Diary of Emotions, Secret feelings

I feel this sort of charm. It is in this order:

A dawn of realisation, with a wild surge of happiness that last for days. Mind constantly full, but hush, a word I did not say. Appearing calm and 'just happy' on the outside, inside 'turbulently insecure' and 'clinging on other than that'.

I feel pickled, pricked and shodden. Not making any sense, yet could be of tiredness that plays tricks. I feel distanced, angsty and a mask of pretense. Dark, void, unable to explain, I'll just be content; drowned in current bliss.

Another side wanted to tell, but then thought it was too much; forbidden. The other party might get the wrong idea and ruinition is not my goal. I just feel a twinge of sadness that will be buried, because it's a normal feeling without worry. I held my hand out and grasped.

I found it. I found you.

Moved it to 'Writings' since it has nothing to do with online games.

Ganbare~ X3

Oh, er... thanks! ^^'

I'm feeling much happier now; feeling a wave of flush rosiness wash over me; the pink tinge of upraising confidence!

Sorry for the long brooding inactivity. I'm here to confess my sins!!! @_@ no, I'm serious.

I wish I'd stop thinking of how Dan is doing. That boy caused me some mental problems! First, he's living a not-so-great life, grandma's dying, refuse to go to hospital when his life is threatened e.g. in a motor accident and drowning himself with 5 different party pills. He's not controlling his emotions well, get in fights, pick fights and says he wish people who'd just looking for trouble would leave him alone.

Now, I'm hoping he's not drunk, cuz he doesn't know where he is. And I'm texting him to somehow guide him home... if that's even possible.

Moving on to the next topic. Really now, I gotta be more careful with what I'm doing. Don't wanna get a piece of flesh off and forgot how I did that. It's healing rather nicely, thank you very much. And I gotta be careful who I talk to and who I forge friendships and relationships with. I put God as the ultimate relationship tie-breaker, but a certain someone comes so close, second to Him.

Message alert!: I'm now at a paddick with fences - Dan.

Gee, I bet he doesn't even remember how he got there. If he's drunk, I'm gonna smack him upside-down. I don't even know what 'paddick' is. When I read the word, a vast wheat farmland comes into mind... but uhhh..

Back to my sins.. I gotta be under control of my temptations! sighs. I wanna drive them away with a mighty sweep of a magic wand, but Jesus has done that already. Just gotta keep the grit going.

Did I mention I wanna kick some guys' ass? He doesn't get it, maybe I should just tell him straight up... but then its rather vague. Okay, no jumping to conclusions.

Message alert!: He's really at some sort of farm.

Oh dear.

Oh no, wait.

Oh, good.

He's at his friend's place now.

What a cause of worry.

FREAK! I MEAN WHAT THE HECK?!

So what if I'm not following the rules sometimes. I don't bend the rules often. And people do get serious and more mature when they grow older... and I know following a certain set of rules allows more fluidity in a community and it does keep us civilised and the time we can only swear is when we're role-playing.

I don't like hearing the 'effing' word, but I do more often than I wanted to.

Let's check-off the list to why I'm moody:
= hmm... stuff
= family
= stupid me
= lazy me
= undisciplined me
= procrastinating me
= unidentified accents
= stupid people
= under secrecy
= hate being ignored (who would like it)

And might I have you know that if I'm addressing my own problem, it IS my problem and don't compare to everyone else who had the same problem. Don't try to clump it all together as if my problem is the same and in the 'one of those' category. What right do you have to say that? I personally agree that some people are going through worse situations, or even the same problem, but heck! I'm trying to tell you about what's bothering me, so just listen, will ya'?

Jeez! Don't try to pacify my emotions by neutralising my fears. I fear because my fear is real. Ask me how I am instead of saying "everyone goes through this phase" etc. It is not flipping normal if my parents are going through a separation. Who the heck are you to say that, huh?! Nor to imply that?

I need concern and encouragement and support. Please... we need better communication.




Okay ^^ (I'm feeling so much better) Off to church tomorrow. I really am feeling so much better.

Byeeee~

Before I take my rage out of you puny, non-deserving people (what I meant is that I shouldn't snap at the people who are conveniently there), I'm gonna GROWL into this writing area just for me.

I said I was going to church today, ay? I didn't.

Nay, it's not because I like wagging church, it's cuz I'm busy applying for Student Loans and Allowances and adult-stuff like that. I'm jsut feeling awfully mad all day. I'm like a trigger waiting to be set off inside, but I don't show it much outside. Even playing the piano in a tornado scene is not helping. I'm getting bored with my de-stressing options.

