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 The Electric Tripyramid of Satirical Purple
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Posted: Jun 21 2009, 11:43 AM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



You know what? No. I can't. I'm not this person anymore. I never really was. That was a dark time in my life, I was completely off my rocker, too much to even realize the degree to which I was, and I hope to never be like that again. I need my mind now, I can't devote it to this crap anymore, and even if I could I wouldn't, because I don't want to become like that again, now that I'm like this and getting more so. I mentioned something a few pages about how I was getting the beginnings of a life, and asked the internet to hold me. Well, I'm done with that now, GTFoff me, internet, you smell bad.

So yeah, sorry to all the hypothetical people who read this. Maybe one day I'll do something here again. In the meantime, I'm on roosterteeth.com, doing journals that are sort of like what I used to do here. If you really need your fix for rambling not-really-a-jokes, try me there. Screenname is LSofACO.

Peace, hypothetical comrades.

Oh sweet, this was a new page too. I've still got it. dancingtime%21.gif


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...Won't that, like, tear a hole in the universe?
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Posted: Oct 3 2009, 10:53 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Oh, hi there.

...

ninja.gif

Wait, what?

What?

WHAT?!

WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT?!

wut

DANCINGTIMEDANCINGTIME!

dancingtime%21.gif

So, apparently I'm posting here again. HOW COOL IS THAT, NOW-MORE-HYPOTHETICAL-THAN-EVER-BEFORE VIEWERS? Isn't it great? Doesn't it just make your hypothetical day? And oh boy, do we ever have a lot to catch u-

YO VISION I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT EXORCET HAD ONE OF THE GREATEST COMEBACK POSTS OF ALL TIME!

user posted image

Is it just me, or is there some sort of ancient alien language carved into that dude's head? He also seems to be conveying an ironically-amusing hostage negotiator-esque attitude in that particular frame. "Just put da award down an' nobody gets hurt, yo." And no, that will not be replacing

darthvader.jpg,

in case you were wondering.


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...Won't that, like, tear a hole in the universe?
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Posted: Nov 27 2009, 05:17 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Alright, time to actually start posting here again. "What?" I hear my now-more-hypothetical-than-ever-before (with 20% more FREE, and low sodium!) viewereaders exclaimate? "You used to post here?" Why yes, yes I did, a very long-o time ago in a galaxy far, far away-o. With

darthvader.jpg -o

Okay, so what have we missed, other than the season of horrible weather (DAMN YOU, SUNLIGHT!) and 37 flavors of mental breakdown (DAMN YOU, SANITY!)? Well, we missed some video games, but they sucked anyway, so nevermind that. We missed me getting something resembling a sort of life-thing, which was fun, but not funny, so nevermind that either. Also? Whatever. Or, as my English teacher says, "everwhat." Yes, apparently you can be an English teacher and still think that's a word. Or, oh, I'm sorry, English instructor.

Because, you see, I'm in college now. Well, community college. So basically I'm in highschool. But nevertheless. So, how is that? Who cares, this is boring. I'll mention it in more contrived ways later off. The point is that I don't have teachers anymore, but these blokes certainly aren't worthy of being called professors, so I have what they call 'instructors.' Oh, and my History instructor randomly has an Irish accent sometimes. "Wæll good marnin' tooooo yuh..."

I'm sure you've noticed that I suck even more than usual now; but then, I always seem to say that, and then I go back and read myself saying that and laugh heartily, so maybe I'm doing okay. I suspect not, though. At any rate, it's going to take me a while (forever) to get back into the proper swing thing of thing swings. It's a what? Or perhaps it's a who. Whos know.

Anyway, ducks. Drake is not one, and Cleverbot knows this, because I taught it so. Cleverbot is wise. It is a great thing. It's basically a refrigerator, in a way that I can't remember because it actually doesn't make any sense. Oh, I remember now. It's like a refrigerator because a refrigerator is like a billboard, and that's what Cleverbot is like; a billboard that highlights the things most related to what you pin on it. So if you pin lots of made-up words on it, it will get very confused. You should try it. Or, you know, actually try to hold a conversation with it. That's always great. Sometimes it will make sense for as long as four responses before going off about wanting to date George Bush, or whatever the fuck it always says. And that's what I've been doing instead of making friends or playing video games or doing my schoolwork or being lolsome for you non-existent readerlings.

