I'm reposting it here because it makes me laugh. :lol
The STRIDER PLAYERS
STRIDER HIGH: CLASS OF '89
GRANDMASTER MEIO as PRINCIPAL MEIO
and special guest star
as THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT
plus other surprise guests!
Note: at the last minute, we were unable to secure Hiryu for his role in the play. Unconfirmed reports quote him as saying "You must be joking. I'd rather go ten rounds with Admiral Wilhelm then star in that piece of crap." right before he let go of his hang glider and landed on the back of a whale. But because our play is
so awesome incredibly great fun to watch a play, we'd like to believe he has more pressing business to attend to, like saving the world from a horrible alien conqueror or something. Sheena also proved to be unavailable.
Therefore, tonight the roles of Hiryu and Sheena will be played by Hinjo and Lexia. We apologize for any disappointment that
may will occur.
ACT 1: The New Kid
Strider High, main hallway. HINJO and KAIN are leaning up against a wall, watching the students going by.
HINJO: So I had Herzog Schlange on the ropes, right? I jumped up, then slammed the ball through the hoop and onto his stupid face.
KAIN: Whoa, I bet he was pissed.
HINJO: (laughs) Oh yeah.
LEXIA appears at that point. She comes up to HINJO and slides her arms around his waist.
LEXIA: Hey sexy.
HINJO: It's not the car, it's the babe! All right!
KAIN rolls his eyes at that. Just then, MATIC, the school bully, appears. KAIN backs up slightly as MATIC moves toward HINJO.
MATIC: Hey dumbass, give me your lunch money.
HINJO: But I need it! To eat with!
MATIC: Just shut up and give it to me before I shove a Cypher so far up your ass that you'll be shitting plasma for a week!
HINJO meekly gives MATIC his lunch money. MATIC laughs in his face and smacks LEXIA on the behind as he walks away.
MATIC: You and me later on, sweet cheeks.
LEXIA flips MATIC the bird as he walks away, laughing. She then turns on HINJO.
LEXIA: You know, you used to stand up to that bully all the time. What happened to you? What happened to the man I fell in love with?
HINJO: Part of me died the day... in gym class... (sob) when Ryuzaki pulled that stunt on me...
KAIN: They say that because of what Ryuzaki did, he's afraid of butter knives now.
HINJO glares at KAIN.
HINJO: Some friend you are!
KAIN ignores HINJO, pressing on.
KAIN: They also say he has to spread his peanut butter with a spoon.
HINJO: (red faced) Shut up! Just shut up!
HINJO's eyes begin to tear up. LEXIA turns to HINJO, shaking her head.
LEXIA: (whispering) Live for me. Don't die, Strider.
KAIN rolls his eyes again. He's suddenly distracted by a horde of screaming girls, running down the hallway.
KAIN: The hell?
HINJO: (drying his eyes) Babe? You know anything about this?
LEXIA sighs heavily.
LEXIA: It must be that new kid. He's all I've heard about from the girls today. He's supposed to be some super-sexy stud or something.
Suddenly a mob of screaming girls emerges from the hallway next to them. In the middle of the mob is a boy dressed in a white jumpsuit, his black hair up in a high ponytail. His name is HIEN, and he's a recent transfer to Strider High.
HIEN: Okay ladies, step back and watch this!
The girls obediently move back as HIEN pulls out a Cypher. He begins a fantastic acrobatic routine, spinning his Cypher as he moves. The girls all shriek in delight.
GIRLS: WE LOVE YOU, HIEN! (more shrieking)
LEXIA: (suddenly flustered) Oh my.
HIEN leaps into the air, twirling and landing in front of LEXIA.
HIEN: Hi there.
LEXIA: (even more flustered) H-hi.
HIEN: From the moment I saw you, I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.
HINJO and KAIN can't believe what they're hearing.
HIEN: Excuse me guys, I'd like to have a talk with this lovely lady.
HIEN puts his arm around LEXIA. HINJO clenches his fists. But before he can do anything, a lilting falsetto fills the air. It's PRINCIPAL MEIO, who's come to see what all the commotion is about.
MEIO: Children, children! What is all the rumpus?
HIEN: Hello again, Principal Meio.
MEIO: Oh, hellll-ooooo, Hien.
MEIO looks down at the boy and girls standing in front of him.
MEIO: Oh, that is such a darling scarf you have there. You look good enough to eat!
LEXIA: Hello, Principal Meio.
MEIO: Oh, hi. So Hien, do you have any after school activities planned?
HIEN: Well, I'd thought about trying out for gymnastics.