Hell hath no fury as boisterous as mine. Sure I'm having a hard time right now especially in my family, in my own messed-up mind and limp body. What the hell is everyone's problem? Oh, great. I've said the word 'hell'. It's not making me feel any better. So, I should stop saying that.

I ... I find RP-ing a way to vent out my turbulent confusion. SO, Win likes me and as he claimed, "Loved me." But I make damn sure for him to know that love from me is impossible. <.<

And for my parents. Mmhm. They're doing the best they can. So nyah. And I'm still a virgin, so haha to you Devil. Don't you dare bring me down with your seduction nor your promise of short-term benefits. My God is eternal and his promise is eternal and I believe He can help heal me inside.

I've been sexually harrassed before and I can't believe that happened to me then. But it did *says flatly* and I got through it with you, dear God. I was feeling so lost, so empty, so unbelievabl disorientated, but You filled me spiritually, and I love you.

Sighs.... Why am I feeling so indifferent now? Why am I showing my attitude towards my parents now? I'm a part in their change, I need to offer them practical support and do my part. I will take responsibility for the way I project myself towards them and other people.

I am not falsely advertising myself. I am transparent and I show my emotions. I do smile, I do laugh, and I'm not always angry, hurt or scared/insecure.

So, yea, don't judge me just through this. Know me by talking to me and being my friend. I would not turn you away. Don't make false judgments on me, because it hurts me to know that my weakness , my vulnerability is seen as it is meant... weak. Know that whoever who is going through life's challenges come out stronger and much wiser. Through pain and conflicts, you learn a lesson that you'll never ever forget. But on the brighter side, there's always room for improvement. :)

Siiiiiiigh... I was going to relate how delightful my birthday celebration was.. but my dad just had to chose that moment to 'spoke me' (his absolute favourite saying now) <.<

So, yea. Great for him to chose the right moment to stab something right into my heart of budding happiness. Maybe not natural happiness, but realistic contentment. I haven't felt such a nice feeling for a while, not after all that had happened.

Just great.

The only sound I hear is my protesting stomach and typing, plus a radio broadcastor speaking. WHat I felt overwhelms all that I'm hearing, such accusations. Do you know how I feel whenever anyone of my parents accuses me of being the trigger of every of their arguments? Huh? "Its all because of you." "It's all because of you."

Do you know the burden I had to carry? Yet I have to stay tough, hold strong, stand tall, look confident so that no one has to worry too much about me? I especially cannot let my juniors know how much pressure I'm in. I refuse to crumble under these circumstances.

No way!

I just realised the hurt I bear from family will never go away. Instead, it will remain raw, unbridled and sensitive to the touch. I cannot believe how blind I was then. How I never sense anything seriously wrong in my dysfunctional family. The hurt I bear will never go away unless I unclasped the protective hold and release the torment that I would possibly carry for the rest of my life. I have to learn how to address this.

Why am I hurting? Because I was forced to carry the lies that seem to be non-existent in the end? My mother's aloofness towards me, her jealousy towards me since God-knows-when? Am I hurting because I seemingly thought my dad's playing favourites - I usually win :P. No, this is no laughing matter. I cannot believe how women of the house would want undivided attention from the Head of the House.

This is plain ridiculous.

Our culture sucks. My culture sucks. But we're improving by integrating some Western rationality. Oooh, yea. But the Hollywood sex is a big DO-NOT-GO-THERE! Geez. Perturb, really.

I don't want to forget the pain I went through , so I can help others to go through it as well.

You know why the memories in Malaysia seemed to be a mere thought now? I must've been not very happy then to be able to push a big chunk of my secondary school years there into a tightly locked cabinet file in my head. But the general overview in my projectorial mind is that I was relatively happy there. I curse the opportunities I didn't have there. I wonder why am I not given better chances, more options, maybe a different present day situation.

Though, Shayla, I really apologise cuz I have not been RPing lately and that was meant to be MOMONSHI'S training ground. So, I'll back off. But really... if the main character is not driving the plot, it'll be ... it'll stop. Okay, okay. Patience, patience. I wouldn't mind killing off any of my characters if I see the story is not moving for lessee... one year. And you say it as if I cannot be appease by polite requests, Shayla. Well, I get your point. I'm flexible, bend at any way unless I find it awkward for me to.


