welcome

[Cacie Turner]

cacie turner remembered all the times she had spent at waterfront park since she was a kid and it was created. there were times with christian hellsend. there were times with cameron. there were times with janine. it was so easy to remember everything. and so painful. ever since she got back to louisville, she'd been hiding from the real world. she enjoyed hanging out in her new house, decorating the right side and building her recording studio in the basement on the left side. the entire left side of the first floor up were completely empty. the entire right side of the basement was completely empty. if a photographer went into her house, or if mtv cribs did, they would think her a complete eccentric. in reality, she was being kind of nostalgic, and using the powers of wishful thinking. she was really wishing that somehow, janine would move in with her. it was their dream house.

she sighed a little as she walked around the great lawn. she enjoyed the sunset, the sounds of the river, the sight of people walking their dogs and playing ultimate frisbee. she kept walking, wishing that she wasn't there. a few kids looked at her and their eyes got wide. she waved a little and hoped they wouldn't ask her for her autograph. of course, the little girls did. she nodded and pulled out her chewed up black pen and quickly signed the hello kitty notepads the girls had. she handed the notepads back and laughed at the girls joy. then she gave them each little hugs and shook their father's hand. he apologized for the girl's enthusiasm and shook her head. "it's no big deal. it kind of comes with the territory." she shrugged and walked away.

she couldn't believe how she was recognized now. she hated it. she hated it so much that she pulled on a pair of giant black aviator sunglasses. she bought them so she could think of janine. every time she wore them she remembered her blonde best friend and her favorite aviators. she could feel tears of loneliness burning behind her eyes and she bit her bottom lip. oh suck it up case. big deal, your best friend hates your guts and has for years. deal with it. you've dealt with it before. her thoughts were bitter.

it was just hard to deal now that she was back home.

[Janine Matthews]

janine matthews rarely saw sunset on her own terms anymore. she was usually working or sleeping through the sunset lately. she'd rarely leave home except to go pick up her fix or to head to work, and it didn't really bother her one bit. but today she had the itching feeling to get out of the house... and so she'd drug herself out of bed and into the shower. her shower was quick and she grabbed random articles of clothing and her black aviators on her way out of the house. her mother said nothing of her appearance, there was only a slight gasp at the length and style of janine's hair. she did nothing but give her mom a face as she shoved on her aviators, walking out of the house like a ghost.

she chose to walk today. she didn't care that it was almost 8:45... she didn't care that she looked like meat to be preyed on. and she certainly didn't give a fuck that she looked like she was about to blow over at the slightest breeze. her now tiny frame was dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans, a short sleeved shirt with black polka dots and a black leather jacket to top it off. her old pair of white converse set on her feet, full of random doodles from years and years of wear and tear. her now sandy blond hair reached inches past her shoulders, and it sat in loose curls. hair once tightly curled hair was now voluminous. she was glad that her sunken in eyes were covered by her favorite pair of dark aviators, she hadn't had the nerve to put on any make up before she'd left the house.

she let her feet lead her where they wanted to go. and they wanted to go to waterfront park. she shrugged slightly as she put her hands into her jacket pocket as she walked through the park. she saw random little girls fawning over a petite figure that looked quite familiar. she raised a brow and used her left hand to pick up her glasses slightly. a small 'fuck' escaped her lips as she began to step backwards quickly. she nearly fell, but caught herself before she made a scene. there's no way in hell... her thoughts trailed off as she studied the petite figure again, this time her glasses were still down on her eyes.

that couldn't be acacia maria lynn turner... could it?

[Cacie Turner]

cacie had the weirdest feeling. like someone was staring at her. she hated being stared at. even when she was on stage, she hated the feeling. every night when she performed she wanted to tell the audience to look away. to turn around and not look at her. she didn't of course, she swallowed her stage fright and used that nervous energy to put on a decent show. at least an energetic one. but now, she couldn't find a way to siphon the nervous energy that came with someone staring at her. instead she whipped around, short dark hair going with her head and forming some kind of cyclone.

then she saw who was staring. janine matthews, just not the eighteen year old version that cacie remembered. she was thinner and she looked... well she looked like ass. that was actually putting it nicely. janine matthews looked like ass that went through a blender, got frozen into a soccer ball shape, got kicked around by hobos, got put through a blender again, and then poured into a janine shaped mold. cacie felt worried for a moment. then she felt rather ecstatic. she had been thinking about janine and there she was. almost as if by magic. or fate or destiny or one of those other lame concepts she didn't actually believe in. it was coincidence, she knew that. but it didn't stop the smiling from forming on her face, causing her nose to crinkle.

she ran over to janine and then she stopped. she wanted to hug the girl but she remembered that janine hated her. she had stopped about ten feet away from her. then she walked slowly and cautiously. she stopped a yard in front of janine and lifted a hand in casual salutation. "you look like freeze dried ass." she smiled a smile that only janine had ever really seen. the little cacie half smile that said she loved you to pieces.