MEIO: You'll love that. They have these lovely pink leotards that you'll look so good in!
HINJO and KAIN watch, slightly amused.
KAIN: Remember when you bet me five bucks that Principal Meio wasn't gay last year?
KAIN: Pay up.
HINJO sighs and hands KAIN a crumpled bill. MEIO turns to leave and sees HINJO and KAIN.
MEIO: Why hello boys! Oh Hinjo, I love how good your new silver gi looks. And the green insignia really brings out the color of your eyes.
HINJO: Thank you, sir.
MEIO: Well, I'm off. Toodles!
MEIO minces away. HINJO then turns his attention back to HIEN, who's involved in a deep conversation with LEXIA, who giggles every few seconds. HINJO's anger swiftly returns, but the more he watches HIEN, the more his anger is replaced with confusion.
A girl rounds the corner and walks up to KAIN. She sees HINJO and smiles shyly. Her name is TON POOH, and for years, she's harbored a crush on HINJO.
TON POOH: Hi Kain.
KAIN: Hey, Pooh.
TON POOH leans up against the wall. KAIN does a double take when he realizes that the lovestruck girl he sees batting her eyes at HINJO is the same headstrong, tough girl he's known all his life.
KAIN: Pooh? You okay? Something seems... different about you.
TON POOH: I had a chickfidication over summer break.
KAIN: Ouch. Sounds painful.
TON POOH: My mother wanted me to have it. She said I wasn't girly enough, that I should be more preoccupied with boys and fashion than kicking ass.
KAIN: That's just wrong.
HINJO turns, confused even more by the strange new feelings he's experiencing. He sees TON POOH for the first time.
HINJO: Oh, hey Pooh.
TON POOH: (sighs dreamily) Hi Hinjo.
HINJO: Uh, Pooh?
TON POOH: Yes?
HINJO: Are you okay?
TON POOH: I'm fine whenever you're around, Hinjo.
HINJO: Uh huh. You're not okay.
TON POOH: You're right. I'm not. Hinjo... I... I love you.
HINJO shakes his head and turns back to where HIEN and LEXIA are standing.
HINJO: Pooh, you know there's only one for me.
As TON POOH begins to cry, KAIN reaches out to console her. A vision of a shirtless HIEN appears in HINJO's mind. He twirls his cypher as he smiles.
VISION HIEN: Want to duel shirtless with me, my shaggy-haired love bunny?
HINJO's eyes go wide and he shakes his head quickly to lose the image.
HINJO: (muttering) I love Lexia... Lexia... Lexia...
HIEN turns and winks at HINJO.
Suddenly several voices can be heard coming from stage right.
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE #1: I will not go out there! This play is retarded!
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE #2: We paid you, you have a contract, now go! GO!
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE #1: Stop shoving!
Two sets of hands push an armored man out into the hallway. His blank faceplate swivels around. His name is SOLO, the new foreign exchange student, and he is looking over a script. HINJO seems relieved that he's there.
HINJO: Hi! You must be the new foreign exchange student!
SOLO: I'm not reading this crap.
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: YES YOU ARE!
HIEN and LEXIA walk up to SOLO as KAIN and TON POOH leave the hallway.
HIEN: The armor's a bit much. You hiding something, friend?
SOLO: Hello. I am Solo, the new foreign- this is ridiculous!
HINJO: (sotto voce) Just read your lines, would you?
SOLO sighs and folds his arms.
SOLO: Screw this. You can't pay me enough to do this. Who am I supposed to be, Fez from That '70s Show?
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: READ! YOUR! LINES!
SOLO: Fine. Hello. I am Solo, the new foreign exchange student from Kazakh. Can one of you teach me about girls?
HIEN: Friend, I've got you covered in that department. Stick with me and ignore loser boy there.
SOLO: Thank you very much. I cannot wait to... (looks toward stage right) what? What?
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: Say it with an accent. A funny accent!
SOLO: THAT IS IT! THE HELL WITH THIS!
SOLO's rail guns power up as his jet pack kicks on. As he rises into the air, missiles launch from his guns. Shouting incoherently, he opens fire, targeting anything in sight.
SOLO: DIE! DIE! EVERYBODY DIE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Everybody screams and runs as SOLO destroys the set. The curtain comes crashing down, then bursts into flames.
-END ACT 1-
ACT 2: Rival Schools Divided By Fate
Smoke drifts up from the destroyed stage. Lockers are riddled with bullet holes, the smashed water fountain is spewing like an out-of-control geyser, and fire-blackened piles of rubble lie all over the floor. One of the piles of rubble shakes slightly. With a groan, HINJO pushes his way out of the wreckage, having finally regained consciousness after being struck on the head by a falling ceiling tile.
