LIVE AMERICAN ELECTION COVERAGE, Yes, it sort of effects you

LIVE AMERICAN ELECTION COVERAGE

PNN election headquarters, Los Angeles: Attention world. Right now, you may be wondering if America’s downward spiral and imperialism are going to end tonight. Actually, it doesn’t matter who wins, because both candidates are douche-bags, but it sure is fun to find out which talking suit has spent the right amount of money in the right places and whose lawyers are better at interpreting election law and disenfranchising the opposition. This is the American election, a sad state of affairs where the winner is the candidate who can scare the most people with words like “terrorist, recession, social security, and baby eating.” With an estimated 70% of voter turnout (not seen since the ‘60s [Vietnam]), this is a bench mark election where the top issues are the economy, Iraq, moral values, and terrorism. I say to both candidate good luck, and I hope that they pay you well, because you’ll need the good memories to tide you over as you burn in hell.


Which bastard will take America to hell in a handbasket?

Tonight, PNN is going to bring you all of the action live. We’ll tell you what’s up as the presidential candidates race to 270, and we’ll keep you informed on the balance of power in the house and senate. Stay tuned all night long, as we give you color commentary and the facts on the election. Of course, the most important and exciting thing about the election is your participation (unless you are a minor, felon, non-American, unregistered, or lazy). Be apart of history and go out and vote for either a socialist paradise with an eight month waiting list for health care as inflation and a falling dollar push basic goods out of the reach of most Americans as they line up at the federal trough to suck at the teet of government sustenance in a Godless world, or a right-winged imperial fascist on a great crusade to put America into permanent debt and major hegemonic war via Christian fundamentalism. And remember, a vote for Bush pisses off France.

And me

The polls have closed, and we have our first call of states. Remember, the first man to win 270 electoral votes wins the white house, and a peptic ulcer.

Bush: 2,050,903 Votes, 57%, 66 electoral votes
Kerry: 1,528,169 Votes, 43%, 77 electoral votes

Kerry is doing well in the Northeastern Corridor, picking up Maine, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maryland, Delaware, and New Jersey. New Jersey was in a dead heat, but a win for Kerry in the Garden State has given him a huge advantage in the battleground states. Not even an unpopular crooked homosexual democrat governor resigning in disgrace was enough to give the state to the Bush team. It was also a state very worried about terrorism, something that Bush is usually strong in convincing people he’s strong in. Bush really must have screwed the pooch during his administration. Also, the zombie vote really came out in Chicago and secured Kerry Illinois. The Chicago machine is really working around the clock, especially to keep Carpet Bagger Allan Keys out of the senate.

Bush, on the other hand, is cleaning up the south. Oklahoma, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee, Alabama, and Georgia have all gone to the Bush camp, giving the president 66 votes. Nothing brings beer drinking NASCAR dads together like banning gay marriage, with Bush sweeping the moral value camp. Currently, Maine is in contention, with Kerry picking up three of the four electoral votes, but we are still waiting on exit polling data for the fourth seat.

In the balance of power, Barak Obama has easily won his Illinois senate seat, and Zell Millers seat has gone to some nameless Republican, so the balance of power in the Senate remains the same, with the Republicans on top.

Until we get more information, this is PNN’s American election coverage.

Actually Paully, the Dems need only two more Senate seats for a majority... only one if Kerry wins. So, not exactly on top

[Sir Paul Response] On top at the moment. We still have the South Dakota, Oklahoma, and Colorado election to go.[/Sir Paul]

The South shall be red again!

The president has picked up North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. North Carolina, home of shyster lawyer and VP candidate John Edwards, has turned its back on its native son to endorse the urban cowboy. However, with New Jersey falling, George Bush needs to get every state South of the Mason Dixon line, or have a miracle in Ohio and Pennsylvania. It will be interesting to see if the states will vote for, of all things, a pro-abortionist catholic.

The other big state in contention is Florida. She chose the winner last time, and with God punishing the state with four hurricanes for its stupidity, they are attempting to make sure that they do not screw it up again.
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Bush: 6,040,282 votes, 56%, 102 electoral votes.
Kerry: 4,723,613 votes, 44%, 77 electoral votes.

LMAO @ the Florida comment. Mr. Paul, you make me giggle.