[Janine Matthews]

apparently, the sight wasn't her last few ounces of cocaine talking. she watched slightly as the figure of her best... ex best friend ran over to her. the eighteen year old that was trapped inside wanted to run out and give the girl a hug, but the twenty one year old told her to stand firm. and she did. she let her older 'wiser' self take control as she looked at cacie through the aviators. she noticed cacie's pair, but said nothing of it. instead... she listened to the girl talk. she clenched her fist slightly in her pocket, making her nails press soft half moons into her palms as she resisted the urge to smirk. she let her teeth bite down on the inside of her cheek and chewed on it for a second before she spoke. "you don't look too bad yourself, turner,"

her once booming voice now sat at nearly a whisper. she spoke loud enough for cacie to hear... she hoped, anyways. she rarely spoke lately, unless it was to her customers or to her 'friends'. she didn't have the need to speak. all of her talking had been done via text message or facebook or myspace, much like in the good old days when she had her most interesting conversations in text instead of in person. at the thought of high school, she let her hand reach up to the back of her neck and rub it slightly. she wasn't sure what to say....

what did you say to your ex best friend who you'd written at least three dozen letters to? what did you say to your ex best friend who you'd never tried to reconnect with... janine didn't know the answers to those questions, and she couldn't think of anyone who would have. so she didn't speak, no, instead she let cacie have the next volley. she knew life wasn't a game of tennis, but sometimes when she spoke she felt as if it was.

say something. say you're sorry, she was sure that that was her inner eighteen year old talking... though it was true that twenty one year old janine often pondered running to the turner's house and asking for cacie's number, or going to her next concert no matter where it was... but twenty one year old janine wasted all of her money on one thing. and that one thing sure wasn't trying to regain cacie turner's friendship back.

[Cacie Turner]

one sentence. one god damned sentence was all janine had said. and it wasn't even a sentence calling cacie a bitch. there was no laugher in her voice. her voice didn't even sound like her voice. it sounded gravelly and unused. cacie furrowed her brow and was glad her aviators hid the confusion in her eyes. she wanted to shake janine's shoulders until she got some kind of emotion from her best friend. she wanted to -- hell she didn't know what she wanted to do. janine looked so tiny and fragile that she was certain shaking her would cause some major bone damage. it was like she was looking at a porcelain doll version of janine. she wished her best friend would take off the damn sunglasses, just so she could see the fierceness in her eyes. if it was still there. she hoped it wasn't the hollow look they had both shared their senior year in high school. the dead look.

she waited for janine to speak again, but she didn't. it turned out that the one sentence, the thing about her looks, was all she was going to get. she tried to decipher it. was it a compliment? an insult? cacie looked down at her outfit. a pair of cut off shorts, a black tank top, a pair of black flip flops. it seemed normal enough. maybe not what you'd expect to see some big hot shot singer in, but what you'd expect to see cacie turner in. celebrity hadn't changed her. she was still the same girl from high school, just three years older with a lot more money. and a little less cynicism. she didn't want to be the bitter girl anymore. she had too much life experience to be the bitter one. being the bitter one made her lose cameron. she wouldn't do that ever again and she knew it.

she dug her toe into the grass a little and put her hands on her hips. thinking about cameron in front of janine felt almost wrong. like she was betraying one, or both, of them. she took a deep inhale and exhaled it slowly. yoga breaths. she was a vegetarian and she did yoga. well spank me and call me buddhist. only without the loving of the fat guy.

she looked at janine again, sunglasses still on. "so how have you been?" her question came out kind of strained. like she was forcing it. questions like that were never asked between them. they usually already knew how the other one was. three years does that to a person.

[Janine Matthews]

there was a slightly awkward tension in the feet that seperated janine and cacie. and it made sense. the two hadn't really spoken a word to each other during their senior year of high school, instead janine often looked at cacie with dull eyes and a frown etched on her face. it was senior year that the morph from normal!janine to druggie!janine happened. after... after cameron's death. the thought of cameron's death still stung janine the same way it had when she first found out. and that was three years ago. she let out a soft sigh, pushing her aviators back up to the top of her nose as she heard cacie's question. she shrugged softly, putting her hand back into her pocket. "fine."

what a crock of shit.