HINJO: (wincing) My head... man, what kind of crazy dream was that? Matic spraying graffiti in my face, l33tsp34k... I don't have a purse...
Another pile of rubble shakes, and HIEN pops out of it. His uniform has been torn in several strategic places. HINJO swallows at the sight, then closes his eyes.
HINJO: Lexia... Lexia... Lexia... (realization dawns on his face) Hey... where is Lexia? LEXIA?!
LEXIA emerges from underneath HIEN, a blissful look on her face.
LEXIA: Hien shielded me with his body when the ceiling collapsed. (swooning) What a man...
HIEN: Been a while since you've felt this way, eh beautiful? Not like anyone else here can measure up.
HINJO: Bite me.
HIEN: You'd love that, wouldn't you? (winks)
HINJO shudders. Before he has a chance to retort, PRINCIPAL MEIO appears.
MEIO: Oh no! Hien! Hinjo! My darling boys!
MEIO catches sight of HIEN's torn uniform. He rushes over to attend to him.
MEIO: (practically crying) Are you all right, Hien? Do you need medical help? Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? (beat) A proctologist?
HIEN: I'm fine, Principal Meio. But you may want to tend to loser boy over there. He looks to be in pretty bad shape.
MEIO turns to HINJO and immediately begins fussing over him. HINJO does his best to push MEIO away.
MEIO: Oh, my dear Hinjo!
HINJO: (very uncomfortable) I'm fine. Really.
MEIO: We need to get that jumpsuit off of you! You might be badly injured.
HINJO: (panicking) No, really! I'm fine!
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: You at it again, Meio?
MEIO spins in place. When he sees who had spoken to him, his face lights up.
MEIO: Mmmmm, hi there, Jack.
A well-dressed man steps out from offstage, accompanied by three teenagers. They are the principal and students from one of Strider High's rival schools, Osman/Cannon Dancer High: PRINCIPAL REYSSON, KIRIN, WILLF and TIANON. When HINJO sees KIRIN, he groans aloud.
HINJO: Geez, as if today didn't already suck bad enough.
KIRIN: Nice to see you too, Dildo.
HINJO: Go to hell!
WILLF: Shut up, Bingo.
HINJO flips WILLF the bird. Then he leans up against a locker as HIEN takes in the newcomers. HIEN frowns.
HIEN: So who are these clowns, anyway?
LEXIA: Strider High's worst nightmare. Our arch-rivals from Cannon Dancer High.
KIRIN notices HIEN for the first time. He chuckles.
KIRIN: Who the hell are you? Never seen you here before.
HIEN: Who am I? Your better, ponytail boy.
KIRIN: (snorts) You're one to talk about ponytails, Mr. Looks-like-a-girl.
HIEN glares at KIRIN.
HIEN: Want to step over here and say that?
KIRIN: Your funeral, girlyman.
REYSSON sees what's going on. He raises a hand in KIRIN's direction.
KIRIN: Fine. This loser wouldn't stand a chance against the best Osman High has to offer, anyway.
HINJO: (laughs) So which is it, anyway? Osman High or Cannon Dancer High? Can you guys make up your minds already?
TIANON: At least people don't confuse us with some guy from Lord of the Rings.
HINJO: Blow me, you scarf-slinging tramp.
KIRIN: How about you just shut the hell up before I tear your lungs out and show them to you?
REYSSON: How about all of you shut the hell up? (turns to MEIO) Meio, I heard about the little disaster that happened here, and I thought that we could give you a little... help.
WILLF: (chuckles) Yeah, help.
MEIO: Mmmm. How about we forget about this and you start showing off those fantastic abs? The kids would love to see what a great workout program can do for you.
HIEN: No thanks, already got that covered.
HIEN removes his damaged uniform top and starts flexing his muscles. LEXIA, MEIO, TIANON and HINJO are transfixed by the sight. HINJO realizes what he's doing and quickly shuts his eyes, muttering "boobies, boobies" as he does. REYSSON is not impressed.
REYSSON: I'm not impressed. You want to see a great set of muscles? (removing his coat and shirt) Try these on for size.
REYSSON begins flexing, showing off his nearly-sculpted physique. MEIO can't decide where to look first.
MEIO: Oh my. My my my my my my my. (starts clapping his hands in delight)
HIEN: Is that all you got, old man?
HIEN begins flexing his muscles again, this time posing like a Greek statue. KIRIN laughs.
KIRIN: Lame, cupcake. Very very lame.