Pssh! Never have I face so many challenges in my life. And you know what? It all happened in NZ. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the geographical location, I just feel thoughtful that major healing will start after I was saved by Christ last year. This is a good thing. My family will be happy again ^^

Most importantly, I won't lose my shining smile :)

I thank you for your concern. However, The Potion of Shiny Shine Shine is a training ground. I know Momonshi's probably too young to know how to take control, but that's what this training ground's for.

Matt and Guy are in the thread to provide her guidance or guidelines, as well as some comic relief. If you think I'm going to just sit there and watch Momonshi run amok, you're underestimating me. I created Pots so that she gets to interact with all kinds of characters, controlled by different RPers. Pots is meant to be both silly, simple and fun, as showed in some of my main posts.

Yes, I know recent events in NZ is probably difficult for you that my PM is a just small fry, probably not worth your tolerance. But as I've said in the PM, I don't like plot surprises in my thread, and I'd told you to discuss things with me beforehand because I was afraid it would clash with my ideas. I guess you've probably forgotten that because you'd pulled the Jub Shrub on me.

And now, I'm conflicted. Because I don't know if I should let it go or not. Asking you to delete your post would be cruel and a little waste. Letting it go again might invite continuous mistakes. I don't want to write another PM because I know I'd probably be a little harsh (or you'd probably misinterpret my words), and it would be like adding salt to your injuries and probably ruin your day, seeing how soft a crab's inside can be.

Yes, you said you're flexible and can bend at any way, but I don't want to bend you by force. For all I know, you've enough hands to help you bend.

Lol, you don't have to treat me like some fragile victim, dear. You can just go straight to the point instead of slapping your forehead. That gesture makes me feel 'uncomfortable' and is prone to make me think otherwise instead of comical effect. I've edited if you've noticed.

*hugs* you were just being an admin. No hard feelings.

I found a subtle genius in that white, hot hatred of yours...





You can use my ass as a hand-warmer.

You are freakin' kidding me!

Amy is going to carry out a dare by jumping off a 10-storey building into a rubbish bin. JC!! What the heck-hill is going on in her adolescent mind??? She's 19 by the way, but acts like a 3rd-grader. She's giving me a splitting headache. I would tell Dan. Her boyfriend who is a good friend of mine.

I have to tell, yet she doesn't want me to...

ARG.

For $1000... who is she kidding?

Goodbye

Suddenly, I feel so awful.. I guess people looking to you for counsel all the time can be stressful. Amy tried to kill herself again yesterday morning. Sigh, I feel so sad for her..

And today was just gloomy. I tried to motivate myself, be optimistic and I'm going to attend my friend's birthday tonight. Can't be sitting around thinking like I want to kill myself, eh? I wouldn't actually want to, but I've been having thoughts, such as:

Ways of Killing Myself or Maybe just Ways of Hurting Myself
1) Be as cheerful and normal as ever outside but rot secretly inside
2) Bash yourself constantly with negative feedback (pretty cruel I think)
3) Actually picking up something. Anything can be a weapon. To yourself that is.
4) Take on as many problems as possible through people's depression, them seeking you out for comfort and kill yourself softly by not being able to solve them.
5) Bottle everything inside
6) Turn on the shower to the hot, boiling water point and bath yourself in it.
7) Sleeping pills
8) Don't look while crossing a busy street
9) Starve
10) I don't wanna die...

Oh, dear. I've gone into this pathetic little tiraid about "ooooooOooo.. emo-stuff". I want to die, yet I don't want to. I have so many things to live for, I still have so many stuff to do for God, and by the way, you don't go to Heaven if you kill yourself. I hate Satan, he makes me hurt and think this way. I want to cry...

But I can't. Not now. When am I alone? When can I cry when nobody knows? When can I just sit there and do nothing, just thinking? Do I even have that sort of time?

Why? Why am I now? Why am I now thinking this? Why am I know thinking these maniacal thoughts? Too many things in my mind, too many fears, doubts..

Hope is not lost. There is still time. I am still needed. I need to live. I need to breathe, I need to survive. Nothing is too big for my God, nothing will be against me if I have faith in Him. I love Him.

I want to be able to receive love and not be wary or suspicious about it, because love is pure. Love is gentle, love is kind. Love is forgiveness.

There, there. :') I'm crying now. All will be well.

Death is naked before God, blameless.

I can't bring myself to cry..

I'm sorry.

Please don't ask.


Don't.

Leave.

I'm pretending. I don't feel the pain inside. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

God help me.