Diary of Emotions, Secret feelings

[Jubilee]

So freakishly tired. Tiiiiiiiired. Tired, tired, tired!

*slaps self awake*

[Jubilee]

I'm despising the university busyness now. I actually need a longer break. But then I don't wanna miss out the fun social activities as well as studies.

My time management skills are eroding away @.@ help.

[Jubilee]

When life seems tough, I hang on tightly to the Lord.
When my mind strays far away, my instincts jump to God.
When I'm thinking of external pleasures and how I've been tempted,
Unfortunately,
I fell.

I've tasted something as yummy as sin, and for that brief moment
It seems worth it.
Is one tiny speck of pleasure as gratifying as the reward at the end?
Disillusioned, I fell deeper...

But one day, I managed to pull back;
But then the lion temps couldn't be kept in the cages for long.
I was goaded, persuaded and led;
And I followed to the edge of the cliff.

And I fell Big Time.

The touches were hard to erase and each imprint
Seems to stay on my skin,
And in my mind.
The more I think, the more I hurt,
The more I ache, the more dirt I gather.

They always say "let time heal",
but time can heal only so much;
Scars are permanent.

That scar was deep, and I realised
I cannot stand the displays of couple affections near me,
I cannot fathom how I could be in my ideal of relationships;
I reek of despair.

But then I remembered the Lord heals, and
He has things far better for me in life:
Plans that are good and not to harm me.

I regained my strength.
When the mirror breaks,
I know not to pick the pieces -
For if I did, then I would hurt myself more.

Now I leave them behind and it shall be thrown away.
Far away.
When life seems tough, I hang on tightly to the Lord.
When my mind strays far away, my instincts jump to God.

And I forgave the one who wronged me,
And I forgave myself - which was the hardest thing to do.

[Jubilee]

I think life without conflict is a sheer impossibility. However, God promised me a place where there will be no more tears, pain and death. Revelation 21:4: And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

When I feel hurt, I search for comfort in Your word, one that is true and everlasting. Psalm 119:50: This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.

When I open my mouth to utter words out from frustration, I have to stop myself and think whether this would benefit anyone.
Luke 12:12 - For the Holy Ghost shall teach you in the same hour what you ought to say.

There is a reason why conflicts are being put into my life so I shall endure and amidst my occasional deep feelings, I shall persevere because perseverance creates character and character, hope (Romans 5:3-4).

I have been quiet about my irritation on some things and chose to instead be patient and calm and tell myself that those people do not know what they are saying or maybe I need to think of ways to further improve the conversational level of openness between me and that person (and reduce the tension levels) and also to wait before blurting out some things I might regret later. When I type this paragraph out, it seems taxing and I wince at the thought of being a punching bag. But to be honest, in a positive spin, this is to better understand the other person, for me to learn how to be attentive to tone changes, body language and maintain eye contact at all times (so that I can better sense the changes in motion and not lash out unnecessarily; I do believe in standing up for one's self in a diplomatic way).

Patience is better than pride. As Proverbs say, through patience a ruler can be persuaded and a gentle tongue can break a bone; Patience is also one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Such a wonderful quality should be embodied and constantly meditated upon.

Last words: Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word of God.

I commit my life to you, Lord God, that it may be an honest testimony for you, that you may be merciful to me (and my family) and watch over me on this earth. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and I believe in His second coming. You are my wonderful Father, the one I can constantly turn to, the one that brings unadulterated joy into my life. I pray for truth and understanding of Your word. Give me boldness in spirit to take the first step, having been blessed by You.

I pray, right now, that I'm able to finish my tutorial work and get my head around to prioritising what I should do first: which is the more important to attend to.

And dear God, You are irreplaceable in my life. I don't know what I'll do without You. Thank you so much, so very much. Life seems fairer when You are around because Your promises are eternal.

I love You.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

[Jubilee]

I am frustrated. Frustrated, frustrated! I might die of frustration, oh wait, let's check out the exact meaning for frustration:

Frustration is an emotional response to circumstances where one is obstructed from arriving at a personal goal. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration. It is related to anger and disappointment. Sources of frustration may be internal or external. Internal sources of frustration involve personal deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations that prevent one from reaching a goal. - Wiki

Hmm... maybe I'm not frustrated.

I'm at a loss. Yeah, that sounds right. According to Wiki, it means:

Not sure; uncertain; lacking further ideas, direction, or ability.

Mmhm. As I browse for jobs (which I'm not sure why [okay, fine, maybe I want to know what I can make of my skill set]), I feel more and more helpless.

Okay, even so I have one part-time job with another one lined up in November, I still find myself worrying that no one will hire me as a graduate of Marketing and Information System. I feel like I need to upskill, to have more work experience under my belt, more confidence that I can definitely do it and somehow transfer that confidence across [so that they'll HIRE ME].

*breathes* I'm such a worrywart...

Worrier: thinks about unfortunate things that might happen

O.o

What if I was hired then? I should think of it that way. What if I'm so attractive (in my skill set) that people are just clamouring to give me the job? Yeah, that.

I still think a realistic view is needed.

I love working my brain, working my thinking skills especially when it comes to communicating with people (the verbal sense and perhaps through words, since I'm such a reader and writer). I love singing too. I always have this dream of having this beautiful voice and the passion just embodies my soul when I meant what I sing (which means singing for God, worshipping God on the Sabbath Day or for a more self-centered reason: having people compliment me after they hear my beautiful singing voice [heh]). I did not take vocal lessons, so I may not have the soulful R&B voice sported by many black singers or professional singers but I do know how to pitch it correctly - at least the song sounds in tune and I don't scream each word out when I open my mouth.

Ahem.

Why am I suddenly talking about singing? I guess it's because I'll be leading a song this Friday, and the song is by Hillsong 'Came to My Rescue'. Somehow when I think about this, I don't find it stressful. I'm doing this for free, and I'm not complaining about it.

However, this work is different from the work work. You're judged by the value they place on your weekly paycheck; the cold hard facts are that you're only worth that much. Only $73 per week after tax (part-time).

Hmmmm.... I think whatever comes my way, I'll go to God and do the best that I can despite what my brain might be telling me I'm not good enough. If I don't try, I'll never know right? The opportunity is right in front of me, and I should grab it! With both hands!

Hah!