KIRIN flexes and poses, his muscles rippling under his tank top. To MEIO's delight, REYSSON, HIEN and KIRIN are all posing now. MEIO discreetly places his hands over his crotch as his eyes roll back in his head.
MEIO: (voice higher-pitched than normal) Excuse me for a moment...
As MEIO runs off, he nearly bowls over KAIN, who had finally managed to dig himself out of the pile of rubble he and TON POOH were trapped under. TON POOH is right behind him.
REYSSON: I'd better go check on him. He looked kind of uncomfortable. Kirin, remember: no trouble.
KIRIN: Yes sir, Principal Reysson.
REYSSON elbows his way past KAIN and TON POOH. When KAIN realizes who's there in the hallway, he grumbles.
KAIN: Great. Not these losers again.
WILLF bends over and pats his behind.
WILLF: Kiss this, you Strider douchebag.
KAIN: Why don't you go do some more cannon dancing, fruitcake?
WILLF: Why don't you go sit on a Cypher, blade end up?
As KAIN and WILLF continue to toss insults at each other, TIANON leans up against the wall. She stares longingly at KAIN. WILLF nudges TIANON with his elbow.
WILLF: Right, Tianon? Right?
TIANON ignores him, being too busy staring at KAIN, who is oblivious to her. TON POOH, meanwhile, glares at TIANON. TIANON is batting her super-beautiful purple eyes at KAIN while playing with her long golden hair.
TON POOH: (angrily) What the hell are you doing here?
TIANON laughs, the musical sound of her voice making TON POOH even angrier.
TIANON: Helping your sorry Strider asses out, what does it look like?
TON POOH: It looks like you're making eyes at a Strider.
TIANON: Jealous much? Besides, I thought you had a crush on that loser Hinjo. So what if I want Kain?
TON POOH: (really angry now) How. Did. You. Know. That.
TIANON: (holds up a copy of the script) Because I can read. Duh.
TON POOH hauls off and slaps TIANON hard across the face.
TON POOH: Bitch!
TIANON turns her head to glare at TON POOH, an angry red welt appearing on her left cheek. Everyone else stops what they're doing as TIANON balls her hands into fists.
KIRIN: Tianon! Don't do it. You heard what Reysson said.
TIANON ignores him and pulls her fist back. Then HIEN steps between them.
HIEN: Ladies, ladies! There's no need to fight. Come here, bask in my glory.
TIANON groans, then shoves HIEN out of the way and punches TON POOH, who stumbles backwards and hits the floor. As TON POOH starts crying, TIANON turns on HIEN.
TIANON: Why don't you shut up, you egotistic showoff?
As TON POOH sobs quietly, LEXIA steps up.
LEXIA: (muttering to herself) Damn chickfidication.
LEXIA then punches TIANON in the gut without warning. As TIANON doubles over, WILLF steps forward and snatches LEXIA by the hair. LEXIA shrieks as WILLF gives her hair a tug.
HINJO: Let her go!
WILLF: Or what, wuss?
WILLF lets LEXIA go as KAIN elbows him in the head. WILLF falls to his knees, dazed.
KIRIN throws a punch at KAIN, only to be blocked by HIEN.
HIEN: You want to go, rat-tail boy? Let's do it.
HINJO: Uh, guys? What about what Reysson said again?
KIRIN: Fuck Reysson. It's on.
A massive fight breaks out in the hallway, the only two not fighting being HINJO and TON POOH. HINJO ducks down next to TON POOH.
HINJO: You okay?
TON POOH: (still in pain, but enthralled that HINJO's next to her) Yeah...
KAIN slams into the wall next to HINJO. As he recovers from the blow, he turns to HINJO.
KAIN: Come on, damn it! Help us out here!
That's all KAIN can say before WILLF grabs him and hauls him back into the fray. HINJO looks up, seeing KIRIN and HIEN facing off and LEXIA wrestling on the floor with TIANON.
HINJO: (looking at LEXIA and TIANON) Wow. You can almost hear the two of them hissing at each other.
KAIN and WILLF both slam into HINJO, knocking him to the floor. TON POOH shrieks and jumps up.
KAIN: (strangled) Come... on! Both *ack*...
KIRIN and HIEN stumble over WILLF, causing him to lose his grip on KAIN. KAIN coughs.
HINJO: I can't. Not after what Ryuzaki-
KAIN: Damn it, Hinjo! Let it go!
HINJO's eyes begin to tear up as he remembers what Ryuzaki did to him that day.
HINJO: But... but...
WILLF throws a punch at KAIN, who dodges. WILLF hits HINJO instead, knocking him cold.
