The Adventures of Alexman: The Curse of Life, A new Begining

[Alexman]

Chapter I: The Legend of the Hero of Light

Long ago, in a land called Hyrule, many legends and myths are told. One legend states that whom pulls out the sword filled with light from the pedestal will protect the princess who bares the Light Force. Many people kept on asking on who would this person be and when will he come.
One day, the King of Hyrule was out on one of his walks around town and today he saw a little boy, about 10 years of age, sitting on the steps of the Temple of Time with his head down and crying.
The king went up to the boy and asked, “Why are you crying son?”
The boy looked up, “Both of my parents are dead. I ran from my village when a gang of robbers came into the village and destroyed it.”
“I’m very sorry to hear that.” The king said, “What is your name?”
“My name is Alexman” Alexman answered
The king looked down at Alexman’s left hand and saw to what he thought looked like a faded triangle. The king thought that he had the potential to be the one who would pull that sword out.
“Would you like to live with me, Alexman?” The king asked “I’m the King of Hyrule, and my daughter, Zelda would like a brother.”
“Sure” Alexman answered “I don’t have any family left.”
“Then welcome to the family, Alexman.” The king said as he helped Alexman to his feet.
After a few days, Alexman and Zelda became best friends. Princess Zelda was around 7 years of age at this time.
Another week passed by and the king told Alexman the legend of the Light Sword. The king showed Alexman the sword in the pedestal in the basement of the castle.
“This is the Sword of Light, Alexman “King said” Years have passed, and nobody has ever pulled the sword out.”
“Maybe I’m different then the rest.” Alexman said “Can I pull out the sword?”
“If you want Alexman.” King said
Alexman walked up and held on to the handle of the sword. He started to pull with all his might and the sword slowly lifted and came out of the pedestal.
“Am I the person?” Alexman asked
The king was surprised that Alexman could pull that sword out.
“Alexman, now that you have pulled out the sword, you are connected to Princess Zelda. She can talk to you though your mind.” King answered
Soon Alexman heard a cry for help
“Help me, somebody help me!” the voice echoed though Alexman’s mind.
“Princess Zelda is in trouble!” Alexman said as he searched for Zelda. When he found her, Zelda was sitting in the castle courtyard.
“Are you alright, princess?” Alexman asked.
“I’m fine.” Zelda answered, “Why do you ask?
“I heard your voice in my head that you needed help.” Alexman replied.
“I didn’t say anything to you.” Zelda answered, “Maybe it was just the wind.”
Then Alexman heard the voice again.
“Help me, somebody help me!”
The king came a few moments later to see Alexman and Zelda talking in a rude manner.

Chapter II: The Journey Begins

“What are you guys arguing about” The King said
“Alexman blames me for talking to him in his mind” Zelda answered
“You said your self, king” Alexman said, “When I pulled this sword out, I was connected to Princess Zelda.”
Alexman hears the voice again. “Stop it Zelda!” Alexman yelled
Then a guard came into the courtyard holding a package.
“Your highness?” The guard said
“Yes?”
“You got a package here.” The guard said
“We will deal with this mater later.” The king said as he went to see the package.
The package had a map and a statue inside with a note.
Please help me. Any heroes with light please come to the place marked on the map. I don’t have much time left…
“Well Alexman” The king said, “It seems that the person who wrote this is looking for you. Maybe you should go to the place marked.”
“Let me get my stuff together and I’ll be on my way” Alexman said
A half hour passed and Alexman was about to set off to the Lost Woods when Princess Zelda came by.
“Promise me that you will comeback.” Zelda asked
“I’ll be back before you know it.” Alexman answered as he said good-bye and headed toward the Lost Woods.
An hour passed while heading toward the lost woods. Alexman was a few feet away from the desired place on the map. He didn’t see anybody anywhere or anything.
“I wonder if this was a joke or something.” Alexman said to himself “The note did say the person didn’t have much time left…I wonder if I’m to late.”
Alexman turned around and saw a Skull kid.
“Can you help me, Skull Kid? Alexman asked
The Skull kid ran up and took his statue and ran deeper into the woods.
“COME BACK HERE!” Alexman yelled
Alexman ran after the skull kid into some dark blue fog.
“ I can’t see a darn thing in this fog!”
Then Alexman gets knocked out by 2 monsters and drag him deeper into the fog…

