Book review: The Black Tattoo, Part 1

[Skillkill]

You know it's a bad sign when a book starts off with a geriatric woman tossing pot at a demon and it's supposed to be a serious book.

Nor is it a good sign when the author uses fake words on his web site.

The Black Tattoo is a story about a demon parasite overlord who wants to end the world....for no reason at all. No really he doesn't have any motivation other than he wants to see what happens. Not out of curiosity either. He just thinks it would be cool. Sorry. I'm giving him too much depth considering the story. Originality at it's finest

Now you may think I'm being sarcastic here, but for once that's my honest opinion without any humorous tint. This is how the majority of characters describe him. With a straight face no less.

Anyway the book starts with the old woman somehow getting off her ass and kung fu fighting this thing for no fucking reason....naturally she gets her ass handed to her, even after throwing exploding joints at the guy but by summoning enough pot in a circle she managed to trip out enough to scare off the demon....that's really the only way I can think of describing this travesty. The book says it's enchanted tobacco but really, with what's happening and how...without context the whole scene is you can't really take the book for it's word.



Yeahhhhhhhhh that is slightly more coherent than the content of this story.

With an abrupt transition we meet two of the protagonists, Jack Farrell Charlie, two fourteen year old friends without a care in the world...or not. Without a moment's rest Charlie, who has no last name mind you, goes straight into a Chinese restaurant to confront his father who had just divorced his mom, after I think getting caught in an affair......what the fuck? No. Bad book. You can't try and preform an analysis on society and morals after just getting through a kung fu fight where one participant is so high off her knockers she might have imagined the whole bloody event.

A few minutes later Charlie angsts off while Jack, understandably disturbed follows along meekly. This is how the hole book goes really but anyway, in few minutes they bump into a guy in a black coat and namesake black tattoo....Hey little boys would you like to see how deep my rabbit hole goes? So Charlie shouts at him and judging from the way his reaction you can tell the chubby bastard wasn't all that intimidating. Apparently the local mugger didn't think so either so he stole his wallet, only to be stopped by Obi wan Kenobi who FUCKING JEDIMINDTRICKS HIM INTO GIVING THE THING BACK. Now he's speaking in the voice the demon thingy was. Hm, I wonder if that's relevant...



Take either one, they're both date rape drugs.

Well anyway Master Demon invites them over to his house...inviting two little boys into his house...god...to have a chance to become a demigod. It's....hilarious. So they meet a spunky little fourteen year tomboy named Esme Leverton and her blacksmith father Haggrid....Raymond...ah hell they describe him in a near identical manner so....Haggrid it is. The big test is apparently holding onto a stick....yep...now I'd say this was pathetic...until Jack grabs onto it and proves that Yoda rigged the thing to a fucking Tesla coil. What an asshole. In reality he's using his magic to "test" who would be the best suited to inherit his power...Now Jack being the pussy that he is immediately lets go of the stick after touching it but Esme and Charlie apparently like voltage and hold on for a about half an hour before Esme finally lets go proclaiming Charlie as the dragon warrior. Then suddenly like an Agent jumping out of a body, the convenient plot character panics and dies. Nobody but Jack seems the least disturbed and they dump the body somewhere.

The next day Charlie begins his training and to start off he's pit against Esme, the warrior bitch Xena herself. Now hilariously he gets knocked on his ass in one strike but persistent as he is he tries again. This time he simply dodges like a pussy for all of three pages only to get knocked on his ass again without touching her. Nice. Next they go upstairs and take a look at the sword Haggrid is making for Charlie. Now it looks bad ass and pretty damn complete. Next Haggrid just a perforating device of some kind and tears the thing to fucking shreds to feed to the pidgeons he keeps to strengthen it when it comes out of the pigeon's ass. And his record is 9 times No joke. Now I know this is a real practice but you never fucking reforge the shit to near completion before you do it. Nor do you fucking do it 9 times. You would need a flock of pigeons the size of a church and a slab of iron the the size of a bus to do that shit....now it's not relevant but the demon, who's name is scourge was talking to the high old lady the whole time. The dialog has minimal relevance up to now so I don't see the point of repeating the boring exposition Suffice to say she managed to last for weeks on end for no adequately explained reason. Well they somehow get a lead and Esme somehow grabs Jack and starts flying as Charlie jumps from building to building. DBZ in book format is boring.