Oh, I remember what we've missed; HEROES! Okay, to sum up, Hiro is an idiot but he went back in time and we got to see season-1-Sylar again so that makes up for it, there's some Irish earthbender (my brother's been watching Avatar...) whose plotline needs to be stabbed, not made increasingly front-and-center as the writers (lol, people are writing this, lol) seem to think, Sylar possessed Matt, Nathan possessed Sylar who had shapeshifted into Nathan, Nathan-possessing-Sylar shapeshifted into Sylar and went to the carnival with the Irish earthbender because one of the Ghostbusters was chasing him, then shapeshifted back when he found out Sylar was a bad person, then Matt died with Sylar in his head, but Peter healed him so Sylar re-possessed himself as Nathan and went to Thanksgiving dinner with Peter, who annoyingly stopped him from killing Angela, who needs to die. Also, Peter is randomly a paramedic, and has another dumb haircut and another power. Oh, and Claire is now bicurious in a desperate attempt to re-attract her disillusioned fanboys.

God this show sucks.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!


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Posted: Nov 28 2009, 09:13 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



So, I have nothing. This means it's the perfect time to post in the ETSP!

And I guess it's not entirely true that I have nothing; I'll always have

darthvader.jpg

and all those stupid words I've made up, and the ability to talk about nothing for 87 paragraphs.

...or apparently not.


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Posted: Nov 30 2009, 03:32 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Good Jesus, shut up Silver. You'll depress the kiddies, and also the kitties, and we wouldn't want little kittens to be sad, would we? Don't be so glum and existentialist (DID SOMEONE JUST SPELL EXISTENTIALIST RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY?) all the time. Prove yourself strong and brave. Like me.

As is obvious from that forced and unfunny reference, I'm playing the original Ratchet & Clank again instead of buying the newest one. I'm not sure why I told you that, as I can't think of anything amusing to say about it. Which is yet another line which can sum up this entire (starship) enterprise. Sigh. Yeah yeah, I'm sure I could get some kind of joke out of that; add all the Enterprises's's's's serial numbers together and divide them by 42 or 19, thereby deducing something about stuff. But that would involve doing things, which I'm not so keen on. Obviously.


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Posted: Feb 10 2010, 01:51 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



They were given ample warning, but they failed to prepare for the insanity storm. Say, that would be a cool thing, wouldn't it? A storm that drove people crazy. Hands off, Stephen King, I thought of it first.

I was going to turn that paragraph into a Wikipedia parody, but then I remembered that according to Wikipedia at 13:05 yesterday, the first sentence of the Articles of Confederation was "Hehe hey whats up guys," and I decided that that removed the need for parody.

Okay, so I need to get back up to snuff. Or is it up to speed? Do you snuff speed? I don't know, I don't do drugs. But apparently I need to. brb, drugs.


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Posted: Feb 11 2010, 12:11 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



It would seem, were there anyone for it to seam or be seamed to, that the days of the traditional (storied) update are gone, perhaps never to return; however that doesn't mean I can't still type random shit and pretend to be funny.

As you may recall from recent updates that one dodgy and doggerel update from a few months ago, I am be getting an call-age edumacation. I've learned a few things from the instructumators so far this semestre, including that chickens 'poop out' the eggs, that computer class is like Dancing with the Stars, that once you "get tenure, then you can ask the freaky stuff," that "ya'll need Jesus or somethin,'" that people can be exactly right in that *something they didn't say*, that Irishmen are awesome (slight paraphrase), that Micheal Jackson is a basketball player, and that here in the United States, mornings end at noon. I've also learned Spanish from eccentric young white people from the '90s. Pfft...kids those days...all hyped up about Britney's Pears on the Sleepstar on the outercob, and their why-for-que. Actually those were the late '90s, which were kind of freaky and depressing, except for Pokemon, which was freaky and awesome. The people teaching me Spanish on VHS tapes are from the early '90s, which were like the '80s but more mellow. And with more me being alive.