"you?" she didn't know what else to say... she felt so fucking useless. she had basically been anti social save for the occasions at work where she would pretend to be normal just to make the customers not feel awkward... part of her wanted to ask cacie if she'd like to have a seat, and then ask her what she'd like to drink. but she knew that she shouldn't do that. she felt her inner self crawling out and before she could stop herself, she began to speak... a little louder now. "i was just on my way to dinner," she let her voice trail off a little bit as her eyes widened a little. what in the mother fuck are you doing?! but still she continued. "and i think it'd probably be easier to talk if we were sitting down and eating or something."

chills ran down her spine slightly as the words left her mouth. suddenly she wished that she had an edit button, or a remote that would take back everything that she'd just said. it wasn't that she didn't want to spend time with cacie... well, it wasn't that old!janine didn't want to spend time with cacie. it was just, underneath the aviators she looked even worse. she had no make up anywhere, there would be no way she could make herself look presentable if she and cacie were going to eat. part of her wanted cacie to say that she had to be somewhere.

but then again. another part of her wished that she said yes.

[Cacie Turner]

cacie heard her reply. one word. followed by a question. asking how she was. cacie smiled a little. "amazing." it was true. that one word summed up how cacie was doing, minus of course the whole feeling slightly despondent since coming back home, leaving tour. and not having anyone signed to her label except herself. and sure, the despondency made it where she hadn't written so much as a word since she'd gotten home, but she chalked it up to anxiety. she was nervous about being home. scared that something would be wrong and she'd come home to find her parents dead, greg dead, janine dead, and pretty much louisville a post-apocalyptic waste. she had a very active imagination on tour. she had a very active imagination anywhere she went actually.

she heard janine's next question and looked up over the brim of her sunglasses. when janine had removed her own, she thought the dark under her eyes was from the sunglasses that cacie was wearing. now that she was looking over them, she could see that wasn't true. she pulled off her own sunglasses and clipped them casually over her tank top, one arm inside to hold them down. she smiled a little and nodded. "well my stomach is digesting itself as we speak. i was going to cook a burger when i got home, but getting food not at home, so much better." she grinned. as much as she did cook for herself, she hated it. she wasn't the greatest cook. she ended up burning her soyburgers more times than not. she much preferred to have people cook for her, even if it cost a lot more.

that and she missed her best friend.

she couldn't look away from the dark rings under janine's eyes. her mind kept flashing to the similar rings that cameron used to have. "have you been sleeping at all j? i mean seriously, you look like i did when i didn't sleep for seventy-two hours that one time in high school." she grinned a little. she wouldn't let the memory that came with that overtake her. the night she finally slept, she slept in christian hellsend's arms.

she'd find out if he was still around later. she assumed janine would know.

[Janine Matthews]

when cacie responded to how she'd been doing, janine felt slightly jealous. cacie had been having a good life. she'd done what she had wanted to do. but janine... janine hadn't really done anything with her art or her baking. she'd mainly veged out at home, only making herself look presentable for work and other 'friend' functions. she hadn't done one fucking thing in three years but manage to weigh as much as she had in the 9th grade and look like she hadn't slept in days. the thought gave her chills, and the face of her cousin appeared quicky in front of her before cacie began to speak again.

she bit the inside of her lip, letting her eyes adjust to the setting sunlight. she nodded a little and heard cacie begin to speak again, she coughed a little and shrugged. "between work and my mom's stupid hair dryers i haven't really been able to get good sleep." you fucking liar. not that it mattered anyway... it wasn't like cacie knew about the drugs. it wasn't like anyone she used to talk to knew about the drugs. her parents didn't know. her brother sure as hell didn't know... the only people who knew were those who gave her her drugs or did drugs with her. she shivered slightly at the thought, looking at cacie with her same old eyes.

janine shrugged a little bit, and began to walk in the direction of the old spaghetti factory, which was where janine and cacie used to eat all the time in high school. her pace had slowed a lot since she'd left high school, she didn't have the urgency to leave wherever it was that she was anymore... her stride wasn't as fierce as it used to be, she had no one to intimidate. now she took long, lanky steps. occasionally she'd have fun and parade around the city... but that was usually when she was high and all done up in some outfit that made her look ridiculous. and she didn't feel like acting like an idiot around cacie.

not until things were back to normal. if they would ever go back to normal.

