[tristan mark kensington]

TRISTAN KENSINGTON
SUCH PAIN AS THIS
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE EXPERIENCED
I'M STILL REELING FROM THE LOSS
STILL A BIT DELIRIOUS
- - - - -

Tristan never gave much thought to dates. It was never intended neglect on his part; he had yet to find someone worth the extended effort. None of the girls he'd accompanied over the past months seemed to care. Instead they seemed enthralled that he'd chosen to ask—more often than not, they asked him. He always kept conversation light and careless, straying from topics that would lend to any belief that the night would result in a future. The longest 'relationship' had lasted two months.

Despite any premeditation on his part, each date had flown together with practiced ease. He had never felt anxious prior to meeting any of them. Until now.

Running his slick palms through his hair, Tristan took a steadying breath. He wasn't nervous because it was a date or even because of who he was about to waste an afternoon with. His anxiety resulted from the knowledge that this wasn't a date, it was a funeral.

How did one go about preparing to mourn a friendship that had been dead for nearly a year? The fact that Cadence had agreed to his desperate plan still amazed him. Perhaps there was hope—if he could get her to see that together what they shared was better than the shadows of solitude… For Cadence, he would give up everything else. No one else had ever come close after. It was as though her face had repelled all others. None registered in his mind now, not when he had hers to compare against.

Still, Tristan had only ever been to one funeral for a distant aunt that he didn't care for. The home was painted light pastels and smelled of aged wood and too many flowers. Everyone looked somber and shook one another's hands with murmurs of what a wonderful life she'd led and how much they missed her. No one noticed Tristan when he wandered over and stared at the open casket. The waxy texture of the woman laying there caused the hair on his neck to stand with unease. "No offence," he'd whispered, "but I hope for your sake that they're lying—you had to have looked better alive." After that they had proceeded to the cemetery where Tristan had been required to throw a rose at the now-closed casket and look sad for the press. Then, they had made their way back to his house where Tristan had played video games with his cousins and the adults had discussed stock trends.

The only comparison Tristan wanted to make between today and that day were that they would resemble one another in name only.

Grabbing his leather jacket, Tristan left the door unlocked for Adrien, and made his way to the zoo.

It seemed like the perfect place to meet one another. There they would have the distraction of animals and excited children if things went the wrong way. Tristan was optimistic that they wouldn't require such distractions. He'd never had a failed date before.

His breath caught in his throat as he made out the slender frame of Cadence as she waited for him along a bench at the front entrance of the zoo. Even at a distance he knew it was her—Cadence always drew him toward her like a magnet. Running his hand over his clean-shaven face the doubts crept in.

While Tristan had never experienced a failed date, that was the only term he could associate with his only funeral. And this, he thought as he made his way to her, was definitely a funeral.

listening to: NEAR TO YOU , a fine frenzy

[cadence alexa roderick]

cadence roderick ,
we will find a new way
to become lost once again,
-----

This day had started out like any other. The sun had crept through the blinds of Cadence's apartment, streaking as colorful beams splayed across her blankets reminding her it was at last, time to rise. A few moments of silence passed before the girl finally swung her legs over the side of the bed, fully alert. Her crystalline eyes sought out the clock that hung askew on the wall opposite the windows. It was still early, the sun has barely begun to make its ascent but the girl had a feeling that no more sleep would come to her than already had. Hesitantly, she stood, striding over towards the small closet to pull out a worn cerulean vest to throw over the plaid button up and jeans she already had on. This in fact, was the second time she had risen since the night. Little sleep had been made available to her and she had been ready for hours. However, now as the time struck closer with each movement of the clock's hand, Cadence grew more anxious.

She threw another stray glance towards the clock. It's hands were nearing the twelve and before long there would be tolling of the castle's bells signifying the hour's change to nine. Cadence finally dropped her gaze to her hands, one of which was tightly clutching a crinkled photograph. She had been holding onto it without meaning to, without a reason. But here, she was alone and had no one to answer to. Unfurling her fingers, the faded photograph unwrinkled to show a familiar face and an unfamiliar one. The boy in the picture was smiling, his arms wrapped gently around a girl whose hands held up the red umbrella that shielded them from the relentless rain that seemed to pour all around the pair. Cadence felt a tug as she allowed her eyes to run across the smooth surface of the photograph, taking in the pure emotion that seemed to surge from its image. He looked happy then, the peaceful serenity existing in both the lines of his parted smile and in his deep chestnut eyes. They both appeared weightless, happy. As if every concern had been easily turned away with only a gentle smile from one another's grin. But the girl in the image, she was a stranger. The way her blue eyes sparkled even in the dim lighting and the way her soft lips hid a tranquil smile was almost unreal. The girl's thumb stroked gently against faded colors of photo. It had been taken right before they went to the pub for her eighteenth birthday dinner and now seemed a million years away. Cadence snapped herself from her reverie and placed the photograph gently atop her dresser and without a second glance, headed out the door.