In unhrelkated news, this paragr[HF HAW been briopght top you by jmne wearing gtlpovesa, withoput using backspace at alll. /TRFhat's gloves, in case it wzsn't clear. I am wearing gl;ovesa becaujsre myh khands arfe cpold. They are not getting leaass cpplld, pon;ly mpre wet, spo I'm going t talke the glopves fpf npw and gp back tp typ[ing normally.


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Posted: Feb 12 2010, 09:47 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



What's this? Some actual sense of obligationmentation to the topic-thing? Three days in row? Oh, am I doing that thing where I speak entirely in questions again? Have I already done this joke? I don't remember, so instead of repeating myself (which would be boring and stupid), I'll just call upon

darthvader.jpg

There, wasn't that much better than risking the possible reuse of a not-really-a-joke? We can't have that here at the ETSP! After all, our very name denotes freshness, in the most unrelated-to-Will-Smith way possible. We're not that kind of fresh. We're the good kind of fresh (No offense to Will Smith. ...Oh wait, yes there is.), like leafully greenful vegetableses, or baked bread. Not like baked vegetableses, or leafully greenful bread, though. That would be bad. Also, we remind you to please note that leafull is not, despite what my brother's pronunciation of it might lead you to believe (were he to survive exposure to the ETSP with the speech centers of his brain (?) intact, a scenario that our researcheraters indicify is highly unlikely) is not the same as lethal, and the two words and (just hypothetically, you understand) things labeled with them should not be confused or treated as interchangeable when making a charity salad. Also, we are a Roman emperor. Heil-a me-a!

ninja.gif

Gee, I was inventive with that code, wasn't I? It took me a while to figure that one out. Also, charity salad? I am, for some reason, reminded of that 'free hugs' phenomenon which I wrote about at about this time last year. Ahh...those were the days; when those weren't the days. Trust me, that fact makes more sense than you think it does.


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Posted: Feb 14 2010, 01:24 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Meh, I guess I jinxed it by mentioning the successive posts. Yeah, that's it. I'm not lazy; there are evil supernatural forces at work here.


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Posted: Apr 2 2010, 08:29 AM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



The other day I had a question. Not of my own volition; oh god Klein no. I was given this question by my English teacher instructor as part of one of my womanifold retarded assignments. So since I didn't really care about the answer to this question, rather than devote any thought or effort which could be otherwise devoted to Demon's Souls (which, if we have somehow thus far avoided establishing this fact, is the my most favoritest song game ever), or indeed to manufacturing hilarity for my more-hypothetical-than-ever-before readerpeoples, I just Googled it on the googley interweb thing. I don't remember the answer, because that's not the important part. What I do remember is the questions google thought I was going to ask.

See, Google is smart; or at least it thinks it is. It's kind of like a less-confusing Cleverbot that you can't teach to say irleandes over and over again. When you type stuff into it, it's like "Oh, I know what you're going to type next!" and displays this knowledge in a little windowy thing. I'm pretty sure that these are the most common searches that begin with whatever you just typed. So I typed in all the question words, excluding "wut," and hilarity ensued. These are the top 10 Google-suggested searches beginning with each question word as of February 19th, 2010. They are in reverse order for optimum optical optimus prime dramaticaliful effectivityness. And since these are the questions that everyone is asking the internet, and I am part of the internet, I MUST ANSWER THEM ALSO.

WHERE
10.) "are you christmas lyrics"
Well, I guess this is to be expected as a natural consequence of the stupid virus epidemic of the late 90s, which, as has been established, this still is.

9.) "is the love lyrics"
You know, maybe I should have started with one I had more to say about. Like WHY. WHY is a hilarious search. But this isn't actually a question, so I can't answer it.

