. There are some typos and minor errors, but a beta can fix this. However, there was a part that confused me. I had to read it 3 times to figure it out:
QUOTE
I was so happy that Willaim worked the night shift, so when he got home would go straight to sleep, not bothering to check for me. I was so happy for that. I could be gone for an extra three hours and he wouldn't know, and even if he did, I would tell him that I was touring the city.
It's just that you go from the other guy to William not being there too abruptly. Also, I thought she wasn't going to say a word before him and she introduced first.
I have to say that what I understood from this is that this Jamison man was sorry for being gorgeous?! :ehh: Is he a veela-guy? :laugh: Andromeda seemed to be so mesmerized. I think that you put enough emphasis on the whole stare-fest thing, so if that was the point, good job. I'm not sure what else to say, so if you have questions, ask away.
Group: Ravenclaw
Posts: 690
Member No.: 131
Joined: 5-September 06
Wow, it was good. Was Jamison a vampire? That would a- explain your username and b- explain the blood. It not only captivated Andromeda, it captivated me.
I agree with Lyn though, the William bit was a little fast paced and confusing. But it was good, and I say it'd make a good first chap for a story. :)
Group: Ravenclaw
Posts: 326
Member No.: 143
Joined: 7-October 06
That was great! I just think that you need to include William a bit more, but that would make a great story. There were so many great lines in there, that just had great descriptive words.
If this is ever made in to a story on HPFF, then I'll gladly make a banner for it if you need one! :P
Help needed over here! Please!, I've got a hot guy here!