Everything is OK in OK for the Republicans. Dr. Coburn, an obstitrition who advocates the death penalty for abortionist, defeated conservative democrat Carson, who claimed that Coburn was "too liberal" for Oklahoma. This was a tantalizing target for the Democrats to pickup a much needed senate seat, but they were unalbe to convert. Remember, people in Oklahoma are decendents of the people too stubbon to leave after the dust bowl, so they are just a bit set in their ways. The senate remains 51 to 49.

Keep in mind that only 1% of the precincts in Oklahoma have reported yet. Some polling places are still voting because of long lines.

I don't know who was the genius at the news networks (RL ones, not you SP ) who decided to call the election with people still voting, but they are idiots.

The senate race is still within a few thousand votes, even in the farthest counts. Oklahoma will have between 1.2and 1.4 million votes this year.

This race is still wide open.

15 polls are closed, and PNN can now project winners.

For the Bush camp, we have Texas, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Wyoming, and Kansas. The red belt is forming, and the farm states have fallen in line. The farm states, as you know, collect large subsidies from the federal government. In exchange for these subsidies, those states produce votes. They know who their daddy is, and agri-businessmen all agree that Bush gives up the ethanol money like nobodies business, rewarding him with a swath of red from Mexico to Canada.

Kerry continues to fill in the dots in New England, picking up the Empire State of New York and the inconsequential state of Rhode Island. It’s against historic precedent for Rhode Island to like people from Massachusetts, since Rhode Island was founded by people to uptight for the puritans and were kicked out of Plymouth. I guess the wounds have healed, and those who get to heaven by works can appreciate the works of a Catholic.

Bush: 8,569,084 Votes, 54%, 155 Electoral Votes.
Kerry: 7,051,240 Votes, 45%, 112 Electoral Votes.

Cajon Country is Bush Country. That’s right, the Big Easy, where women expose their tits for worthless glass beads has gone with the moral majority, with the perishes speaking loudly for the Republicans, the yellow dogs are dying out and may be even be sending a Republican Senator.

Its sister state Mississippi is also going to the president. Interestingly enough, every state predicted so far has not switched parties since the 2000 election. Those that went Gore went Kerry, those that went Bush stayed Bush. We might be seeing a whole lot of the same ol’ same ol’ tonight.

Bush: 13,004,679, 53%, 170 Electoral Votes
Kerry: 11,237,615, 46%, 112 Electoral Votes

Two out of three aint bad.

Tonight, the big races are Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida. If the President wins two of the three, we can all but declare him the winner. However, if Kerry wins two of the three, Bush can still win with miracles in Vermont, Hawaii, New Mexico, and Missouri.

Missouri may also be a golden opportunity lost to Kerry. His campaign pulled out three weeks ago to invest more money in larger states, but he is running surprisingly close. Thus far, many agree that the Kerry campaign has been horribly run, and had the democrats ran even a somewhat competent campaign, they should have won the election. This is more proof that Democrats are stupid.

Actually, you are half right.

This election is proof that democrats and republicans are both stupid.

The big question is which one is tweedle dee.

[Sir Paul's Responce] I personally believe both parties are stupid, and throughout the course of the evening, will prove that to most people. Anyways, I've been hard on the president, so It's time to crack down on the Kerry camp. Here at PNN, we're fair and balanced, hating both parties equally [/Sir Paul]

The Mormons have spoken! Joseph Smith would be proud that his people have decided to back a person with the foresight of conquest that he had. With Utah in the bag, we can see that Bush has the moral clarity of Brigham Young. God bless you, Mr. President.

Florida, on the other hand, is still begging for God’s wrath. Due to general stupidity, which runs rampant in the state, the absentee ballots from Broward and Miami-Dade have been screwed up, and they won’t be counted until Thursday, which is when the results are due. That’s right, Florida’s election system is more screwed up than last years system, where it was only the oversees ballots that weren’t counted. I believe I speak for all Americans when I say that Florida should be sawed off and set adrift in the ocean.

Send Florida to Canada. The natives here are a bit miffed you put a Disneyland in France and not here after they allowed you to run rampant over their resource based economy. Apparently you're supposed to leave Jeb and J Lo behind though. WAY behind.

Joseph Smith was not about conquest.

[Sir Paul Response] Really? [/Sir Paul]