8.) "is chuck norris"
Silly searcherpeople. He's right behind you.

7.) "are the wild things soundtrack"
lol

6.) "does justin bieber"
No, I did not leave part of that out. That is the entire search. I don't get it. I think 800,000 people accidentally their whole question.

5.) "is tiger woods"
Unlike Chuck Norris, Tiger Woods is not right behind you. He's right behind your mom.

4.) "santa right now"
Hell. No, seriously.

3.) "is haiti"
I need one of those Craig Ferguson maps for this one. It's right in the middle of the Sea of Borat, in Narnia.

2.) "can i find chuck norris"
Why do millions of people ask such silly questions? No, you cannot find Chuck Norris. Duhurr.

1.) "the wild things are"
Stupid movie. They should have made a Clifford The Big Red Dog movie instead.


WHAT
10.) "is google wave"
Who gives a fuck?

9.) "is a good credit score"
Over 9000

8.) "to expect when you're expecting"
Um....expectation? O_o

7.) "is love"
Baby don't hurt me, etc.

6.) "time is it"
HAMMERTIME.

5.) "not to wear"
Things that aren't pants. Man I love pants. Everyone does. Church is depressed because he can't wear pants. You would be depressed if you couldn't wear pants too.

4.) "is my ip address"
Okay, I can't mock this, since I have no idea how to find out what mine is. I KNOW, I SHOULD GOOGLE IT.

3.) "to do when your bored"
I would suggest reading a grammar book and learning the difference between "your" and "you're." It's great for when you're bored.

2.) "is my ip"
Over 9000.

1.) "does my name mean"
That your parents hated you.

WHO
10.) "won dancing with the stars 2009"
-_- Really? This is on the top 10?

9.) "i am lyrics"
I am melody. Nice to meet you.

8.) "says john mayer lyrics"
John Mayer.

7.) "is lady gaga"
GREAT QUESTION. I think Aries was telling me the other day that she is one of the Illuminati. Since I have no idea who she is, let's go with that.

6.) "invented the internet"
Al Gore. Duuuhhhhhhhhhh. Haven't you paid any attention?

5.) "says lyrics"
...John Mayer?

4.) "wants to be a millionaire"
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

3.) "dat"
What? I don't understand. What? huh.gif

2.) "wants to be a millionaire online game"
Why is this higher than the same phrase without 'online game'?

1.) "is"
Because this is a complete question.


HOW
10.) "to"
See #1 on WHO.

9.) "many calories to lose weight"
Less than you are currently ingesting.

8.) "stuff works"
I admire these people's acknowledgment of the generality of the deficiency of their knowledge.

7.) "to cook a turkey"
Make it very hot, but not black. Eat with food.

6.) "to solve a rubix cube"
How about starting with learning what it's actually called? *rubik's

5.) "to lose weight fast"
Eat less, move around more. There ya are.

4.) "to get pregnant"
..........................................................................................................................

3.) "to kiss"
Okay, see, this requires two people. There's where you're going wrong with this one.

2.) "i met your mother"
Awesome.

1.) "to tie a tie"
Yes. This is the ultimate question. Bravo, google people.


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Posted: May 7 2010, 01:38 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



So, funny story. Last night I was writing my final history thingy for my Civil War history class, and all was right and good.

Thn my ky brok.

Do you know what th most common lttr in th nglish languag is, spcially whn you ar talking about Robrt . L and th Confdrat stats of Amrica? (Hint: it is .)

And it also turns out that I forgot to do "WHY" in that last post, which was a funny part.

Oh wll.


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Posted: Aug 25 2010, 03:33 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Continuing from the above above post, onto WHY, the very bestest of parts.

WHY
10.) “did the chicken cross the road”
Because chickens have been genetically engineered to be too fat to fly over roads.

9.) “do cats purr”
Cats do not purr. That is a myth. The sound you hear is your cat’s stomach growling, as it prepares to devour you.

