Hephaestus and Kronos, Here we go, guys!

So first off, I'll take a look at the post that Hephaestus made in the other forum and let you know what could be done better. Sound good? Actually, it doesn't matter if it sounds good or bad, 'cause I'm doin' it anyway heh heh.

Hephaestus' Post:

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Okay, here's a tip I'll offer right off the bat. When RPing, it's nice to use something that'll break up your actions and spoken words-- for example, I use italics and *asterisks* around my actions, while my dialogue is just plain in "quotations." This is pretty standard for RPing. Some people like to use different colors for their actions and dialogue, but if you do this, make sure the color you use is easily readable on the current background as well as consistent (in other words, don't use red in one post and blue in the next-- stick to either red or blue for all your posts).

Hephaestus, I like how you began to set the scene with

It's a start, and better than some! Try to add some details. How dark is the night? Is it so inky black the moon seems as though it could never penetrate the threatening veil of darkness? Or is it just mildly so? Is the moon shining? Are the stars? Hephaestus is sitting-- what does the sand feel like underneath him? Soft? Gravelly? Uncomfortable? Warm?

Let us into Hephaestus' head a little, too. You begin to do that a little bit when you tell us about his pain, but we want to know more. Let us feel his pain with you, his anger. Anything he's feeling, try to communicate that through to words.

I've said this many, many times, but it's worth repeating, so I'll say it again: see the scene like a movie in your head, and describe all the little bits you're seeing. Don't go so into detail that you bore us all, but do enough so we can see exactly what you want us to.

This is just a start helping you out; I (and Kronos, I guess ) will start an RP with you that we can post back and forth on. I don't like professing that I'm a master, because I'm not, but you can probably pick up a few things from me, and I'll continue helping you out. This course has worked for others (I've seen people improve by leaps and bounds, if you'll excuse the cliché!), and I hope you'll let it work for you, too.

Because this is a mock RP, I'll make a character up to use, just for the fun of it.


*A pair of black eyes, gleaming in the moonlight that trickled through the dense vegetation of the island's tiny forest, studied the stranger on the beach. A dark tail flicked erratically in the shadows, but apart from that, the creature did not move. Who was the stranger? she wondered. He was a sea otter, by the looks of him, but not in the best shape. Otters were normally jovial types, even when grizzled by the ocean, but one could never be sure....*

*The creature's attention span was brief; she was in no mood to watch him sitting still on the sand, doing nothing. His sudden voice shocked her, and she started, tail twitching several time successively.*

"Might as well get some sleep and wait for the next ship to come by."

*The creature ventured carefully, quietly, from the bushes. The dim light of the moon revealed her to be a red squirrel, unusually small in stature. Her tail's constant twitching gave an onlooker that she was an unnaturally jumpy beast. She paused, a good ten or so tail-lengths from Hephaestus.* "Might be a long time waiting, they hardly come by here at all."

*The next day when Hephaestus awoke he heard something in the distance. It was a loud noise that sounded like a cannon. He emeadiately got up to look and not even 70 meters off of the shore were two ships in a cannon fight. The last time he had seen a cannon it was pionted at him. he saw that one that ship had a pirat flag on it was losing. The other seemed like a goodbeaste ship. It looked fermilier but from where. Oh yeas he remembered now it was the one that was after him ever since he burned down his home town. so then he started to swim in the ice cold water to the pirat ship so he could help repaire it. He had to learn how to build houses, ships and even latreans. When he got to the ship it was close to sinking so he just took out hims tools and went to work on the ship without the capatans knowledge.*

Erm, you know, Hephaestus, I feel a little offended. I just wrote a huge post examining your RPing style, giving you tips to improve, and then wrote a reply post for you to build off of/interact with, and you didn't take any of it into account. If you're really serious about RPing, I'd appreciate it if you would redo your post to take what I said in my previous post into consideration. Thank you.

OOC: Sry Let me have another go at it then.
BIC:[I]The next morning Hephaestus awoke after a dream he knew was frightening but had foregotten what it was about. A split second after he rubed his eyes and yawned Hephaestus heard a loud crash. He sudenly jumped up and gathered his supplies and wepons incase he was goning to be in i fight. After a few seconds of navigating threw the bushes and trees he saw it. It was the ship that had been chasing him for the past few seasonsthat he on the run for his sins of the past."Oh no they found me." whispered Hephaestus. It apeared to be in a battle out at sea with a pirate ship that apeard to be losing. After a second of thinking he was in the water swimming torde the pirate ship to do repaires. When he got there he pulled out his tool kit and got to work on the holes using the wood he found in the water. Within moments the battle had been won and no one on the ship knew why they wern't sinking while Hephaestus stay still as he could blocking the last hole whith his very own bottum side for there was no more wood in the water around him.

Right. That was better mate. Don't offend Raiko! Beware of the Caps lock rage mode!!

I'll join when I feel it is alright to make my entrance, OK?

Listen, Hephaestus, I really want to say that was better. I really do. But you're so focused on putting that part about fixing a ship in, you're missing the point of the exercise. It's difficult for me to have a RP with you when you don't adapt to my post. Your post makes it look like my post didn't even exist. I realize you want to post about this ship's battle, but save it for another forum when you're done with this training course. Try rewriting your post to have your character react to and interact with the character I made.

OCC. Sorry I was out for a while at vacation at Ceader Point the One Top Thrill Dragster is awsome. And if you did not already check the OCC chat for news on my idiot brother.

BIC. It was about 3 hours after Hephaestus went to sleep he silently awoke. Not moving except for his eyes opening he looked around. He did not see anything in front of him so as much like he was asleep he rod over and only had his bottum eye open to see a creater in the bushes serownding. Him he rold over once more to pull out his cutlas and jumped up poining it at the creature. He then bellowed out in as furius tarifying voise as he could " WHO AND WHAT GOES THERE". As the creature aproched slowly without a word coming out its mouth Hephaestus paniked and started to run right into the coastline and swam out 10 yards taking out his spear and got ready to throgh it at the creature if it came into the water.