TON POOH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TON POOH throws herself over HINJO's prostrate form and continues to cry as the fight continues. KIRIN and HIEN are grappling each other, neither gaining or losing ground.
KIRIN: Why don't you *urf* fight like a man, dickwad?
HIEN: Why don't *argh* you, bitchboy?
Meanwhile, TIANON and LEXIA's catfight continues. LEXIA has managed to tear TIANON's tunic off, exposing her sports bra. TIANON, meanwhile, has left several bloody scratches on LEXIA's face.
LEXIA: (screaming) BITCH!
LEXIA grabs a hank of TIANON's hair and pulls as hard as she can. TIANON screams and grabs LEXIA's hair.
TIANON: (screaming) SLUT!
The sound of glass breaking stops the fight cold. As the assembled students of Strider High and Osman/Cannon Dancer High stop fighting and look in the direction of the sound, they can see who caused it. Three teenagers - two boys, one girl, all wearing jumpsuits - are standing there, fresh and looking ready to fight.
HIEN: (puzzled) Now who the hell are these people?
KIRIN: Oh no. Not them.
KAIN: Great, they're the last thing we need right now.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE #1: This is just perfect. We can wipe out all of these assholes in one strike!
UNIDENTIFIED MALE #2: I've been waiting a long time for this.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: LET'S RUMBLE!
As the three teenagers charge the assembled group, HIEN stands straight up.
HIEN: Well? (assumes a fighting stance) Who are they?
LEXIA: (shouting) The jerkoffs from Run Saber Tech!
-END ACT 2-
ACT 3: All Sons of Old Gods, DIET!
The three teenagers each pick their targets and attack. LEXIA blocks an attack from the girl, deflecting her punch towards TIANON. TIANON blocks it.
TIANON: Sheena. Didn't I kick your ass badly enough the last time we fought?
LEXIA: Wait, I thought I was replacing Sheena in this play.
SHEENA: (throws another punch at LEXIA) I'm not that Strider wannabe. Can't you read?
LEXIA: (dodges, then flips through her copy of the script) Yes I can, and I see nothing that says you're not Sheena aside from this crap about Run Saber Tech.
SHEENA: Well, I'm not her. She's off doing important stuff like firing a machine gun in an opening sequence or something.
KAIN and WILLF both rush the first male, a teenager named ALLEN. ALLEN dodges their punches by flipping through the air. He lands behind WILLF and aims a sweep kick at his legs. WILLF goes tumbling as KAIN spins around.
Meanwhile, KIRIN and HIEN are each staring the other male down.
KIRIN: Some balls you have, Kurtz. No, wait. I mean you have no balls.
KURTZ: Says the ball-less wonder here. Takes one to know one, right?
HIEN: (blocks a punch from KURTZ, then blocks another) This is the best this "Run Saber Tech" has to offer? How pathetic.
KURTZ throws a punch at KIRIN, then suddenly swivels around, ducks, and punches HIEN in the nads. HIEN goes down, his hands over his crotch, a surprised look on his face.
KURTZ: Pathetic, huh? Your ass just got owned!
That's all KURTZ can say before KIRIN kicks him in the head. KURTZ goes flying, smacking right into KAIN. KAIN loses his balance and stumbles right into ALLEN. ALLEN lands on top of the unconscious HINJO, who stirs at the impact.
ALLEN scrambles back to his feet and charges the first person he sees. That, however, turns out to be TIANON. She snarls and buries a fist in his gut, only to be jumped from behind by SHEENA. ALLEN goes down, landing on top of TON POOH in the process.
HIEN staggers to his feet, still clutching his groin. He shakes his head and looks around for KURTZ. LEXIA is at his side in moments, since SHEENA and TIANON are occupied with each other and not her.
LEXIA: Hien? Are you...?
HIEN: (high pitched) I'm fine.
KIRIN laughs as he punches KAIN, who stumbles backwards and lands on HINJO.
KIRIN: (laughing) Now you also sound like a girl! It compliments the look!
HIEN snarls and jumps toward KIRIN, only to be met halfway by ALLEN. KURTZ, meanwhile, is fighting with WILLF. HINJO groans as KAIN rolls off of him.
HINJO: My head...
KAIN: Hinjo, you've got to get up. Those Run Saber jackasses attacked us while you were out cold! It's chaos here!
HINJO: (shaking his head) What?
HINJO lifts his head up, then immediately ducks as TIANON is thrown over him. SHEENA jumps over HINJO, intent on beating TIANON to a pulp.
HINJO: Oh man...