Her feet carried her through the quiet streets of Colchester. She could see a few people were already up and about, on their way to do some grocery shopping or get their tires changed. A few kids pedaled past her, shouting out to one another about where to head after the library. But Cadence noticed nothing more of these occurrences, her mind instead resting on what today was. It was not meant to be a revival of anything, Cadence was certain that both she and Tristan knew this. It was a funeral and despite everything Cadence had sought to build, she had agreed to coming. She couldn't understand exactly why it was so difficult for her to say no. The way his eyes had pleaded with her, all words had escaped her mind and she had but little choice.

She was early, as she suspected she'd be and chose a bench near the front entrance where she'd be seen from afar. A hand slipped into her pocket, retrieving her cellphone which she powered on to see no messages had come since the last one conferring where they would meet. A sigh escaped her lips as she leaned back into the hard backing of the bench, her legs uncrossed and planted steadily on the cement. Suddenly, she was gripped with the urge to leave. She would call him, tell him something had come up but there was no doubt he would know. He, of all people, would know exactly what truth was woven through her lie. Shutting her eyes, she allowed her fingers to strum gently against the arm rest offered by the bench as a breeze whipped around her, sending her loose locks fluttering gently in the wind.

Her eyes opened and she saw a figure headed towards her. It was without a doubt Tristan. Even at a distance, she could tell by he way he walked, the way his gaze was set firmly on her.

"Hi," she managed quietly, standing to greet him. A brief awkward silence breathed between them before she spoke again. "Um, you lead the way?" she whispered, offering him a brief smile but keeping her gaze away from his.

[tristan mark kensington]

TRISTAN KENSINGTON
PROMISE YOU THE WORLD AGAIN
AND EVERYTHING WITHIN MY HANDS
ALL THE RICHES ONE COULD DREAM
THEY WILL COME FROM ME
- - - - -

“Hi.” The air seemed to waver beneath the uncertainty trapped within her voice, causing Tristan to cringe inwardly. Things had never been this way before – they never acted as though each word drained them of all their strength. Perhaps calling today a funeral was fitting. After all, it appeared that merely being forced to interact with him was killing Cadence. “Um, you lead the way.”

Forcing the embittered thoughts aside, Tristan slung his arm round her shoulder as he had in the past. If Cadence wanted to act morose he certainly wouldn’t stop her, but in the same vein, he was not about to go down without a fight. The right of old, some deep-seeded testosterone driven motivator made walking away impossible. It wasn’t that Cadence had been once his and he had lost her, for Tristan knew that the most he could ever have claimed from her was friendship. This desire coursing through him was different, raw in its need. His roommate had assured him that it was merely the thrill of pursuing someone who presented a challenge. But Adrien was wrong. Tristan knew this was something more – he could feel it. If Cadence refused to fight for herself – this was no longer about them – then he would battle on her behalf.

“I wasn’t sure what to do today,” he confessed lightly, guiding her through the wrought iron gates. “I mean, there’s just so much we could do. But I reckoned you would potentially murder me if I took you cycling again. And …well …although I know we decided to call today a funeral I can’t help but hope that it doesn’t end with a casket.”

Her shoulders felt stiff, tense beneath his arm and he dropped it reluctantly to pay for their admittance. The girl behind the counter, dressed in the dreary forest green polo with the zoo’s log emblazoned on her breast grinned at him, revealing a mouthful of shiny braces. “Two please,” he said politely, hating that for a minute he had to be separated from Cadence. It appeared that each moment she was left to her own devices she withdrew further from this world and into one of her own. The clerk followed his gaze to where Cadence stood, staring off at something, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Her smile fell as she rang Tristan through, handing him a handful of change. Although the clerk could not be more than sixteen, he recognized the wounded look. Hell, if he was here to celebrate the death of a friendship, he shouldn’t kill the poor girls dreams in the same breath.

“If it weren’t for her, you’d be in a lot of trouble,” he joked with a wink, tucking the coins into his wallet. “Probably for the best, I’m certain your boyfriend would beat my ass for trying.” Not waiting for her response he trotted back over to Cadence.

“You’re in luck,” he declared with a teasing bow. “They weren’t going to let us in today. In fact, I was nearly arrested for escorting such a magnificent creature. But I worked my charm and they decided that I could be trusted. Where to first – monkey’s or tigers?”