8.) “are people posting colors on facebook”
Because Facebook is retarded. Also, it's spelled 'colour'. You are obviously retarded as well.

7.) “do dogs eat poop”
Because it actually tastes really good. You should try it, people asking Google why dogs eat poop. Your lives will never be the same.

6.) “did I get married too”
Um…what? Because a marriage requires two people? Because you don’t understand the difference between ‘too’ and ‘to’, and left off your spouse’s name? WTF? I don’t even know what to make of this. You probably got married for the same reason I would bet you do everything in your life: because you’re a fucking moron. As for ‘too,’ there are many morons.

5.) “is my poop green”
Because you touch yourself at night OLOLOL I FOUND A PLACE TO USE THAT ONE.

4.) “can’t I own a Canadian”
For the same reason you can’t own a dinosaur, silly. All the Canadians are dead, killed in Hitler’s surprise 1942 invasion of Canada. All modern Canadians are actually robots, with a vast supercomputer like that one from Hitchhiker’s Guide serving as their hivemind. That is why Alex Trecklebacker, or whatever that guy from Jeopardy calls himself, knows all the answers and none of the questions.

3.) “is the sky blue”
Okay. Let's settle this once and for all. People need to understand this. It is not that hard. I'm addressing the entire world here. Listen. Up. THE SKY IS NOT BLUE. It does not reflect blue light more than other wavelengths of light, and it is therefore not blue. It appears blue for the same reason that the ocean (which is not blue either) does. Blue and bluish wavelengths of light pass through water, whether in vapor or liquid form, more easily than other wavelengths do. Any diver will tell you this. Red objects especially appear grey at even relatively short distances underwater, while blue objects still appear blue at the same distances. Light diffuses through the air, reflected and refracted by dust and other substances, and passes through the water vapor in the atmosphere, making very, very large quantities of air appear blue, just as large quantities of water do. Do you get it now?! HUH?!
Or hey maybe it’s because of wizards ‘n’ shit, I don’t know.

2.) “are black people so loud”
Because they are angry at you for being so racist, racist.

1.) "do men have nipples"
Because they are angry at you for being so sexist, sexist.


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Posted: Oct 22 2010, 07:27 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Because the last time was such a roaring hit, with its grand total of negative one commentations and reviewerationmentations on the dalmation plantation, HE'S AT IT AGAIN! *toy laser gun noise* Why is dalmation not a word? God, my spellchecker is so racist. Is Obama a word yet? Nope. SO RACIST. You know, one day an African-American Jewish lesbian dalmation from New Zealand is going to rule the earth, and then where will all you RACISTS be? In hell with Santa, that's where.

Anyway, here are the top 10 WHY questions asked google as of October 22, 2010:

WHY
10.) "study history"
Good fucking question. I am asking myself that as I write my 10-page history midterm. I think it's probably so you can gain more of an appreciation for how much cooler Eä is than the actual world. Eä is so cool. No one has to ask "why study Eä." Because everyone already knows. It's because Eä is oh so cool.

9.) "did i get married"
Too.

8.) "do dogs eat grass"
Because it is secretly made of poop. And as we established last time, dogs eat poop because it tastes really good. Where do you think grass comes from, huh? I mean, the stuff in your yard isn't dropping those "seeds", is it? Of course not. Those actually aren't seeds; they are elephant nip, designed to attract elephants to your yard while you sleep, so that they will eat the elephant nip and poop in your yard. And as anyone who's watched a nature show would know, when you break open elephant poop, you find grass. You know how you put special poop called fertilizer on grass to make it grow really well? Well, that's because grass is cannibals. That's right: grass is cannibalistic poop. NOW do you people see why I don't like grass?
Alternatively, it's so they can, like, free their minds and stuff, bro.

7.) "is my poop green"
Because it is made of grass. You are clearly turning into an elephant. You should probably get that looked into.

6.) "try"
Wow, thanks a lot, now I'm depressed. =(

5.) "are women like parking spaces"
Um....because....the handicapped ones are off-limits? :briggins:

4.) "did i get married too"
Ugh. You again? It's been 8 months, you loser. At least ask a different goddamn search engine your nonsensical question.

