Welcome on the clan forum SevenKillers

Sorry it took so long to do the revisions but I had a lot of work to do. This is everything that I want to do for this chapter. The editors can do whatever they want to it. I would like to do it a different way but this is fine as it is.

Revisions:
Changed names
Changed Spell Phases
Rewrote the dream scene

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The Peacekeeper Squad is sitting at a table in a private room at their headquarters of Beel S.T. Force.

Nika: (Walking In the room) We have been given our orders.
Taiki: Who are the unlucky people who are causing trouble?

Nika: (Sitting at the table) The village of Hiteke.
Kazuma: (cough)
Nika: You know of the place?
Kazuma: Well, I did talk to the Watcher Team and they told me all about it.

Ayumi: Yeah? How much did you have to pay them?
Kazuma: Nothing!
Ayumi: (loudly) So you beat it out of them!

Kazuma stands up and slams his hands on the table.

Taiki: Sit down!
Ayumi: (Sticks her tongue out at Kazuma and gives a mean look) He beat it out of them.

Kazuma clutches his fists and Taiki looks at his fiercely.

Kazuma: As I was saying, they told me about the village.

Beel Watcher character holding his hand out for money. With villagers with weapons by the mayor.

Kazuma: (caption) They didn’t pay their dues for protection.

Beel Watcher hiding in the shadows next to two villagers.

Villager 1: The mayor should kick the Spirit Keepers out!
Villager 2: Yeah! They haven’t done us any good.

Kazuma: (caption) Aggressive against us after all the enemies we protected them against.

Beel Watcher looking and hearing through a solid wall at a conference table of leaders.

Leader 1: We can’t have the Spirit Keepers finding our plot!
Mayor: We have to do something about our stash for when they come.
Leader 3: We have to be ready for them.

Kazuma: (Caption) Plotted to destroy us!

Back at the round table.

Taiki: They will be punished!
Other three (together): Our enemies have been judged!
Taiki: What is the order?
Other Three (together): Death!

Nika looks sad but the others fail to notice.

Saruwatari class doing school work. The other kids look at Saruwatari at times. After class Kojima meets him outside of class.

Kojima: Hey! How is it going!
Saruwatari: Good (fake smile)
Kojima: Come on I know you. Does this have to do with yesterday?
Saruwatari: I was out fishing.
Kojima: There aren’t any fishing holes around here.
Saruwatari: Err, did I say fishing, I meant training.
Kojima: You trained without me!
Saruwatari: No, no. I would never do that.

Saruwatari puts his arms around his shoulders and Kojima recognizes this pose.

Kojima: Fine! If you don’t want to talk to me about it then don’t lie to me!

Kojima storms off to class leaving Saruwatari looking sad after her.

Saruwatari: (Caption) I couldn’t tell her.

Flashback to Saruwatari at the village gates and all dialogue is in caption.

Saruwatari: I want to wait up and be normal some days or
Saruwatari: Leave this place and run until I can’t remember.
Saruwatari: (Saruwatari turns his back on the gate.) There are people that depend on me…

Back at the hallway with Saruwatari clenching his fists with arms at side.

Saruwatari: and I will give my all to protect them.

Saruwatari proceeds to walk after Kojima to their classroom. Once he gets there he sits down next to Kojima without a word.

Saruwatari and Kojima are sitting outside during lunch not talking to each other. Saruwatari finally gets the nerve to talk.

Saruwatari: Look Kojima, I’m sorry.
Kojima: About what?
Saruwatari: I’m an ass and I’m sorry.
Kojima: Yeah, tell me something I don’t know (looks away)
Saruwatari: That was cliché.

Kojima looks at him fiercely and Saruwatari holds his hands up in defense.

Saruwatari: Sorry, we were being serious and I ruined it.
Kojima: You know what? It is ok.
Saruwatari: Really?
Kojima: I don’t care much about your joking and avoiding the topic but I respect your decision.
Saruwatari: Thanks.
Kojima: …
Saruwatari: I know, we can talk about it any time.

Kojima looks at him again but with a softer tone than before.

Saruwatari: (Smiling) What? I read… stories about stuff too.
Kojima: I didn’t know you read those kind of stories.
Saruwatari: It was a phase.
Kojima: (Sarcastically) Right.