[cadence alexa roderick]

cadence roderick ,
i looked in the dark
the room calm and cold
and quiet hollow
i am such a haunted soul
-----

A thousand thoughts raced through her mind as she felt the familiar weight of Tristan's arm fall across her shoulders. For many months she had longed for a moment like this. One where the lines of past and present could be blurred into obscurity and nothing mattered more than the moment. The shock of his seemingly cavalier regard pulsed through her body before dissipating into the air of supposed normalcy that remained. “I wasn’t sure what to do today,” His voice broke through her mind with clarity, reeling her back to the unfortunate present. Even with his light-hearted tone, Cadence could hear the whispers of strain in his voice. It was clear what he was doing and the girl couldn't help but feel torn between appreciating it and loathing it. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let it die. Whatever they had between them was better left alone. To reopen wounds seemed pointless but with every flicker of his glance that accidentally caught her gaze, she couldn't ignore the tug she felt in her chest. The same aged longing for what was in front of her.

She swallowed a frustrated sigh before it had chance to escape her lips. Conflicting thoughts crashed against one another in her head, battling for their right to be heard despite the blank of silence Cadence urged for. The dizzying confusion raged on and she knew the blame lie solely on Tristan. Before she had seen him, everything made sense and her motives were not questioned. Now, she could not deny the blaring voices of doubt that were born from his words. "... today a funeral I can’t help but hope that it doesn’t end with a casket.” A small smile graced her lips as he spoke. Even in this doleful mood, Tristan's character could be seen through the thick clouds of uncertainty that loomed threateningly over them. The girl could at least appreciate that fact though her stilted demeanor remained as they approached the ticket box. Standing in the zoo's drab uniform was a young girl, bright carmine hair tied in unsightly bunches that suited the polo she wore. She was smiling, her eyes coquettishly spanning Tristan's form as he stood, paying. A twinge of something ignited as Cadence watched in silence. She could hear Tristan's playful banter and saw the girl's face alight with silent giggles as he spoke. Whatever it was reared up again as Tristan made his way back to her, the zoo worker's gaze still fixed on his retreating back.

Cadence unclasped her hands, shaking away whatever it was to gaze blankly at the boy, her features somewhere in-between a smile and a frown. “They weren’t going to let us in today. In fact, I was nearly arrested for escorting such a magnificent creature." Tristan said, his tone completely serious but his eyes hiding a mirthful expression. Lips parted in a genuine smile, Cadence started forward, taking her place beside him as they walked beneath the welcome banner. "Tigers," she replied, eyes trained on a wooden post not too far away. A small image of a striped cub was painted on one of the signs attached to the post, pointing left.

The pair continued on, walking past a small play center where a few kids played in the damp sand. Once again, a stilted silence had settled itself between them and Cadence berated herself for agreeing to this, whatever it was. It had never been this hard before. At one point in time, conversation had flowed freely between them. Whatever they were, Cadence had been able to trust him with her secrets, her fears and everything else. Now this was all that was left. The girl felt a numbing breeze blow by them as they walked. Tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ear, she turned slightly to speak. "W-What have you been up to since..." Words struggled to balance themselves on her lips but she pushed on, determined to speak.

They rounded the corner and the enclosure could be seen now. A few other visitors were stopped by the high glass fencing, eyes pointed towards the rocky encampment where the tigers roamed. "Since... Since I last saw you? Anything special?" Her words were soft, threaded with the same ambivalence she knew rested in her caramel gaze. She felt like a broken record. Nothing she could think of sounded reasonably intelligent and though he was fully capable of acting as if the months apart never existed, the girl knew she never could. It had been too hard to let it all go now.

[tristan mark kensington]

TRISTAN KENSINGTON
SHE'S SO PRETTY; SHE'S SO DAMN RIGHT
BUT I'M SO TIRED OF THINKING
ABOUT HER TONIGHT
- - - - -

Tristan's mind raced as they ambled along the twisting path making their way to the tigers. He couldn't do this – it was a mistake birthed in desperation and haste. His Cadence was gone, he could see that now. The light that once sparkled in her eyes had faded to a dullness that he was growing to hate more each time her eyes shyly met his own. Had her transformation been gradual, like the addition of water upon a watercolor, the brilliance bleeding out until all that remained was a faint reminder of what had once existed? Or had it been sudden, like snuffing a candle, all the warmth and comfort disappearing in one breath? His heart constricted tight within his chest – had it been gradual, did that mean he might have done something to prevent it?

"W-What have you been up to since…" Cadence's voice pulled him from his thoughts like a siren's song. As Tristan tipped his head to look at her, she continued, the hesitancy that wavered in her tone only fueling the thought that she was no longer the girl he had once known. That Cadence, he thought bitterly, would never have felt nervous around him.

As her words fell on his ears he knew he had to try. If he could be the boy from her memories, then perhaps he could unearth the girl from his own. There was no way that his Cadence was gone forever, she was merely locked away waiting for someone to unearth her once more. Though he would never deserve such an honor, he knew that he must try.