[Cacie Turner]

she heard janine's response and nodded. some buried part of cacie, the eighteen year old girl that she used to be, rolled her eyes and yelled that janine was a liar. that janine was a fuckin' liar. but the twenty-one year old cacie accepted the story. she didn't really know janine anymore, a thought that depressed her but was all too true. she didn't know her best friend. she didn't know her well enough anymore to call her out for lying to her, because for all she knew, janine could be telling the truth. but my jacie senses are tingling. tingling like whoa. she forced a small grin onto her face and tossed her short hair as janine turned to lead the way.

it took only five minutes for cacie to realize where they were going. the realization made her stomach growl. she laughed a quiet chuckle and looked at janine. "apparently, my stomach remembers this route better than i do. kinda creepy." she grinned, hoping that she could thin the air between them. she didn't like feeling forced around janine. she hated it. she hated every minute of it. she wanted to be happy with her best friend. jumping around and being losers. being kids again. everything was easy then.

she thought back to the days before cameron, before ben, before even christian hellsend. when it was janine and cacie, with an occasional cameo from serena. back then they would link arms and skip around, hit each other in the head playfully. they would lay around all night talking on the porch roof outside of the turner's second floor apartment. watching the stars through the trees and louisville's light pollution. back then, everything was easy. all they needed to survive was one another. now, it wasn't like that. now they barely spoke.

another pang of homesickness hit cacie.

it was right then she realized that the whole time on tour she hadn't been missing louisville. she'd been missing janine. she'd been missing her old life and friends. she wondered if the homesickness would finally go away once things went back to normal with janine.

she hoped with all her heart that they would.

she looked up and saw a lonely star in the sky. she closed her eyes and made a wish.

star light, star bright, first star i see tonight
i wish i may i wish i might, have this wish i wish tonight.
i wish that janine and i could be friends again, the way we were.

she sighed, remembering that she didn't believe in wishes.

[Janine Matthews]

as the two began to walk towards their favorite old restaurant, janine slid her aviators over her eyes easily. of course they weren't really neccessary but she still didn't like having her bare eyes out in the open. besides, if there was one thing that she'd learned from cameron and tristan about bad looking eyes? it was to always cover them with sunglasses. no matter what time of day. sometimes she felt like an overly dramatic super star who was trying to hide her identity from the gloomy papparazzi... but mainly she just felt like her cousin. minus a few inches and even a few pounds. she shivered at the thought of cameron, letting her hands settle back into her jacket pocket as she heard cacie's comment.

she chuckled softly, and nodded a little. "good food is always well remembered," but janine couldn't really remember what the old spaghetti place tasted like... hell, she couldn't remember much from her high school days. now she mainly ate a sandwhich at home and nothing else. she didn't do much with her other meals... sometimes she'd snag a bite at work but other than that she didn't eat nearly as much as she used to. she was too busy sleeping to eat. but on rare occasion she could eat like the pig that she once was. part of her hoped that tonight would be one of those rare occasions... she didn't want cacie questioning things. though with her slimmer figure cacie could just assume that she was on a diet, or something.

she shrugged the thought away as she and cacie entered the restaurant. she pulled her sunglasses off of her face and placed them over her shirt, similar to the fashion that cacie had done though she didn't use her hand to keep them from falling. she held up two fingers to the little hostess and gave her a small smile before she and cacie were lead back to a table. she gave the hostess a small nod and took a menu before she looked over at cacie, raising a brow.

"i feel like i'm in high school again." a small twisted smile, that looked more like a tiny smirk, crept onto janine's lips at the comment. it was partially true. but if you asked her what it really felt like to be in high school? she would only tell you of her senior year... and all of the heartache that it brought her. not a good subject for janine.

[Cacie Turner]

she laughed and playfully nudged janine's arm. "of everyone i've ever known, i think you would definitely be the one to know that." she was trying to bring back the playful banter and shoving that had always been a part of the girls friendship. she was trying so badly to make it right again, to make it real. she remembered why they had been fighting, the harsh words janine had said to her, about how it was cacie's fault that cameron was dead. now those words haunted cacie's dreams at night, a broken record player with the sole intention of torturing one cacie turner. but at the moment, it seemed to be the proverbial elephant in the room, something you move around but don't mention.

actually high school and cameron in general played the role of the purple elephant.

so you could imagine her shock when they got to the restaurant, sat down, and janine made a comment about high school. cacie's head bolted up a little and her amber eyes widened. she took a deep breath and tried to soothe the scared bunny feelings away from her. she was feeling like any moment janine would attack her. blame her again. only this time, blame her for leaving the second things got too hard, which is what cacie did. she didn't technically leave for months after cameron's death. but she left the plane of reality everyone else lived on. she left the existance she'd always known. she left everything, being a mopey and whiny little girl. she was almost ashamed of the person she used to be, that she didn't try to deal with it then. that now it still haunted her because she didn't know how to deal.

