|· Rules and Guidelines · Portal||Help Search Members Calendar|
|Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )||Resend Validation Email|
| Welcome to Iron Warriors 4th Grand Company. We hope you enjoy your visit.|
You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.
Join our community!
If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:
Posted: Mar 5 2007, 06:33 PM
Member No.: 210
Joined: 19-December 04
Well I deceided that with the renewed build-up of forces it would be a good time to start with writing a decent amount of fluff regarding my Grand Company.
Please take note that english isn't my first language so there will off course be errors in my typing, help with this will be appreciated.
Ferrox stood ready as he and his Terminator accompanied by several Obliterators prepared for the attack on the enemy station.
The Warsmith demanded that the station was destroyed before it could warn the planet below about their arrival.
"Is the teleporter ready?" He shouted as stepped on the platform.
"Yes my lord." An adept answered him.
Ferrox smiled, soon they would crush any form of resistance of that damned station and no one was to be left alive.
Over two dozens terminators stood behind him, readying their weapons and giving prayers to Perturabo for bringing them here.
Ferrox checked his personal weaponry, a weapon from the ancient times when they still served the corpse of Terra, the so-called Emperor of Mankind.
His 2 powerfist each incorporated a bolter, a weapon that in the right hands was devastating.
Behind the terminators he could see the hulking form of the obliterators.
He could see weapon muzzles appear from their flesh before sinking back into it, he knew these beings had great power but they paid that price with their sanity.
Satisfied that all was ready he gave the command.
The teleporter began to charge up, now it was just a matter of time
"IRON WITHIN!" He shouted.
The rest of Terminators raised their weapon as they answered "IRON WITHOUT."
"Now!" He snarled at the servants behind the console.
Ferrox closed his eyes as he offered a prayer to Perturabo.
The platform disappeared in a bright nimbus of light.
When he opened his eyes again he saw they were just were they needed to be.
“Perfect.” He grinned as 2 terminators placed the melta-charges.
Those on the other side never knew what hit them as the explosion raged through the room.
“Let none survive!” Ferrox roared as he charged through the hole.
He knew they only had minutes at best before the men onboard would realise what was happening, they had to get there quickly and disable the communications.
In front of him he could already see security teams taking up defensive positions.
"Form up men, ready those lines!" A sergeant shouted.
A hail of reaper cannons fire answered the guards defence lines.
Body were torn apart by the firestorm unleashed by the terminators.
Ferrox revelled in the stench of dead as they passed the remains of the barricades and dead bodies, it was good to be back in action.
They pressed on with the advance, time was of the essence and the Warsmith didn’t tolerate failure.
In front of him he saw another barricade but before he could even fire it disappeared in a large explosion, vaporizing the men behind it.
Ferrox looked behind him and could see that the obliterators had arrived.
"Must obliterate!" They mumbled in their strange monotone voice.
A Terminator separated a guardsmen torso from his legs with a simply swing of his powerfist.
No mercy or quarter was given to the enemy, nothing but mindless slaughter as whole hordes of guardsmen died by the massed fire of the Chaos Terminators and their Obliterators.
Ferrox smashed his way through the doors, emptying his bolters into the room ripping men and machines apart.
"Make sure that none of those worthless scum are left alive!" He shouted above the noise of the battle.
If they would just reach the communications room before the guard could send a warning to the planet below.
But Ferrox had been conducting boarding actions for the last 10.000 years so he knew what he was doing.
"Ferrox to Iron Claw, launch our surprise!” He ordered.
Posted: Mar 9 2007, 03:31 PM
Member No.: 344
Joined: 8-May 05
That's really good if English isn't your first language.
There are a few errors, and since you asked for hep, I'll try to help point them out.
The "accompanied by several Obliterators" should be set off by commas, as you could remove it and the sentence still means the same thing.
The "to him" isn't really necessary because the "my lord" already tells us who he is talking to.
The "this" should probably be changed to "the". It just seems to read better that way.
If you look close, that's really two sentences, but changing "these monsters were a hellish fusion" to "hellish fusions" would fix it.
First, it should be realize, and "onboard" should be two words. Again there are two sentences, but if they deal with closely related topics, as these do, you can connect them with a semicolon in place of the comma.
The second mention of the barricade is redundant, so just mention the men. Also, the tenses in the second sentence don't match, you have "looked" (past tense) and see (present), replacing "could see" with "saw" will fix this.
The first sentence is only half a sentence. If they could reach it, what would they do? I'm not sure about the second sentence. I can understand what you are saying, and it's cool, but "but" isn't the best word to start a sentence with. Maybe you could combine the two sentences.
All that said, it's really good if English is your second language. I have made most of those errors as well, and they are the kind that becomes much easier to see only after you have been speaking and reading English for a long time (and being forced to learn everything about grammar helps too .
I hope I didn't go overboard and I apologize if I did. I look forward to reading more about your Grand Company.
++EDIT++ It's good to be back.
The Iron Library calls. Will you answer?
Thank you to all those who have answered the call.
I would list you all, but my signature was getting too long.
Posted: Mar 9 2007, 06:08 PM
Member No.: 210
Joined: 19-December 04
Not at all, it's good for me to get pointed to such things especially with the real idea behind this small fluff piece, myself and a few friends are planning on having a campaign either next year or the year after that which will be story-based, the way the campaign goes is the way the story goes and I'm planning on turning it all into a giant piece of fluff so I need to get the spelling right.