KAIN: I'll wake up Pooh. You do something about this!
HINJO: But... but...
KAIN doesn't respond, having moved on to TON POOH, who is slowly waking. HINJO starts to get up, only to be hauled to his feet by KIRIN.
KIRIN: All right, you Strider loser. I'm going to-
He never finishes his sentence, because at that moment LEXIA tackles him from behind. KIRIN slams into the floor as LEXIA starts yanking his ponytail.
KIRIN: (shouting) Oww! Hey! Knock it off!
HIEN and ALLEN are exchanging blows. ALLEN grins as he sees HIEN wince every time he moves his legs the wrong way and the damage from his earlier injury is felt.
ALLEN: See what happens when you side with these assholes? You should have come to our school instead.
HIEN: I didn't even know your school existed until five minutes ago!
ALLEN: Really? Well, maybe there's still time for you.
ALLEN pulls a brochure entitled "Run Saber Tech: Courses & Opportunities" out of his jumpsuit. He opens it up and shows it to a slightly puzzled HIEN.
Meanwhile, KAIN has successfully managed to wake TON POOH. She stands up shakily and watches the chaos unfolding all around her. HINJO moves around until his back is to the door.
HINJO: Um, everyone? Can I have your attention please?
The fights continue unabated. Meanwhile, HIEN and ALLEN are going over a particular piece in the brochure.
ALLEN: ...and as you can see here, 90% of our graduates move on to highly paid positions in their chosen fields, compared to 70% from Strider High and 54% from Osman High.
HIEN: Why's the percentage from Osman High so low?
ALLEN: Let's face it, no one's heard of Osman High, or Cannon Dancer High or whatever they're calling it these days. It's pretty obscure, for a school.
HIEN: Like Run Saber Tech is any less obscure? I didn't see your school mentioned once in all of the research I did.
ALLEN: Impossible. We're the only one of our kind in our area!
HIEN: Still doesn't change the fact that no one's heard of you guys either! I mean, everyone's heard of Strider High. No one's heard of either of your schools!
ALLEN: I'd change my tune if I were you. We know things you Striders don't.
HIEN just rolls his eyes, then grabs the brochure, crumples it up and throws it in ALLEN's face. ALLEN turns several shades of red, then punches HIEN in the face. HIEN goes down. ALLEN jumps on top of him and starts swinging. HINJO, meanwhile, is still trying to restore order.
HINJO: If you guys stop fighting, we can have punch and pie!
KAIN shakes his head at HINJO's pathetic attempts to stop the fighting. TON POOH, meanwhile, has helped LEXIA pin KIRIN down, and both of them are pounding on the helpless Cannon Dancer. Behind them, WILLF and KURTZ are still pounding the snot out of each other. The mother of all catfights is going on off to their right between SHEENA and TIANON.
HINJO: Don't make me do something drastic! I'm warning you!
Everyone ignores HINJO. KAIN sighs.
HINJO: Uh... okay then! You're all asking for it! I mean it!
HINJO remains roundly ignored.
HINJO: Come on, please?
The fights slowly die down, and the combatants scramble to their feet and line up. HINJO smiles, pleased that he's been able to stop the fighting. This lasts for all of two seconds as he realizes someone is standing behind him. He turns to see PRINCIPAL BRUFORD of Run Saber Tech standing there, his arms crossed, a stern look on his face. HINJO meekly joins the others in the lineup.
BRUFORD: What in the name of Sir Isaac H. Newton is going on here?! Kurtz! Explain yourself!
KURTZ snaps to attention, followed by SHEENA and ALLEN.
BRUFORD: I said we were coming here to help, not start your ridiculous feud back up. What part of "help" didn't you understand?
ALLEN: Well sir, it's just that-
KURTZ: We were... that is-
SHEENA: We were just doing what this said! (holds up the script)
BRUFORD grabs the script and thumbs through it. His eyebrows rise.
BRUFORD: We'll see about this. All of you stay put. I'm going to get Meio and Reysson, then we'll see what the real story is here.
AS BRUFORD walks away, ALLEN lets out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. KURTZ glances at his two classmates, then looks at HIEN. He smirks.
KURTZ: You dumbasses are in for it now.
HIEN: Bite me, you dirty sheep fucker!
A sheep suddenly lands in the middle of the crowd, having come from seemingly out of nowhere. HIEN regards it curiously, alternating between looking at it and KURTZ.
HIEN: (puzzled) I know I just called you a sheep fucker, but this is just weird.
KURTZ glares at HIEN as KAIN facepalms.
KAIN: Great. This can only mean one thing.
