The Hidden Files of Seth Selstrom

[seth sarcose selstrom]

Written in a little black book hidden away from the world are all of the things Seth doesn't tell the world. From musings about how to run the company to his untold emotions and thoughts; everything is here.

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Ever since Kartan was killed, the house has seemed empty. It's part of the reason I wanted to hurry up and replace him. Hell, it's the entire reason I wanted him replaced. If it weren't for the fact he saved my life, I probably wouldn't have even saved him from slavery. Part of me was surprised he stayed, even after I released him. I figured he would have jumped at the chance to be free. Instead, he stayed because he wanted to care for me.

When Casey was killed in that accident.....I didn't know what to do. I would have gone on a killing spree if it weren't for Kartan. I was convinced he was killed purposely. It was around the time we were getting famous. Someone wasn't happy we were getting all the money. If it weren't for Kartan holding me back......I would probably have killed until someone dealt with me.

Now that Kartan is dead, I feel lost. It was more than master and servant with us. Hell, it was more than friend. At first, I thought it was just a brotherly love......but I don't think so anymore. I mean...I've never felt particularly for anyone, male or female. I always just considered myself to be asexual. With Kartan though....it was much different. I mean...I know he felt for me. It was something he never talked about, but since we shared our thoughts and memories.....I knew different. At first, I was disgusted by it. That hurt him and his pain.....unlike others....It didn't satisfy me. I hurt me too.

That was when I first had suspicions. I think he knew too, it was why he stayed. Now that he's dead, it's not just the house that's empty....it's me. I'm so confused. I mean, I've met other vampires who slept with men....but it never really interested me. I thought maybe if I replaced him things would be better. Instead.....I'm not sure how I feel. I mean....it feels better but it's not the same.

I don't know what I'm going to do in truth. I'll probably end up burying myself in my work and avoiding the subject altogether. I know eventually I'll end up having to take care of it but for now....I'm fine with just ignoring it.

[seth sarcose selstrom]

Today, something happened. I was out training with Fenrir, testing his ability, and then he went sor tof crazed. Broke a couple of my ribs. They set already and are healing but they hurt like hell. Anyways, when I finally broke through to him, he freaked out. He said he wasn't worthy because he hurt me. I just told him he was stupid and that he was wrong. Then, I got kind of close. I wanted to kiss him. I actually wanted to kiss him!

I mean, I know I've kissed him before, but I thought that maybe it was left over feelings from Katarn. It wasn't though. I mean, I looked into Fenrir's eyes and I knew right then and there, I loved him. We kissed for a moment then he pulled away and started apologizing. Then, I kissed him deeper and then I started apologizing. I mean, I thought maybe he only did it because I was so close. But then, he said he loved me. I was so confused but I knew I loved him too.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I mean...I know....eventually I'm going to have to start the ceremony. Maybe I should at least start it now. He deserves it. Maybe that's my love speaking. I do think that he deserves it though. He's so much stronger than me. Well I don't mean physicaly though he is stronger than me there. I just mean he seems like he coul take so much more. I think I'm going to start the first stage soon. It will make him stronger. That way, he won't get hurt.