she still didn't really know how to deal.

she took a deep breath again. inhale. exhale. then her eyes went back to normal. "i haven't felt like i felt in high school in a long time." it was true. she wouldn't let herself feel that way anymore. for years she allowed herself to shut off all feelings. now she just shut off the bad ones. she slowly turned them back on, allowing herself just a drop or two of them to deal with at a time. slowly letting her own anxiety issues settle.

she looked at janine and smiled. "but this place brings back memories."

she moved the parmesan shaker a little, moved the spice caddy in general to the center of the table and choked back a gasp. behind it, barely noticable on the dark wall, was black pen markings. c.t. + j.m. = b.f.f.s cacie smiled and looked at janine. "it's still there."

her tone didn't betray any of the excitement she felt. but it wasn't icy. it was just normal conversational tone. she didn't let her pounding heartbeats take over. she didn't let anything show on her face.

but really, seeing it renewed her hope. and maybe made her believe in wishes again.

[Janine Matthews]

janine nodded a little, "this is true," she let a soft chuckle come out of her lips. back in the day, janine could keep up with the football players at the buffets. but now she could barely keep up with the cheerleaders. sometimes she could eat a lot of food... but most times she just managed to eat enough to fill her insanely small stomach.

she scrunched her nose at the thought, and sighed a little as she and cacie continued to walk.

when she and cacie entered the restaurant there was a sort of nostalgia that entered janine's mind. she didn't let it get to her, and she blocked out her last year of high school and instead decided to remember the good times. freshman to junior year. the good years where everything was peachy keen and no one was a drug addict and no one was dead. she let out another soft sigh and tapped her fingers on the table a little. she watched as cacie picked up the spice caddy and she raised a brow as she saw the little black pen markings.

chills went down her spine as she had to refrain from letting her fingers trace over the markings. she didn't say anything about it, and instead she just nodded a little. she'd seen these markings four years ago when she'd last come to this restaurant. "i can't believe its still there," a soft smile crept its way onto her lips as she looked down at the markings.

maybe it was a sign. maybe all of it was a sign. the fact that the one day she wanted to leave the house. the fact that her feet lead her to waterfront. the fact that she'd seen cacie. the fact that they'd been sat at their old table. maybe it was time... maybe it was time for janine to forget the past, and hope that cacie would be able to forget too.

but that was impossible. why would cacie forgive her? after all of the things that she said, all of the actions that she'd had... she wouldn't blame cacie if she never wanted to speak to her again, then again... how could she blame her? janine was the one who had said she'd hated her. janine had been the one to end the friendship. sometimes she'd forgotten that everytime she pointed one finger at someone there were three pointing back at her...

and while cameron's death may have been cacie's fault ( in the mind of janine, and some others ), the disintegration of their friendship was only on janine's shoulders. she made a face at the thought, and continued looking down at the markings on the table.

[Cacie Turner]

cacie watched janine's face contort into a smile, a small one but a smile none the less. then her own face burst into the world's biggest smile. her best friend, even though they hadn't talked in quite awhile and were fighting for longer than that, was actually smiling. it was a nostalgic smile, something that showed she was remembering. possibly reliving the same memory cacie herself was.

they were sixteen, juniors in high school. cacie was still whatevering with christian and bitching to janine. janine was whatevering with hayden and bitching to cacie. they promised each other that even though all the guys around louisville sucked donkey kong dick, they would still be best friends. cacie was the one with the idea to sign the wall, sign their booth. she said, one day when they were both famous, the wall could be auctioned and the money could go to help feed little children or save the manatees.

now here they both were. at their booth and only one of them some what famous. she just didn't feel whole in her fame. because the whole time, her album covers were designed by strangers. they were just photoshoots of her, manipulated to become something prettier. one had her handwriting for the song list, but that was it. two cds, two cd covers, and it didn't feel right.

because she always told janine that she could design every cover cacie had.

guilt splashed over her. she had kind of betrayed her best friend, broke a promise by letting some loser make her loser cd covers. she knew that if she and janine had been friends at the time, they would've been a hundred times better.

finally she spoke, after letting all of her thoughts cycle through. she nodded. "serena would think it was a sign from god." simple words like that, remembering the third member of their trifecta who was now some sort of supermodel, the way they knew she always would be. sure, they weren't as close to her as they had been to each other, but they were still all pretty close.

remembering her brought back more memories of high school. she remembered so many great times with janine.

"i miss it sometimes."

did she really need to say what it was?