MATIC drops down from the rafters. The sheep has time to bleat once before MATIC punts it into the stratosphere. MATIC then takes in the assembled group and sneers.
MATIC: I'm gone for an act and a half, and come back just to find this loser convention assembled? (sneers again) I think you'd all better give me your lunch money now.
MATIC turns to HINJO. HINJO glares at him.
MATIC: You first, pussweed.
HINJO: You took my lunch money a half hour ago.
MATIC: Then give me tomorrow's lunch money.
HINJO: (disbelieving) I don't even have it yet! What are you, stupid?
MATIC: Shut the hell up and fork it over anyway, loser.
Something snaps inside HINJO's head. He's finally had it with MATIC's bullying. His hands ball up into fists.
HINJO throws a punch that connects with MATIC's jaw. MATIC's head jerks to the left from the impact.
MATIC: (feeling a trickle of blood running out of the corner of his mouth) Wrong answer, dipshit.
Without warning, MATIC punches HINJO in the gut. As HINJO doubles over, MATIC kicks him toward KIRIN. HINJO slams into KIRIN, who stumbles backward.
KIRIN: Get off of me!
KIRIN launches a kick which connects with HINJO's chest and sends him flying toward KURTZ. Before HINJO can hit him, KURTZ throws a flurry of punches at the dazed Strider.
KURTZ: (punching) BACK OFF!
HINJO spins away, finally tipping over and landing on the floor with an audible thud. KAIN and TON POOH rush forward to their friend's aid.
KAIN: Hinjo? You okay, buddy?
TON POOH: (crying) Oh Hinjo! Please be okay!
HINJO: (dazed) Auntie Em, is that you?
Much to KAIN and TON POOH's surprise, HIEN reaches down and helps the dazed Strider to his feet.
HIEN: (noticing their curious glances, then shrugs) Eh, Lexia's got a soft spot for the dweeb.
MATIC laughs as he leans up against the wall. He pulls a banana out of his pocket, opens it and starts eating as HINJO slowly starts to come to his senses.
HINJO: (still dazed) I'm the strongest woman in the world.
KAIN's eyebrows shoot up at that. TON POOH looks at KAIN worriedly.
TON POOH: He may have taken a worse beating then we thought. Oh, my darling Hinjo! (starts sobbing)
TON POOH pulls HINJO close to her as he continues to babble.
HINJO: (babbling) It's the song and the war... now is time to again the fighting Scrambled Valkyrie...
KAIN: Hinjo! HINJO! You've got to snap out of it!
HINJO: (eyeballs rolling in his head) Shaving is boring!
KAIN looks at HIEN.
KAIN: Oh man. This is bad.
HINJO: John! The president's canary is being held hostage in Syria!
TON POOH starts running her hand through HINJO's hair.
HINJO: Crush out the crime! We're the supreme law!
The door suddenly opens. As everyone looks up, RYUZAKI enters the hallway. He glances around as he comes toward them.
RYUZAKI: Hey guys, I left my Attack Boots in my locker and I came back to- man, what happened here?
HINJO's nostrils flare at the sight of RYUZAKI. His fists clench. He snarls. RYUZAKI doesn't miss his movements.
HINJO: (angrily) YOU CANNOT STOP ME WITH PARAMECIUM ALONE!
RYUZAKI: Whoa, Hinjo. Easy boy. I just want my Attack Boots.
HINJO steps forward.
HINJO: (shouts) I AM ERROR!!!
With that, HINJO charges RYUZAKI. As he runs, MATIC throws the banana peel on the floor in front of him. HINJO's left foot lands right on it, and he's thrown off balance. His arms start pinwheeling as he begins to slide uncontrollably.
HINJO: (screaming) A WINNER IS YOU!!!
HINJO slides across the floor on the banana peel, slamming into the wall. The impact proves to be too much for him after the beating he took from MATIC, KIRIN and KURTZ, and he explodes into a crescent-shaped golden flash, accompanied by a warbling musical tone.
Everyone is shocked by the turn of events. TON POOH screams.
TON POOH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Silence. The only sound that can be heard is TON POOH's muted sobs.
KIRIN: (beat) Rumble on, Strider dude.
A few golden sparkles are all that mark HINJO's passing. TON POOH collapses in KAIN's arms, bawling like a baby. The combined students of the different schools look at each other in turn.
KAIN: How about we call a truce, huh?
KURTZ: Yeah, sure.
KAIN and HIEN turn on MATIC. On his face is a look of total innocence.
KAIN: I think we've had about enough of you, Matic. Don't you have a Zain terminal to tend to or something?
