My Turn, Im ready for the Torture

[Ashe Corvin]

Well, I would like some feedback on my first RP in Sin.

Going in a sort of new direction with my character, its been over a year since I RPed with him, and over four years (Damn thats a long time) since I seriously RPed with him. So gimme some feed back. Love it? Hate it? Like it? Want to kill me or the character? All questions I would like answered if you feel up to it.

Don't be afraid to say whatever, I'm here for fun so any pointers or whatnot you care to give feel free.

[kelvinator]

I tried. I really, really tried.

But by the third reference to "Mexican" (insert noun), I had enough.

Pretty sure I understood you were in Mexico by the nature of being in a small, yet nameless MEXICAN village. Filled with MEXICAN grandmas who speak English with only a hint of Spanish, mind you. Breathing that sweet MEXICAN air.

Also, creep factor of flirting with a epileptic-possessed MEXICAN bag went from zero to a zillion in two seconds.


The telephone call between Eric and Ashe reads like a gossip session between two airhead teenagers. Bonus: You manage to leave out the most important part of the call - the fucking dream. Otherwise, why the hell write that this nigga called in the middle of the night? Completely unnecessary.

SMASH CUT TO STEREOTYPICAL CEMETERY SCENE WHERE OUR HERO CONTRACTS AVIAN FLU FROM MOLESTING CROWS.

I get you're rusty but I don't understand granting mercy if you're a heel. Heels are supposed to be unrelenting in anger. Not prancing through a foggy graveyard, dropping lame racist comments and reversing the trash of other people. (I.E. OH YEAH YOU SAID YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME, HAHA NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST.)

You might as well have this playing in the background.



That shit is facepalm inducing.


Bottom line: Ditch the script sequence. Concentrate on developing the story and better trash talk. You have several flaws but none of those are Benoit-ending. Give us a reason to care about Ashe Corvin, otherwise you travel the lonely road of obscurity which ends at a permanent shirt folding job at Hot Topic.