His lips curled up into a lopsided grin as he looked at her. "You mean you haven't heard?" he teased, shaking his head with mock shock. "I mean, I was positive that it had made the papers…" Cadence's eyes clouded in confusion as she looked up at him trying to make sense of what he was saying – like always, she was slow to realize that he was merely goading her. It was the first flicker of the girl she had once been that he had seen yet. The thought filled him with hope.

'The band broke up. I suppose it was only a matter of time. Carmine met some bird, knocked her up, and decided that it was some sort of moronic sign from Almighty that they were destined for one another." Rolling his eyes, Tristan shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and set his eyes upon a family ahead. A part of him wished that he at least had the promise of a future with Cadence instead of sharing in the morbid reality that after today there would be nothing. All that would remain was a tattered and forgotten scrap of friendship – a friendship he was beginning to doubt ever truly existed.

"So yeah," he continued breezily. "His 'wedding'"—his hands made quotations around the word—"was the last time we all played together." His eyes met hers then, a shiver tracing the length of his spine. "I suppose it was for the best. I haven't had much inspiration lately anyway."

They had arrived before the tigers. Reaching out, his hand gripped the wrought iron spires that rose from a concrete slab, acting as a deterrent from entering the sty. The finality of their situation struck him then, despair consuming the hope he had once clung to. Cadence was like these tigers – trapped within a world that she no longer recognized. Even if she were to be set free, where would she go?

That final thought threatened to destroy him.

[cadence alexa roderick]

cadence roderick ,
beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
i have to go, i have to go
-----

Clouds high above them parted for briefly, allowing the pair to be showered in a few moment's of sunshine. Cadence remained silent as Tristan spoke, allowing his words and voice to wash over her. The ridged syllables that seemed to dance in the air as he spoke, lulling her forward. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she allowed herself a moment to enjoy hearing the cheerful tones that dripped from his voice, however forced they might have been. A part of her still believed this all to be a dream, some sort of morbid creation her mind fabricated out of sheer want. She had for so long pretended that part of her was no longer alive that faced with Tristan, she felt like a deceiver facing the secret keeper that had the power to destroy it all. The girl listened intently as he spoke, storing bits of information and retrieving others. Carmine. She remembered the freckled face blonde. He was younger than she and always rather flighty, but he was kind.

She had heard nothing of Tristan nor his band since leaving him behind. She had deluded herself into believing they were a world away and that the chance of crossing paths was close to none. In fact , though many of her nights were pierced with dreams of moments like this or memories of their past, she had managed to purge herself of any thought of Tristan in her waking hours. It was too hard to fight as she slept, her defenses were weakened, but the daylight hours allowed her to swallow the tears and fears that she had ruined everything. Instead, focus was put onto other less damaging thoughts, superfluous tidbits that mattered little.

Cadence's eyes fell upon Tristan's lips, watching as they parted before coming back together. His words were easy, like liquid as they slipped away, their meaning lost beneath everything Cadence was searching for in them. A new emotion sprang from the well within as she listened. How could he stand there so casually? It was as if all the time she had killed herself to put between them existed in some other reality, the one where she thought she'd never see him again. The girl swallowed hard, a heat rising in her eyes as she regarded him with pursed lips.

"I suppose it was for the best. I haven't had much inspiration lately anyway."

She flicked her eyes towards his now, the moment and its connotation not lost on her. She felt as if another hot wash of shame had been poured on her. She silently cursed him for doing this to her. He had asked for this. It had been a stupid idea. How could they relive the moments of their past without realizing everything had been a mistake? And worse, she was certain they both knew there was nothing that could be done. Nothing could reroute the past and its wounds. The scars could never be erased. So why try?

"Stop it!" Her voice was hoarse, uneven as the sheer emotion behind it cracked. "Just stop it, okay?" Cadence's glared at the rocks behind Tristan, her eyes glistening with tears as the words broke from her parted lips. "We can't change anything! It's done and I'm sorry if I fucked up, but y-you.." Everything swelled up inside of her, like the building of a tide that had long been forbidden from crashing. Nothing made sense anymore. All her thoughts, her well-formed convictions had been drowned out by the tenderness in his voice. Apologies, anger, frustration and most of all, desperation bubbled up to her lips but she had no strength left to deliver them. She finally turned her gaze to Tristan, her eyes almost defiant. "You made everything better. But you lied to me." Her voice wavered uncertainly as the thoughts finally wove their way into sounds, parting as words into the thick air between them.

"You showed me that nothing could hurt me. That every wound of the past would never come back. That I could never again be harmed by someone else. But when I left... When I left and you let me. It was that lie. You cut me deeper than any blade possibly could."