[SpyBorg VS]

Well... I didn't read all of it, but from what I did read, it could use some work. It's not all that... erm, how to say... exciting. As an example, let's take that last sentence:

"Then Alexman gets knocked out by 2 monsters and drag him deeper into the fog…"

What, no struggle? No reader-preknowledge that the monsters are there? You could make your story more exciting by saying something like...

"While Alexman wandered aimlessly in the fog, having lost sight of the Skull Kid, two monsters waited patiently for him. They crept about in the hazy woods and were careful not to make sounds that would alert the young man. They pause thier actions after getting dangerously close as to let him think everything was normal. Then they ambushed Alexman, overtaking him in a single strike! He fell to the ground unconcious. Being satisfied with their work, they grabbed him by the legs and dragged him deeper into the woods."

See what I mean?

[Alexman]

I'll put your version in and replace that last sentence. Thanks for looking at it Spyborg.

[SpyBorg VS]

I do pray you'll use that sort of writing in the other parts of the story as well.

[Alexman]

I will.

[Alexman]

Chapter III: Escaping the Castle

After being knocked out by 2 monsters, Alexman wakes up in a castle prison cell.
“What or where am I?” Alexman said “Why am I in prison? I haven’t done anything. I wonder if this was a trick from the king?”
A few moments later a door opens up and a person in a black cloak comes toward Alexman’s cell and opens the door.
“Come with me, kid.” The cloaked person said, “The prince wants to see you.”
“Prince? There isn’t a prince in Hyrule?” Alexman thought to himself as he was dragged to the main hall of the castle.
Alexman saw a person sitting on the king’s seat.
“Who are you?”
“You aren’t allowed to speak until spoken” the personage said has he came up to Alexman and kicked him in the stomach. “Where is the Princess?”
“I don’t know where she is at?” Alexman answered
“YOU LIE!” the personage yelled as he kicked Alexman a 2nd time. “I order you to tell me where she is at! NOW!”
“I don’t know where she is?” Alexman said again.
“STOP LYING!!” The personage said as he kicked Alexman a 3rd time.
“ I really don’t know she is!” Alexman said again
“STOP LYING!!” The personage said as he kicked Alexman a 4th time. “Maybe it’s not getting through your mind. Guards!”
“Yes, Prince?” one of the guards asked
“Take this traitor to the punishing room.” The prince said “Punish him until he talks!”
“Yes sir.” The guards answered as they dragged Alexman and took him away.
A few yards down the hallway, a bright light blinded the guards and a girl figure appeared.
“Come with me, Alexman.” The girl said
“I…need…. my…. sword” Alexman tried to talk
“Here”, the girl answered as she threw the sword to Alexman “I managed to get it from the monsters that knocked you out.”
Alexman grabbed the Light Sword and felt a little better and was able to get to his feet.
The guard’s eyes got better “Stop traitor!”
“I’m not a traitor!” Alexman said to the guards
The guards pulled out their swords and came fast to attack Alexman. Alexman quickly dodged one and blocked the other guard’s sword with the Light Sword. Alexman slide under the attacking guard and attacked him with his sword from behind and the guard fell. Alexman spun around and blocked the other guard’s attack. The guard spun around quick and tired to attack Alexman at the legs. Alexman jumped and avoided the guard’s attack and punched him in the face and the guard fell to the ground.
“Quick Alexman” the girl yelled “before more guards come, grab my hand, I’ll can get you out of here.”
Alexman ran over to the girl and grabbed her hand. The girl transported him out of the castle.
Alexman found himself in a light room with 5 girls glowing around him and 1 girl that had a princess dress on a few feet away from him.