The other two Spirit Keepers walk up to the Saruwatari and Kojima. Saruwatari sees them as they get close and motions to Kojima.

Kojima: What is up?
Ishimaru: Training.

The Beel Spirit Keeper team are walking down a forest path.

Taiki: Watch yourself, these woods are dangerous.
Kazuma: Yeah, I wouldn’t want someone to pick up my large amount of cash.

A group of bandits jump out of the path holding their weapons out.

Ayumi: You dumbass!

Bandit Leader: Hand over your gold and weapons and you won’t be hurt.
Taiki: You don’t know who you are messing with.

The bandits look at each other and get in attack position.

Bandit Leader: (Points Finger) No, YOU don’t know who you are messing with.

Taiki stands his ground and the other three stand behind him so that there are no opening surrounding them.
Bandit Leader: That isn’t going to help you.
Bandit Leader: We have a lot more people so just give it up.
Bandit Leader: We will let you walk away from here.
Kazuma: You mean it?
Bandit Leader: Yeah.
Kazuma: I don’t believe you.
Bandit Leader: Why? I may rob people but I keep my word.
Kazuma: Why? Because it isn’t want I would do.

Kazuma: Bupa Datumo (holds his fists out)
Taiki: Cyhupa Dibavo (holds his hand in the direction of the Leader)
Ayumi: Fygica Qatido (Holds hands together with palm out)
Nika: Sogubi Zyhemi (closes eyes and has arms up towards the sky)

The soil launches Kazuma into the air and he jumps over to the nearest bandit and rips him in half then slams the halves into the bandits on the right and left.

The Bandit Leader heart explodes out of his body and a dark aura comes out of his body killing the others on that side. {Taiki attack}

Ayumi launches multiple fire shots from in front of her and hits the bandits in the chest blasting to the outside of their backs.

Nika creates a tidal wave in front of her that clashes into the bandits and drowns them.

After the bandits are killed Ayumi hears a sound and looks up.

Ayumi: Look out overhead!

The four look over head as fire arrows fall from the sky.

Nika: (screams) Aaaaah!

A water bubble shots out of Nika body blocking the arrows. Kazuma grabs Nika as she falls back and starts running while carrying her. The others follow as more arrows fall down.

Nika: (moans in pain)

Saruwatari is in his bed tossing around, the sheets in disarray. Saruwatari is then floating where his bed is and then his room vanishes. He is then floating in a planescape and opens his eyes.

Saruwatari: (confused) Where?

Saruwatari looks around him and then looks down and falls back. He lands on his feet and looks up and sees a girl floating above him.

Saruwatari: How did you get up there?
Girl: What do you mean? You are the one who is up.

Saruwatari falls down to where the girl is.

Saruwatari: Ooh! (while shaking himself off)

Saruwatari: Where is this?
Girl: This is my place.
Saruwatari: Yeah? But where is it?
Girl: If you don’t know then you can’t help me.

Saruwatari: Why would I help you?
Girl: Why would you not help me?

The girl pauses and puts her finger to her mouth, pondering something.

Girl: Will you be my friend?
Saruwatari: Sure!
Girl: (Claps hands) Thanks! It gets so lonely here.

Saruwatari: This is a dream (Saruwatari pinches himself)
Girl: (smiles) Maybe.

Girl: Will you remember me?
Saruwatari: Yeah!
Girl: (turns away) Liar!

Saruwatari wakes up in a sweat and hard knocking at his door.

Saruwatari mother: Saruwatari! Wake up! Your friend is here!
Saruwatari: Ok, mom! I’m getting ready.

Saruwatari gets up and goes to his dresser.

Saruwatari walks to the bottom of the stairs while still buttoning up his shirt. He sees Yoshikuni and pauses on the steps.

Yoshikuni: We have to go.
Saruwatari: Okay. Bye mom, I’m going on a trip with a group of friends.

Saruwatari and Yoshikuni walk out the door. Shows them walking around the town and enter a door enter an empty room with a plain table and the other two sitting down. There is a folder in the center.

Kojima: Let me guess, it is Saruwatari’s fault.
Yoshikuni: (nods)
Ishimaru: Well, lets get started shall we.

Yoshikuni and Saruwatari sit down at the two empty sits.

Ishimaru: Our contact at Hiteke has sent us a message about hostile activity from the Beel organization.
Saruwatari: What is new? They are always causing trouble.