3.) "is it important to consume antioxidants"
Wow, aren't we the linguistically-precise one? Well, judging from your word choice, I'd say it's important for you to consume antioxidants so you don't fucking oxidize, as you are obviously a robot. I didn't know they had google in Canada.

2.) "is the sky blue"
KJLJAKRLHEKLRJEAHRKJEHARKLE I ALREADY EXPLAINED THIS STFU

1.) "is a raven like a writing desk"
Oh I don't know, some Armored Core joke I'm too tired to come up with right now.


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Posted: Dec 17 2010, 06:46 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



Because I live in Colorado now, it snowed this morning. OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. I have seen snow before, on the rare occasions when it gets confused and lost and wanders into the South to die of intelligence starvation (wait, does that mean that snow eats brains? And that snow is therefore zombies? That's a contradiction that we'll have to get into later, perhaps after the commercial break [GET IT?!])...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, snow. OR WAS IT?

Because as I was saying, I've seen snow before, and this alleged snow wasn't very snowy. It looked and felt like that fake snow full of glitter and dust and bunnies and AIDS and rifts in time and space that they drag out of those lockers in the back of the mall every year and pile on the benches and shit.

Because (every paragraph must begin with because, even when it beings with but) but of course, it couldn't really be fake snow, could it? After all, it was all over the place, and I saw it falling from the sky. How could fake snow fall from the sky? Well, (time for a new paragraph)

Because I have been watching excessive amounts of Doctor Who lately...and actually while I'm on that subject, let me just say that I love how no one in that entire fictional universe, no matter what show it is (Okay, I haven't technically seen that one with the annoying kid and the even more annoying computer and the even more annoying than that dog, but I'm pretty sure that this holds true for it as well) ever really runs flat-out. It was especially ridiculous in that dumb episode that made no sense where the Doctor had a kid who grew up in about seven seconds and became a supersoldier and talked about how much running they would have to do, but it's really pretty ridiculous throughout. They're always being threatened by aliens in long hallways, with the fate of the universe at stake, and they're casually jogging around. I almost feel like they should be wearing sweat pants. The one exception to this, of course, is Jack Harkness, who takes off like fucking Tom Cruise in in Mission Impossible III at the slightest provocation. Anyway.

Because I have been watching excessive amounts of Doctor Who lately, I know the answer to that question; it's not snow, but the ashes of a giant evil spaceship that secretly exploded in full view of everyone ("meteor shower" INDEED) but somehow people still don't believe in aliens. So it's not snow at all, but ash. This is corroborated by a story my crazy seventh grade English teacher told us once about how there is no such thing as snow, and what we call snow is really just ash from Hawaiian volcanoes.

I'm pretty sure that this means that Hawaii is a prehistoric spaceship that crashed on Earth, and that the volcanoes are actually just its engines. Come to think of it, that would explain Lilo and Stich too. Maybe there's some giant spaceship-grabbing magnet at that part of the ocean, and it keeps pulling all the crashing spaceships into a big pile covered in pineapple and pork. It's all coming together now.

Into a big pile of pineapple and pork.

Damn I'm hungry now.

Oh, sorry.

Because.


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Posted: Dec 19 2010, 07:43 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
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Joined: 27-June 08



It's that time of year again, where I do that thing that I did once before, and not at this time of year. No, not update the topic properly. I said something I'd done before.

I've just completed another semester of educationment, now taking place at 6100 feet above sea level, and I've learned many things, including that we all have 'self will', that 'child no left behind' was not a very effective law, that Nero was bad like Michael Jackson (who, you will recall from last semestre's recap, was a basketball player), that there is no real answer to the question of why today is not tomorrow, that "it's nice to be pissed off but you should still talk about policy," that "we are still trying to attempt to understand, like, what I am in the world," that you have to use foxfire to get the program to work, that Princess Elizabeth was like "u mad descartes?", and that "if we lived like a lump, everything would be sort of bluh."


