EDUARD HEIR’S TEN MAJOR TIPS TO INSULTING OTHER AMBASSADORS AND THEIR SOOTY MOTHERS
A brief guide to the depths of indecorum!
Written by the Private Consultant to the Permanent Glen-Rhodes Mission, Eduard Faustus Heir, Esq., BA, DCL, DLitt,
It has come to my attention that ambassadors have been increasingly inadept at showing discourteousness, vexing or humiliating other ambassadors. At one time this nuciferous assembly housed some of the greatest artists of incivility but this incivility has fallen to the wayside with the noxious emergence of “decorum”.
Having grown up in the confrontational schoolyards and orphanages of Austaria, I know the ins and outs of verbal rough-housing, the merits of confrontation and its applicability to the World Assembly.
Politics is a seething strategic game for power and being right is power in the World Assembly; but when you’re not right, debasement and aggravation serves as a suitable substitute and besides, even when you are right, nothing chases rightness down better than a breath of fresh discourtesy.
Yours with my tongue in your mother's cheek,
- My first and foremost tip to aggravating other ambassadors: be yourself.
- An insult should have a purpose or serve multiple purposes in and of itself if you are as shrewd as me. For example, you may insult to enrage, distract, belittle or demonstrate your intellectual superiority or a combination of the four simultaneously.
- An alliteration is a common way to enhance the effectiveness of an insult; for example, you sir are a garrulous gallinipper, or a scorbutic shoeblack, pubescent primate 1. or rancid residuum. I recommend using consonants for your alliterative insults. 2.
- Always be aware of the words that one uses in an insult; for example, the word, “garrulous”, as my dictionary indicates, is of special usage: “A child is talkative; a lively woman is loquacious; an old man in his dotage is garrulous” 3.. You would feel rather silly if you were corrected having called the shrillest of female cockalorums or self-important wretches, garrulous when you really meant loquacious. Likewise you should always pay close to attention to your opponent’s words with the hopes of correcting and humiliating them.
- Never explain an insult to the victim, unless you are writing an introduction to verbal confrontation – then it is perfectly acceptable.
- “Your mommas” jokes are as old as your mother’s sagging bosom; use them wisely and –I speak here from experience– refrain from using these types of jokes when (1) you have actually had intercourse with their mother, (2) you may incidentally be the victim’s father, (3) the victim’s stupidity renders you unsure whether they could be someone’s biological offspring or if they’re simply the unfortunate product of a poorly-conducted scientific experiment – you wouldn’t want to look insensitive, would you?
- Insulting and being negative in general should be done in a manner similar to that of jujutsu: use your opponent’s rage and power against them. Hammer on your opponent till they retaliate, then criticize them for being too negative or aggressive.
- When someone insults you in a debate, simply use the old phrase: attack the position, not the person. When someone uses that defense when you insult them or attack them verbally, simply respond by noting that the position is the product of a person – a person’s motivation and character thus must be questioned.
- The truth can infuriate but the truth may not always be on your side; likewise complete lies rarely infuriate. But half-truths can always be relied upon for optimal irritation.
- If you are going to put this knowledge to good (or bad?) use, I recommend wearing a wet-suit and a flotation device as I do when visiting the hallowed halls or the festering snakepit – The Vastiva Memorial Reflecting Pool is chilly this time of year and there are frankly too many windows made accessible for irritated ambassadors.
1. I offer the word, “primate” as proof that evolution is real: a word once reserved to describe an archbishop of the church has evolved to mean a class of anthropoids and prosimians.
2. You can remember this tip by using my handy saying: vowels rhymes with bowels.
3. An excerpt from one my dictionaries of choice, N. Webster, C. A. Goodrich, and J. Walker, A Pronouncing and Defining Dictionary of the English Language: Abridged from Webster's American Dictionary, with Numerous Synonyms, Carefully Discriminated (Paternoster Row: Warwick House, 1856), 179.