Kojima: (glares at Saruwatari).
Ishimaru: Well, anyway. We are to go there and talk to the Beel group and work everything out.
Saruwatari: (Snorts) Sorry!
Ishimaru: Okay, if you make another distraction then you will wait outside.

Ishimaru: We leave as soon as we change and get our weapons.

The four stand at the gate, Kojima and Saruwatari facing the gate and Ishimaru and Yoshikuni who are facing the village buildings. They hold out their weapons and then put them away again. Silently, they walk towards and out the gate and start their journey.

The Beel group is standing over Nika by a stream in the forest.

Taiki: How is she?
Kazuma: She is going to be alright.
Taiki: Will she be ready?
Kazuma: Yeah, she has always been able to recover quickly.

Ayumi: How long much longer until we arrive?
Taiki: Two or three days.
Kazuma: Do you think they sent allies?
Ayumi: They wouldn’t be able to make it in time to be of any help.

Overhead image of the group zooming out and going over the forest to the village some ways from the when the forest ends in plains and some grains fields beside the village.

I like it a lot, but I have some suggestions and questions.

------In the four beel characters, I like them a lot, but I would suggest that in the scene where they fight, one of them doesn't fight...the reason for that would be that he knows that his group is powerful, and he, being the strongest out of the four beel characters knows that his teamates will make an easy job of the bandits. (By doing this, you don't show the reader everyone's strenght and ablilities at the beginning, and so when the time comes for this person to fight one of our main characters, we will wonder what kind of powers he has.)

------About the dream that Saruwatari has, I was wondering if this dream will have a further meaning, and if it does, what is it?
Maybe this girl in his dream is another spirit-keeper who uses her ability to speak to people when they sleep? (I don't know....I'm just wondering)

------One last thing, I think that it should be a bigger deal for Saruwatari and Kojima to leave on a mission. So when they leave, Saruwatari could tell his mom that he's leaving on a mission, and he could look a bit nervous or something... (Maybe it's not Saruwatari and Kojima's first mission.... )

Anyways these are just suggestions...and there's one question that does intrigue me.... Nice job!

1. I haven't thought of that and it is a really good idea. I wanted to end the battle quickly since the team had to get to the town to complete their mission. I always figured the leader to be equal to the others but I will think about this some more.

2. It does have some meaning and will part of an upcoming arc. I wanted to show a little of her at large intervals and leave the readers wondering who she is. Who is she? Oh yeah, I remember now. Yeah, her part in the upcoming arc may change before we get there so I don't want to do something that would force it one direction or another until she is completely figured out and the arc is agreed on.

Actually, she is based off of what Tom wanted the story to be about. We will just get to her a little later. It is really hard to explain the dream world but if you want to talk about it, we can do so by email or on MSN. I think I may have explained it to someone but I forget who it was.

3. Again, I wanted to get the teams out of the villages as soon as possible so further development was considered but never explored. I do feel as if I should rewrite everything and do it in a different fashion but I also feel that we should just get to the point of the mission and then explore the characters after the mission.

I don't know. After the arc is completed, I think it would be a good idea to evaluate the arc and point out what could be changed and what parts could be better. I was thinking about introducing the "bad" guy in the first chapter and after the first chapters leaving the character with the mystery of the arc. I feel it would be a bad thing and I also think that the arc should focus on one thing and introduce new elements slowly.



The first arc, I feel is more of an introduction of the world and characters. Now that I see it as that way, I know that it is a bad idea. The chapter should be rewrite and the arc thought out more. I have some ideas on how to do it but I don't really know how the organizations function.

* Are the organizations more military style with leaders that give out orders or are all the spirit keepers independent of one another?

I really like both ideas as they open up exciting adventures.

Actually, you answered some of my other questions, I just need to grok them into the story. I am developing something inside of my mind but unless I start writing and see where it takes me I won't know where to take it.

I'm going to rethink and explore the directions and see what I can write. Give me some more time since I'm really busy at the moment but I should be able to get something out in two weeks (or less). If you like, I can post each scene and you can critique each scene as I write it. After you are done with the suggestions I can keep rewriting the scene until it is perfect. It is really stressful to have to write a whole chapter just to have a new idea come up and have to change everything again.

* I don't think it is a good idea to explore the relationships of the characters.