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Posted: Jan 3 2011, 02:11 AM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
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Joined: 27-June 08



I think maybe I should try to do an update? I'm not quite sure. Would that mean I would actually have to talk about, you know, stuff? Because that's probably not going to happen at this stage of the game, folks. What game? Well, that's a good question! Let's seize upon that tiny grain of nothing and expand it into a vast oceanic piecrust of nothing.

Perhaps I refer to the game of life. But Life isn't a game. It is a breakfast cereal. And you should know better than to play with your food. But breakfast cereal is, as the Doctor under the guise of Willy Wonka under the guise of Johnny Depp has informed us, made of pencil shavings. Which would mean that life is pencil shavings, which are therefore like boxes of chocolates. So pencils are made from coco trees? Maybe the graphite under the guise of lead is actually chocolate under the guise of graphite under the guise of lead. So when I made that toy car for cubscouts and put graphite on the wheels to cheat, I was actually putting chocolate on it, which would explain why my dog ate it a few years later. This would explain why people chew on their pencils as well. But wait. Chocolate is poisonous to dogs. So my dog must not have been a dog at all. Maybe she was an alien. Because as we all know from Lost In Space, aliens love chocolate, and Joey is an X-wing pilot. Chandler is obviously the Doctor too. Phoebe can be River from Firefly, even though that's massively insulting to River, and Ross is C3PO. Monica is the lady from Bones, and nobody cares about Rachel.

Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there, recasting Friends to be in space. Isn't that already a show anyway though, with like a cyclops lady and a robot that looks like a disembuildinged ventilation system, or something? Oh, and that guy who has the machine that makes people read things in his voice. Man, what a fiend. So diabolical.

So anyway. If dogs are aliens, like they are in that one movie I can't really remember, maybe cats are the men in black. Torchwood is better than the men in black though, and they're definitely not cats, so this probably doesn't make any sense. Torchwood are probably rabbits, because they have sex with everything all the time. And the Welsh public is obviously goldfish, because aliens invade every fucking Tuesday and still nobody believes in aliens. And since cats eat goldfish, this obviously means that the Men in Black are plotting to destroy Wales, likely to prevent the return of King Arthur. Which would make King Arthur an alien. But since Torchwood aren't trying to destroy Wales, this must mean that the Doctor is Merlin. But not Dumbledore. We must avoid Harry Potter crossovers at all cost.

So if Willy Wonka is Merlin, then chocolate has been a trap since the beginning. Obviously coco trees trace back to the holy grail, and therefore to the tree of life, which explains why life is made up of pencil shavings. The tree was cut down so no one could ever be smart again, and the wood was used to make...oh my god. THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN IN CHOCOLATE.



...Wait. I think Life is a game, actually. Well darn. Never mind.


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Posted: Sep 10 2011, 09:15 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



It's time for your yearly ETSP update.

darthvader.jpg

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. See you next year.


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Posted: Dec 16 2011, 08:39 PM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



It's that time of year again. The time of year when at this time last year it was time for me to do something. What could this possibly portend? What messages do the shaking quaker oat vibrations in the {ear[(th)}ing] carry? Probably none.


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Posted: Aug 7 2014, 01:10 AM


The Unpurple


Group: TC Minions
Posts: 1,715
Member No.: 1
Joined: 27-June 08



FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND FREQUENTLY GIVEN ANSWERS:

FAQ: How old are you?
FGA: 23 now. Later I will be older.

FAQ: How tall are you?
FGA: 1.8 goblins.

FAQ: What do you look like?
FGA: A person.

FAQ: Where are you from?
FGA: Earth.

FAQ: How fat are you?
FGA: Not as fat as your mom.

FAQ: How long have you been X'ing for?
FGA: I have not yet begun to X. Also, that is a dangling preposition or something, and you should be ashamed.

FAQ: Why do you do this?
FGA: It is fun.

FAQ: ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS ARE STUPID.
FGA: yes


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