Mortlord's Guide to Life., Chapter 2 - The Fairer Sex

[Mortlord]

Greetings mortals! We are Mortlord, Lord of all Mortals. Hence, the Lord of YOU. But do not feel inclined to thank Mortlord, for we feel that all men (and those blessed with a higher calling) can and should only act as what comes naturally. So while Mortlord is deserving of your adoration and respect, we do not demand it.

Following on from an intensive lunar revolution of experimentation and study (quite a large amount of study, let us tell you), we are prepared for the next chapter in our seminal work ‘Mortlord’s Guide to Life’. This chapter is entitled: The Fairer Sex. In this chapter we shall delve into the world (and vagrancies) of women-folk and through our own thorough expertise impart upon you all a sliver of charisma and know-how, so you too shall, if you wish, be well known to the ladies.

First, let us define what is a woman. Obviously, women are in possession of charms and graces the likes of which surpass most mortal men (with the obvious exception of Mortlord), not to mention certain appealing physiological differences. Now, for the sake of argument we shall classify Trolls, Orcs, Tauren and Forsaken women as such even though, to use a base colloquialism, Mortlord ‘would not go there, girlfriend’. But do not misunderstand! Mortlord recommends a liberal and generous open mindedness until you decide what appeals to you and what does not. You may be pleasantly surprised! Or in the case of Mortlord, both horribly physically and mentally scarred. Ha ha, we jest of course, nothing can harm Mortlord.

Anyway! Now that the idea and form of a woman is firmly in mind for you, the reader, we shall move on to practical tips in satisfying the more base carnal urges that so plague mortal-kind. It is the view of Mortlord that the common races lack of attention and so quickly become bored, turning to such mundane activities as ‘sports’, ‘slaying of innocent and mostly cute critters’, ‘savage yet ultimately pointless warfare’ and, of course, ‘gentlemanly time’. But, it is not for Mortlord to comment on such matters. We will however provide for you some useful (and effective, wink wink) quotes to use on the womanly folk.

Here are some choice morsels to devour and regurgitate onto your favoured lady. Perhaps Mortlord should work on that metaphor, but the context should be clear:

1. “If Mortlord said you have a beautiful body, would you devote your existence to his pleasure? For surely, such a compliment from the Lord of all Mortals is rare in the extreme and worthy of your lifelong servitude.” - In case of our august name, Mortlord, we will allow you to substitute your own (though this may negatively alter the efficacy of this illuminating line).

2. “Are you tired? For you have been running through Mortlord’s mind all day, and our mind is a vast complex plane stretching for and encompassing all infinity.” - Another great line. Mortlord has had great success using this existential approach for the more learned amongst us. Particularly effective on mages and priests. Needless to say, this line will often pass over the unfortunately shaped heads of Orcs and Trolls regardless of their class.

3. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? More importantly, Mortlord wonders how you could be so clumsy as to fall to the mortal realm from another plane of existence? This is confusing to Mortlord. Perhaps you were cast out, and if that is the case, Mortlord is not interested in your leavings.” - This one works surprisingly well if the lady in question is in possession of a sense of humour. Otherwise, they may take offense, though Mortlord does not think they should complain, this is very pertinent information we are requesting.

4. “You've got the grace of Elune and the legs to match. We like it. We like it very much. And boy would we love to ‘put a ring on it’. We don't even know what that means, but if it's a euphemism for carnal relations, then count Mortlord in!” - This line is a sure-fire master key to even the chastest woman’s unsullied fields. Do not let their confused looks give you doubt, they are merely enamoured of your wit and quite unsure how to respond lest they appear boorish. Mortlord can attest to this!

5. “Would you like to see Mortlord pull a rabbit out of a hat? Of course, by hat we mean our pantaloons and by rabbit we mean our gentlemanly parts.” - This forthright line is also one of the best. It coveys all necessary information and creates a didactic response of humour and serious proposition.

With these few lines you have no doubt opened the hearts of any but the most reticent of ladies and what follows is up to your own predilections and proclivities.

DISCLAIMER: Mortlord, Lord of all Mortals, takes no responsibility for any misfortune that may arise through the use of his Guide to Life and the advice provided therein. Mortlord, however, demands all credit in the event that you do 'score'.

[hortencia]

/swoon

Mortlord had me at "Greetings mortals!"









((once again, really well done. haven't laughed that well in a long time))