The reason is that really it isn't my strength but writing it would improve my writing so maybe I should. Is the story about battle after battle until the conclusion or is the interacts between the of the two sides of Spirit keepers and the citizens to the Spirit Keepers.

I have a lot of ideas but I don't know where to put each of them. I think that exploring the interactions would make a good story, along with the battles but would it interest the reader? Well, I have already decided that the interactions would make a good story and further the deveopment of the two sides. It would make for a good arc.

The first volume could be about the interactions of the characters and the world they live in.

The second will change direction and be about the Spirit Keeper Organizations and tell a little bit more back story. Come to think of it, it would be the bond that ties the two volumes together. It may not interest the reader to know about the characters but it would tie in with the actions the characters take in the second volume.

Please note that when I say volume, I really mean saga or extended arc that will tie multiple smaller arcs into the overall theme and main idea.

I'm glad that you liked my ideas. And I can't wait to know more of the girl in the dream!

About the organizations...I think there should be both? I mean the main characters do receive orders, while some bad guys and other Spirit-Keepers decide to do what they want.

I dont think we should accentuate the Spirit-keepers' relashionships, but seeing that this is the first chapter, maybe we should talk about it more than we will in the futur...!?

I like that a lot! It should be very interresting if we give the characters some good backround stories and shocking facts about them or something like that!


Don't work on the script if you don't have the time....school comes first!!! lol...take your time.

I want to know more about the girl too but it will all come in time. I still don't know how she will fit into the story except for a few bits and pieces but where in the story they will come together is still up in the air. She is quite powerful so for now she will have to stay where she is. I have to give her a weakness so she doesn't just snap her fingers and make all the "bad people" go away. No, I think one dream per arc or volume will do just fine for now.

The Organations have already been decided and I switched them. You will find out why later on but I feel that the Beel group should have more power and influence. The reasons behind it is that it would make for a more interesting story if the good guys have to run from the "law."

There isn't much else for me to develop on, I couldn't really think of a way to develop the first major arc with battle after battle and the relationships and back stories will make a great transition to the next major arc.

I actually planned the first two and I'm starting the outline for the third volume. I have some ideas for the fourth and first volume. After the town battle arc and the training arc, I'm a little lost on where I should go but that will make for at least 40 chapters and probably another 3 or 4 chapters to finish the training arc which would put the manga up to 64 to 72 chapters for the first two arcs. The arc after will be more fighting for the Sera team against the Beel teams. I want the characters to leave the nest and explore the world finding clues about the past and clues about the girl in the dream.

Woo, I started the first chapter but it is quite difficult because I want to convey the emotions and actions of the characters in the first chapter. I believe that even through developing the first arc at a slow pace will put some people off, the volume after will totally blow them off their feets. At least that is what I'm aiming for.

I also like what Phil and you are doing with the characters. It is quite interesting and I want to put those ideas into the story the best way I can. Don't worry about school, I'm on top of everything and I will put the manga off to complete my homework. I'm certain that the way I'm doing things that it won't be terriblely hard to complete the scripts for the first volumes.

I just hope I will be able to fit everything in and not be too short or too long but I would rather be too long than too short.

I really like your ideas of the order in which everything is going to happen. And about the organizations, I do agree with you that the story should revolve on Beel and Serra, but I think we should also, maybe later on or something, include other organizations. Nyways I sent you the Backround stories for Kazuma and Taiki, and I said that before, there was a gang called "Black Star" and then the Beel gang sort of fused with them....I dont know if you like that, but I just thought it gave a history to the Beel gang.

Doing those backround stories and everything is so fun. I'll get started on the "hero/legend" character!

I thought the Black Star was a cool idea but I need more information on it. I know all about Beel and Sera because I created them myself. I may get on MSN later and we can talk about it. Next week is going to be a really busy week so I won't be able to get very much done with the story and web site.

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Oh yeah, I rewriting the Rituals and I want your input. I really liked what you wrote but it just doesn't seem right. What I wrote doesn't seem right either. I like the tournament idea so I'm going to include it in my draft. After I finish the draft, I will email the url to it. Ha ha, I think I kind of lost the mythism of what you wrote before and I want to get that back. Oh, just because something is on the web site doesn't mean it is offical.

I want to get the comments script up so that people can comment on the pages and so I can make changes. For now just email me for improvements.