Well after they reach the old bitch Jack talks to her, says something about the scourge and gets killed, without really doing all that much. Nice. Way to use the character to it's fullest.



Now after disposing of the bitch's body in an unexplained manner you see Esme painting butterflies. BAD ASS MOTHAH FUCKAH. BEST TRAINING EVER. Now Charlie sees this.......and BRINGS. THE WHOLE FUCKING ROOM. TO LIFE. And Esme does the first rational thing. And tells the kid to fuck off. Now at this point he's covered in tattoos and he's hearing voices. This is the point most people get an exorcist. This kid decides to listen to the voices and run off to open a hell portal due to the fact he's angsting over his parents. Nice.

Now rushing to his parent's house to get his shit he talks to his best friend before leaving. For some reason Jack has reservations about going to hell and turns him down before informing Esme and Haggrid.

They head over to the nearby pub with some hell based pun for a name, and they all promptly get their asses kicked. And although Esme takes the worst of it, being tossed through everything in the damn bar, everybody loves Haggrid gets killed by the demonic british emo, and as he dies reveals he's not Esme's father as the demon spawn walks into hell. And then the french demon FBI walk in to end the scene. With no transition either.



My reaction so far

[SOS Mage]

I wouldn't think a book worse than Twighlight exists but.... That plot made no sense so far. I didn't really even get the idea except the whole demonic parasite who wants to commit the apocalypse for not even the lolz.

Also I think someone may be using those date rape drugs >_>

[Anima]

lmao Enchanted tobacco

[Skillkill]

Part 2
++++++++
The next part is completely incohfuckingherent.

It starts with two long chapters of the parasite poisoning Charlie's mind with delusions of grandeur WHEN HE'S PROVEN VERY WELL CAPABLE OF POSSESSING HIM AND ACTUALLY POISONING HIS MIND. Well after/during this Jack has been dropped infront of the king....and the king, rightfully dubious about a pink fleshy monster trying to convince him a mythological trying to usurp his kingdom and destroy the world...says he'll meet with him after Jack kicks some serious ass in the arenas....he faces a giant scorpion. Need I say the rest? So the medic, a guy named GODFREY...fucks around with his innards....HM.
I WONDER IF THIS IS RELEVANT?



Choose the appropriate joke here

Following this Esme is just emoing out for about a chapter and a half in the horse swordsman stance...one of the most uncomfortable stances in existence and one which actually has little value outside of endurance training. Then she kicks the french FBI's ass. Then she goes over to her uncle's crazy ass partner.....and finds out the demon parasite thing is her father by extension after he raped her mother........her father....



You know it to be true....

....So knowing this she cries her way home, breaks into her attic and somehow knows where the pidgeon (shit) sword that should be about the size of a pen cap is(and yes they actually call it that the entire book afterward frustratingly enough) and jump into the hell gate with her newly acquired plot powers while the french FBI piss their pants and stay back again. Then Jack wakes up figures out he's talking to GAWD....frey, goes to see the king epic kung fu fight where Esme knocks Charlie on his ass like six times before being OHKO'd and getting sent back with Jack to their distorted bullshit reality where Esme gets locked the fuck up and Jack finds out that god modified his innards and he now has a demon's digestive tract....meaning he eats bat vomit....well that makes sense, right? So Charlie tries to enjoy his kinghood for about twenty minutes....Jack and Esme come back with the french FBI....summary of the chapter



The second chapter folks

[Anima]

Wait...






What?

[Darkflare]

................................................


Are you SURE you're not just reading some bad fan fiction somewhere instead of in a book?