MATIC: (flips through the script, then shrugs) Whatever. Later, losers.
MATIC jumps out the window and is gone. Just then, MEIO, REYSSON and BRUFORD appear.
MEIO: All right, children! We can't leave you alone for five minutes, can we!
MEIO immediately realizes that HINJO is missing. He stops in his tracks.
MEIO: Where's Hinjo?
LEXIA, who up until now has been quiet, finally speaks.
LEXIA: (chokes back a sob) Principal Meio... I'm afraid that...
VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: (shouting) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MEIO spins around. He knows that voice. When he sees the speaker, he immediately straightens up.
MEIO: Superintendent Kuramoto! (nervously) What a surprise!
KURAMOTO: Save it, Meio. I got here as soon as I heard the news.
KURAMOTO looks around at all of the destruction, the battered students and the three very nervous principals.
KURAMOTO: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "Meio"?!
MEIO: (stammering) Why I, uh, have absolutely no, um... (shrugs)
KURAMOTO: And what else do I find? Students fighting each other! Students exploding! Sheep being kicked! And of course Reysson and Bruford are here too. Where else would they be?
REYSSON and BRUFORD stand ramrod straight, looking anywhere but at KURAMOTO. KURAMOTO walks up and down the line, glaring at each student and principal in turn.
KURAMOTO: Oh, I have had it; I have had it with this school, Meio! The low test scores, class after class of unruly teenagers, and now this disaster! There'd better be a good explanation for this.
KAIN: There is, sir.
KURAMOTO: (smiles) Ah, then I'm happy.
KURAMOTO turns and walks away, leaving a dumbfounded group of students and principals behind.
BRUFORD: Did he just say "students exploding"?
REYSSON: Yeah, I think so.
They both glanced at MEIO, who apparently missed that part of KURAMOTO's speech. He's busy looking for HINJO again.
MEIO: So where's Hinjo?
A faint gold sparkle flashes in the dying sunlight. RYUZAKI shrugs.
RYUZAKI: That sparkle there's all that's left of him.
MEIO's eyes grow wide. His mouth hangs open in disbelief.
MEIO: You mean he's...
KURTZ: Dueling with a legion of nimrods in the sky now.
MEIO chokes back a sob, then turns on REYSSON and BRUFORD.
MEIO: My darling boy Hinjo is dead, and this is all! Your! Fault!
REYSSON and BRUFORD: What?!
MEIO: You brought those punks here! If you'd both just stayed where you belong, Hinjo would still be here!
REYSSON: Now wait just a minute, Meio!
BRUFORD: This is as much your students' faults as ours!
As the principals continue to argue, a strange, stomping noise can suddenly be heard, faintly at first but growing louder by the second. HIEN and LEXIA exchange glances. KAIN, RYUZAKI, TON POOH, KIRIN, WILLF, TIANON, KURTZ, ALLEN and SHEENA all begin to look around nervously.
KAIN: ...the hell is that?
KIRIN: Whatever it is, it's not good, is it?
The stomping sound grows louder. HIEN takes the opportunity to go to the window that MATIC jumped out of. He sticks his head outside, then quickly pulls it back in.
HIEN: Uh, everyone? We're going to want to start running in about five seconds.
They're ignored by the bickering principals. KAIN and TON POOH start to edge their way to the door, followed by the rest of the students. The sound is deafening now, and is finally noticed by the principals.
BRUFORD: What the...
He never completes his sentence, for at that moment the far wall and ceiling collapse as a herd of stampeding brontosaurus crash into Strider High. On their backs, seated in makeshift leather saddles, are mohawked Amazon women, all shouting strange battle cries. Robot apes and mechanized tyrannosaur skeletons also smash their way through Strider High, demolishing the building as they go.
LEXIA: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
The students and principals run for their lives as Strider High is bulldozed by the rampaging dinosaurs and mechs. Within minutes, Strider High is a smashed heap of rubble. The Amazons herd their mounts onward, riding off into the sunset. The mechs follow closely behind.
All is quiet. Then, one by one, four people appear next to the ruins of the school, silhouetted by the setting sun, which swiftly dips below the horizon and disappears. Flashes of multicolored energy, vaguely resembling wings, can just be made out flickering away behind their backs as darkness descends.
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: It is done. Strider High is destroyed.
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: The students, scattered to the winds. Their rivals have scattered as well.
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #3: (looks up at the swiftly rising moon) We dove into this task with gusto, did we not?
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #4: Yes. And none of them shall suspect the real reason behind the school's destruction... until it's too late.
All four laugh together as the moon rises high into the sky.